To think "the kids will adapt" is a lie?

[Uncomfortabletruths]

It feels like something we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better.

Do kids really adapt easily post divorce?

I'm sorry but there are some really stupid comments on here. The studies on kids doing better in 2 parent houses are based partly on kids who have happy parents! Obviously it would be better if we met a wonderful man and if the marriage stayed amazing and loving forever, with children raised in that solid and loving union. But anyone sitting down to balance the books on whether kids are damaged by divorce already has missed that boat. All you can do is the next best (and least damaging) thing, which often will be divorce.

The problem with parenting today is that we want to shield our kids from everything and give them a perfect life. But all this "light dimming" crap brushes over a key problem: life isn't perfect. Grandparents die, parents get sick, parents change jobs and have to move, parents get divorced. Divorce might be historically new, but dickhead husbands are not. In the past an unhappy relationship would mean kids witness the dad coming home and beating the shit out of you. We should be greateful that we live in a time where we can stop that from being the bad thing children witness.

All we can do is our best. Show up for our children, show them that they are loved, encourage and support them.

I think a lot of divorced adults think that children adjust well but the number of adults who are the children of divorced parents who would say the same is much lower.

The answer isn't easy, it's often best for the split to happen but it doesn't mean that the children adjust well- just that it's the best of two bad options. In my experience it really affects the adult relationships- either likely to divorce themselves or so desperate not to that they stay in less than great relationships.

Well yes. They will adapt because there is no other option. They have no say or control.

whether they remain undamaged or have long term issues depends on many factors. Generally I think it’s unusual as the adults are incapable of keeping their issues out of it.

You save yourself. You have a right to the best life you can make. Leaving a bad marriage doesn't mean you can't do the best for your children.

During that period, when the split was first happening, I’m sure the kids did get sad and their work suffered. That’s a pretty natural and usually temporary response. I think it’s probably a bit much to say they were ‘damaged’ and ‘never the same again’ though - that’s just extrapolating past her direct experience. With a side of judgement, sounds like.

If you split from an unhappy marriage, then if you’re doing it right then at least 50% of the time the kids will have at least one happy parent in a calm home. Rather than two unhappy parents 100% of the time in an unhappy home.

Is it ideal to split up or divorce? No, it’s not. Ideally children would grow up in a happy home with both their parents in a happy relationship. But that does not mean it is s great idea to stay in an unhappy relationship - and especially not ‘for the kids’.

Kids do better in a 2 parent HAPPY family. They certainly don’t do better in an 2 parent UNHAPPY family.

My parents divorced. I can honestly say it didn't have a negative effect on me overall. I was sad at the time, I wanted to know why, and of course there are disadvantages but I don't think it caused long term trauma. It helped that my parents did the divorce "well", and that neither bad mouthed the other, both had my back as a child and an adult.

All that being said, I do think being raised by 2 parents in a stable happy marriage is the best thing for children. The second best thing is two parents who are separated but involved in the child's life and acting like adults. The third best is at least one parent who is good and acting like an adult. Unhappy, toxic marriages or parents who are constantly breaking up/getting back together with each other or other people are way down the list.

I do think uncertainty/instability is really bad for children. So constant arguing/threats to divorce is stressful because they then fear their parents separating. As is the inbetween period when maybe parents are in the process of separating/divorce. I don't think that can be completely avoided.

Depends entirely on the individual circumstances.

My mum finally getting away from my abusive dad was the best thing that happened in my early life.

It was a huge relief.

Yes! This is me and my exh. We made each other miserable on a day to day basis when we were living with each other, but we coparent very effectively because there's a degree of distance once you separate. We do still have disagreements, but it's easier to resolve these without our dd witnessing any of it, and I think we're more respectful of each other now that we're no longer romantically involved. I think an unhappy marriage can be like a pressure cooker of emotions, but for us, divorce was like taking the lid off the pot.

It depends how things were pre divorce.

This thread is interesting because it feels balanced. Yes of course leaving a terrible relationship is better for the kids than staying together, but often threads advocate ltb for relatively minor crimes or because someone has "the ick" over something like clothing or untidiness or whatever and those are the kind of cases where this question is relevant. I don't pretend to know the answer, but I do know one reason that would put me off divorce while I have dependent kids is having no.control over the other adults brought into my child's life. My DM has a new partner since my dad died. He's fucking awful and I feel like I no longer have a family home. I'm am adult so that's a relatively minor impact on my life but it made me determined my kids wouldn't experience that while they were dependent children. Obviously though that's an ideal and there are circumstances in which that too becomes the lesser of evils.

@gano that's good to hear.

Was the decision to split mutual?

The short answer to the question is yes they will adapt because they have to. The question you are really asking is whether they will adapt in a healthy way or not.

There are so many parameters here that it’s hard to give a simple answer to this question.

As @Buttercupsandpoppys says you have to take into account what the previous state of the marriage was like. In an abusive household riven by fighting the alternative will likely seem like sanctuary. If two parents in a fairly stable relationship split the children are not likely to see the alternative in such a positive light and will struggle to understand it.

I also think the age of the child is quite relevant. If parents separate when a child is a tiny infant the child is likely to have very little memory of the parents being together. Having parents separate in your teens is probably far rougher.

