To think "the kids will adapt" is a lie?

[Uncomfortabletruths]

It feels like something we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better.

Do kids really adapt easily post divorce?

It was in the end, yes.

He wasn't happy for a couple of years. Tbh, I don't think he's cut out for marriage and the compromises it entails. I clung on, trying to make things work for the sake of dd. His resentment built up and up, until he was unbearable to live with, and then I called it quits and asked for a divorce. Don't get me wrong, I've been quite bitter about it, but life's too short, and we agree that we have to put dd first.

I grew up with a very toxic homelife due to my parents shitty marriage. Exh parents divorced when he was very young, and never had a good coparenting relationship, which affected him and his siblings. We both want better for our child.

I think all of us look back at our childhoods and think about some of the not so great aspects that we wish were better.

My parents stayed married but my father was pretty horrible and I wish he’d left and never returned. We were never close. My friend’s dad left and moved away but went to court to get access every school holidays, she feels it was to punish her mother. She resented the upheaval and would have preferred to stay 100% with her mum and SF, who she was close to. She has minimal contact with her father as an adult. Another friend’s dad left and moved away and rarely contacted her. She feels she has abandonment issues. The common denominator is shitty fathers and combative relationships rather than divorce IMO.

Personally I think it’s harmful to lie to children about the downsides of divorce. Eg to say its ok because you can still see dad at the weekend. Not living with someone is a massive change - just like if your children were removed and you only saw them once a week, you wouldn’t think that was ok. I think it’s better to acknowledge that some things will be worse and to discuss how to make those more manageable.

Yet time and time again on here a good father is one who goes to court to see his child. A shitty father would give up.

obviously I have no idea whether he was shitty or not, but clearly she feels he went to court to punish her mother. Interesting that’s her take and not “he wanted to see me so badly he had to go to court to gain access’ no thought as to why he had to go to court either- if her mum was blocking contact why is it dad that’s the shitty parent?

i am sure my sdc think their dad is a “shitty father”. What they don’t realise is he has done everything he could, while their mum slowly drip fed untruths. They couldn’t have x y and z, because dad won’t pay and I can’t afford it (truth- she took the money off dad and then stopped them from getting whatever it was). Dad is loaded (he’s not- same as he was when they were married). Dad had an affair and left us (truth- she had the affair and kicked him out, having moved all their joint money first).

sdc are obviously pretty fucked up about their “shitty father”, and have cut contact as adults.

i do think there are shitty dads. I also think there are a lot of mums who try and bring the kids to their “side”, without realising how harmful that is.

My parents divorced when I was 7 and we lived with our mum who suffered from awful depression. I then felt like I had to become the responsible adult looking after her and my younger siblings. As earlier PP said, I learnt to ignore my feelings and certainly never told anyone how I felt. This has had the most profound impact on my life both physically and mentally. I am now married with teen kids and I feel like we coparent rather than have a loving relationship. But we are able to be a team and are financially better off together. Who knows what is right, but the ability of the parents to help the kids transition to the new normal is key. My heart breaks to think of young kids in the position that I was put in.

It can be done, though it leaves a mark.

We split when DC were under 5, and a few years later they are still primary school age, and having split parents is their normal.

While they do wish their Dad and I were still together, they see a healthy co-parenting relationship, because I have put aside all the hurts and treat my relationship with EXDP almost like an arms length business one; so I'm polite but not overly friendly to maintain the boundaries. We only speak about the DC, and not on a social level. Perhaps things will change when I get a new DP!

I'm never rude to or about DC's Dad in front of them, and I always talk him up in situations where he deserves to be. I am of course sad that our relationship didn't work out, but that shouldn't impact the DC.

To answer the question in your title - Yes they adapt.
To answer the question in your post - No they don't always adapt easily.

But it's not better to grow up in a home with parents who don't want to be together and are dreadfully unhappy.

They do eventually but the long term gain of happiness is worth it.

I think they do, same as adults do, it takes time but it has to happen, in lots of different scenarios, new schools, new house, etc. nothing ever stays exactly the same, and if kids are being brought up in a household with tension, fights, and no affection, I assume that being brought up in a single parent household that's happy is a better option, and yes, they will get used to it. Same as the adults do

Yeah that’s what I meant. That’s why people should prioritise their spouse to do their best to keep their relationship happy.

I think there is an element of truth here. I have friends who struggle with depression stemming from their childhood experiences of trying to cope with divorce.

I'm fine as an adult despite a pretty terrible divorce. Things I think helped: I was young, no half siblings, nice step parents who modelled good relationships with my parents, no bitching about the other parent, and my dad kept in very good contact always. Obviously you can't control all of those things for the other parent.

Anything can cause depression. I have divorced parents and don't have depression. My mum and my uncle (her brother) both have depression and their parents were happily married.

I think the most important thing for dc's is to see an example of a loving, nurturing, equal relationship between their parents. I didn't have that and I feel sad for younger me who tolerated a lot of shit in relationships because i thought it was normal. I thought it was normal that mum did everything while dad sat on the sofa, I thought it was normal for couples to not speak to each other for what felt like weeks. I thought it was normal for dad's to be vile for no reason at all. There was always a tension in the house that I couldn't put my finger on and I was always nervous. Always.
The relationships younger me sought out were awful and it is 100% because of the example I was set at home.
So I don't think you can generalise at all, some parents may be able to hide any dysfunction well and stay together for the dc's sake, some may not but both have to be on the same page and I think that's rare.
Some of the time divorce and seperate houses is absolutely the best thing for everyone.

