To think "the kids will adapt" is a lie?

[Uncomfortabletruths]

It feels like something we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better.

Do kids really adapt easily post divorce?

It depends.

It depends very much on how the divorce is handled, surely? I coparent incredibly well with my exdh and we have the most amicable divorce I think I have ever known. It has not been without its huge emotional turmoil for everyone involved though. I think my dc will have been affected by it, but they would have been affected living with two increasingly unhappy parents. I hope we have had minimal negative impact and shown them resilience and modelled healthy relationships and friendships in the post divorce phase.

I think it’s very dependent on how amicable the separation is and how well the parents can co-parent. Any ongoing conflict will make a difficult transition/new normal much harder. (Personal experience from my childhood).

I agree with pp it does depend.
However, they don't have much choice but to adapt when their parents get divorced or break up do they? And I say this as someone who got divorced with a young child many moons ago.
Honesty, calm, discussion and just cracking on with things as normally as possible helps them to adapt. Drama, bitching, venomous comments about the other partner and arguments do not help them to adapt.
We all have a choice as adults.

I don’t think it’s a lie though. Kids do adapt, and will adapt most easily if they are secure in the knowledge they are loved and accepted by both parents.

Yes they can, generally, as long as the parents don't weaponise or project onto them (both of which happen far too often unfortunately). Also, the younger the kids are, the easier they adjust.

In my experience, not always. Though it depends on the age too, the younger the better.

But they often get really good at acting like everything's ok so paying close attention to behaviour and emotions is needed so you can address issues as they come up.

It depends on their age, and whether the children's best interests are kept at the centre of decisions. Ones I know where the children have adjusted the best are those where they have a clear main residence where they sleep most of the time, rather than shuttling between one house and another. And a clear predictable contact schedule with the other parent, where they are very sure they will show up. No arguments in front of the children, no criticism of the other parent in front of the children, respectful supportive grandparents etc.

Depends on the kids, depends on the divorce, depends what they're adapting to.

If you're considering divorce, the alternative isn't a perfect, happy family either.

Looking around my adult friends, some are fine after their parents divorced, others less so to varying degrees, some had parents who stayed together for the kids and suffered because of that.

I don’t think they are ever fine. They will tell you they are, but they aren’t really. My parents married and divorced/ remarried 3 times each throughout my lifetime (so far!) and each time it was really, really awful despite their best effort to keep things ‘normal’. Even now though I would never admit this to either of them as I don’t want to upset them.
Kids may ‘adapt’, but don’t kid yourself that it’s not hugely damaging, particularly for teens.

It’s a grey area, it’s not a yes or no answer.

it depends what the marriage and family life was like pre divorce. If the kids had a picture perfect happy home life or lived with constant arguments etc.

it depends on how both the adults handle the split. If they’re respectful to each other and keep it civil for the children or if they use the children as weapons and drag them into the drama.

The thing is, without the divorce then they would have to adapt to living in a household with parents who don't like each other. That's pretty horrible.

I think that they can. My parents were in a nonviolent marriage and I never heard them raise a voice to one another. Their split was a huge shock which took me about a month to get used to. I can now see that it was the best thing they ever did for us children, and I'm so so grateful that they taught us that it's okay to choose happiness and contentment, and not to waste lives on an unhappy match.

They don’t really have a choice, do they?

I suppose the question is whether they can adapt and flourish and be happy.

That’s the million dollar question. We’ll never know how things may have turned out had we gone back and done things differently.

Depends on the marriage beforehand and the aftermath.

If in a volatile toxic household then it’ll probably be a relief for a divorce for all involved.

If in a ok/plodding along type household followed by a divorce which results in numerous step parents/relationships/blended families stuff then the kids will probably be longing for the days of the plodding along secure unit they came from.

It’s very grey. But a secure consistent and stable primary residence is the required foundation.

No, it's not a lie, many do.
It will depend to some extent on their ages and what has led up to the divorce, but mostly it will depend on the behaviour of all the adults around them - mostly their parents, but to some extent the extended family too.

Yes they adapt, they have to, but there will always be a trauma there, just as there will be for the divorced parents themselves. For some much worse than others.

Depends on their age, the disposition of the child, how their lives will be affected afterwards, whether 'anyone else' is involved and whether the parents are handling it civilly.

I asked about this recently (considering pros and cons of separation), with little response, so thank you for this thread. I'm glad to hear honest opinions that it does affect children, but I think the state of the marriage might be key - I'm not convinced that children are as sensitive to all unhappy marriages as folk make out. I have no doubt that my children would be devastated to discover we weren't going to stay together, I genuinely don't think they know that I'm unhappy in my marriage, and that's my job as an adult to shield that from them. Different to an actively violent or toxic relationship

It's a massive adverse childhood event that will affect them long term, there's no doubt about that, and yes I do think we adults tend to tell ourselves the things that will help us deal with that.

The problem with discussions like this is that people aren't clear on what exactly is being compared with what, and that there are three scenarios to consider not two. So if you have a miserable marriage that's causing an awful environment for the kids then divorcing would likely be better than staying, and those are the only choices relevant to that decision. But it's still the case that it would have been better for them to have been raised within a happy continuing marriage. In that sense divorce is "bad" for them.

I think they adapt much better to divorced parents than to living in a house with frequent arguments, or one parent being abusive - including emotionally - to the other.

They adapt to having at least one peaceful, calm and secure home much better than to living in an atmosphere of tension.

@Seaside1234

"I'm not convinced that children are as sensitive to all unhappy marriages as folk make out"

I think that's true. But they'll certainly know it once you split!

About half of kids these days have divorced parents. Most are absolutely fine. I'm one myself.

No doubt some do suffer but I think staying together "for the kids" is a bit outdated now, it's normal for a lot of them these days.

Honestly I think kids do adapt but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t change huge things in their lives, outlooks and subsequent outcomes.
I would never say this irl to most people but the adults I know who have witnessed and grown up with parents who have separated in tough circumstances I think they do struggle as adults; I don’t think it’s the actual separation per se but the behaviour that leads to the separation that causes the damage. Just my opinion obv and based on just my own experience.

I think they can adapt well if the adults in their life behave appropriately.

Once step parents and blended families come along things change and the children probably long for their life pre divorce.