Above all, though, I think the biggest factor is how the parents conduct themselves during and after the divorce. Parents who remain cordial or at least respectful and put the child’s needs first are in a far better position to manage this than parents who badmouth one another, introduce new partners and step siblings rapidly and fight over money.

it’s always going to be an upheaval and an adjustment but not one that’s automatically traumatic.

I think children adapt to almost anything.

That’s almost the problem - it means you can’t see the damage.

i don’t think that splitting is the only thing that damages them though, as lots of others have said.

Sadly, 10 years on and my Dd still hasn't adapted. It impacts her daily and she's currently in counselling for anxiety (not directly related to the divorce but she struggles being away from me/our home and she'd rather not stay overnight with her dad but there is a court order in place).

She was only 1 when we split and i underestimated the impact it would have.

My kids are lucky enough to have a two parent family. It just so happens that the two parents don't live together 🙄

It doesn't mean they don't have our full attention. They also have the love and support of the wider family.

Families come in all shapes and sizes and if the children are at the centre then that's all good.

Op, it sounds like you're going over these questions in your head and I get it. But there isn't one way of separating or being divorced just as there isn't one way of being married.

My children are secure and happy and thriving. I know that because I see it with my own eyes. Of course lots of other children won't be - But they could be from any configuration of home.

For marriages that truly need to end, the kids are going to be dealing with the emotions that come from change, but they should mostly be relieved to be out of a tense household. Children pick up on more than adults give them credit for. They are going from a broken situation to hopefully one that is healthy so adapting really shouldn’t come into play, sometimes there is even celebrating.

When people say that kids will adapt, it implies to me they are talking about marriages that are ending just because people aren’t fulfilled, even though the family as a whole is working. Those children do need to adapt because they are leaving a situation that from their perspective was just fine. They probably will, but I imagine it is a harder transition.

Yes, they adapt to seeing their parents happier. However well you think you hide it the kids can always notice when things aren’t right.

I don't think they do as much as some people would like to believe.

I also think it's a lot harder than parents realize to not cause stress due to their estrangement. I know my parents tried hard not to allow us to see them disagree etc.and to put our needs first.

But I could tell there was tension, that there was extended family tension that made me uncomfortable, that things were not the same at both households and that my mum did not like what my father did in terms of child rearing, and I also found moving between households in itself very stressful. I was 6, so all of this was stuff I could not explain even to myself very well, but I sensed it.

I’m a child of divorce, I had a great childhood with both of my parents & stepparents. We were loved & happy in both houses. As a woman I appreciate how strong & awesome my mother was in leaving the marriage and I have high standards and boundaries for myself in my marriage. Parents aren’t perfect, they’re just people and sometimes relationships don’t work out, it’s not ideal but it is what it is. Staying in a terrible relationship will mess up kids lives just as much as anything else. Showing them they can have a happy and good life is what’s important not staying together for the sake of it

I got divorced a few years ago after a very happy marriage (lasted 20 years). Ex dh wanted to hang onto his affair partner and I decided to leave. Kids were in their teens and teens. They are generally happy but ex dh and I don't talk. I did try but he kept coming over pretending everything was still normal. I got upset and told him to stick to a schedule and he refused. He still sometimes pops in and I just go hide in my room which must be upsetting for the kids. I can't find a middle ground with the idiot as he still wants to work things out. I don't talk disrespectfully about him to the kids but I just don't talk to him. Our son got married and we didn't talk at all.

I think children do adapt but then that prevents people from getting them the support that they need. My parents divorced when I was young and I ‘adapted’ but I really struggled with it in secret and didn’t get any support which impacted me a lot as I grew older.

I do think a happy home is the best for children, but they come in many different forms. As long as the parents are supportive and perceptive of their child’s needs I think children are definitely able to adapt healthily.

Y3 seemed peek divorce year for DS’s class.

I think people should certainly think more about whether blended families are a good idea or adding further children into the mix post divorce. This is when most adults seem to ignore children from first relationship (after concern for them during the divorce)

My 15 yo son has adapted well to living just with me. We are very close. He's doing well at school, is happy, has good friends and lots of interests. He is mature, funny and good company.

He has not adapted to the almost complete rejection of him by his father and I will always hate my ex for that. So damaging.

Our older son (25) knew that divorce was the best option. He has his own relationship with his Dad that I am no part of.

Nah, sorry, I don’t think my DC are messed up and I don’t think they would say they are messed up, that is doing them an incredible disservice. What they do say is that they cannot imagine me and their father actually being together, it seems weird to them.
You cannot control how the other parent acts, but the thing is, children realise that themselves as they get older. They also have their own friends and social lives and their own aspirations and so on. Their lives do not revolve around me or their dad for that matter, but I am the base to which they return and which provides the stability and that is my role.
So the question for me was not really is it better for my children to have parents who are together or apart, but how can I be the best possible parent I can be? How can I best protect and nurture them and give them the best environment to grow in? I would have liked that to be with their father but that is not how it worked out for many reasons.
Divorcing well is considering all the time what is in the best interests of the children, and being prepared to go to court if necessary to argue that through (although yes, of course, it is better achieved in mediation. But as you say, if a husband was reasonable and the divorce was going to be amicable, then you would still be married).