It very much depends. I agree if the house is a happy peaceful house, despite parents no longer wanting to be together, perhaps it is hard for children who may have been oblivious to the marriage breakdown to see their parents divorce.

However, a toxic atmosphere is not one children will escape. The tension which they may not understand, put words to, be able to explain, WILL be palpable and they absorb it by osmosis and it goes into their DNA.
They are definitely better off being the children of a respectful co parenting agreement.

My daughters very close friend has parents that are divorced and both parents are great. She HATES 50/50....the constant moving and has said that it is very stressful. She wants to stay at her mums once she hits 18 fulltime but knows it will hurt her father terribly. No new partners or siblings.

I think blended familys add a whole new level of stress and trauma to children/teens.
I have friends who suffered it and they all agree it was solely about the adults and THEIR needs being met. Lots of inheritances lost to second familys too, due to parental stupidity.

I work in children's MH and see the aftermath. For some it's about their personality, some just yearn for the before. Others, it's the animosity and they end up feeling conflicted and split.

The common denominator is shitty fathers and combative relationships rather than divorce IMO.

This. It depresses me to read all these threads in which women torture themselves about whether they are damaging their children by taking decisions to safeguard themselves and their wellbeing.

I realise it’s not helpful to whitewash divorce and pretend it has no effect on the children; clearly it can have a detrimental effect.

But in my experience women almost never leave marriages just for self fulfilment. They do so either because there’s no choice or because they recognise that a miserable marriage is not the right environment to bring healthy children up in. And in the vast majority of cases it’s intransigence, greed or immaturity on the part of a man which causes the fallout.

I left my marriage because my husband was an emotionally unstable alcoholic who didn’t contribute either financially or in terms of family life and he was becoming emotionally abusive. I don’t regret leaving him for one second, and I am sure my child has done better in every respect than she would have done if I had grimly toughed it out.

We do need to be alert to the risks to children of divorce but the narrative that it’s an essentially selfish act is unhelpful in my view.

I adapted perfectly fine when my parents split. There’s wasn’t a particularly toxic marriage but I could see it was different to some of my friend’s parents who genuinely loved each other. My parents just tolerated each other pre split, I think. Some people will convince themselves that kids don’t notice bad atmospheres at home, but I certainly did.
Their divorce wasn’t particularly amicable but I still preferred it to them being together.

I split when the kids were 12/14. I initiated it although it was along time coming and I should have left earlier.

On the day the divorce was finalised my then 16 year old said “I’m so proud of you Mummy”.
Has it been difficult? Yes
Has it impacted them negatively? Yes
Did their grades suffer? Yes, although temporary.
Was it still the best decision? Yes, it was.

I think it really depends. On the children, how the parents handle it, their age and temperament. It really is important to put the children first, which might mean saying no to things the adults really want but need to beset aside, even if temporarily.

I don't really understand couples who divorce well. If I got on well enough with him to divorce amicably - I would 100% stay.

This is a bit of a silly statement tbh. It’s far more complicated than you are making it.

My ex and I divorced reasonably cordially after an awful marriage. We both wanted to separate, there was some dispute over money but that was done through lawyers. The public relationship between us as far as our daughter was concerned was and is amicable. We do not and never have argued in front of her.

He was, however, an emotionally abusive alcoholic and when we were married he was horrible to me (in a couple of cases he physically threatened me) snd contributed nothing to the marriage financially. There is no way that would have changed if I had stayed with him.

To his credit he has been respectful and responsible since we split and pays child support and we now get on quite well. But his respect and consideration to me and our child is a direct result of the fact we are no longer together. He didn’t have the emotional machinery to be loving and respectful to a partner as part of a family, he has deep emotional problems which he’s never been prepared to address and he’s still a (high functioning) alcoholic.

There’s no way on earth that staying together would have brought out the best in either of us or supported our daughter. Divorce was 100% the best solution.

I divorced when my kids were 11/12 age. They are now late teens and openly say they can't even imagine that we were ever married as we're so different, and what on earth was a I doing!

Kids do adapt, and quite well but it all depends on how it is handled.

What do you mean, a lie we tell ourselves? Many of us were raised with divorced parents, we speak from experience. It’s not clear cut anyway, totally depends on how the couple handle it.

Personally, I think adapt is probably the best term, but that doesn’t always mean adapt for the better. Sometimes it means adapting so that they become more guarded, and less trusting, or more withdrawn. Unfortunately it is a catastrophic change for many children, and does change the rest of their life. But having two parents who no longer want / are able to be together is not sustainable either. No one really wins.

@Thepeopleversuswork

Yes, fair enough.

My H sounds v similar to your Ex.

Interesting that you divorced cordially despite him being emotionally abusive to you in the marriage (sorry you experienced that). I couldn't forsee my H ever been cordial or mature in the event of a split, because he doesn't manage to be cordial over who is going to do the washing up....so I certainly don't imagine he will be manage to be when discussing pensions/houses/kids.