To think "the kids will adapt" is a lie?

[Uncomfortabletruths]

It feels like something we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better.

Do kids really adapt easily post divorce?

If the adults adult then its fine

if the adult are bickering then no its not

My experience of this is that once the pressure is off, then suddenly you can cope and be amicable. When you still have the expectations that cause tension, and disappointments that come with not feeling loved etc, then things are so much worse.
Once you've redefined your relationship to be that of merely co-parents, sometimes (I'm not claiming my experience is everyone's) the awfulness stops and it's easier to be polite.

I plod along and am a plodder, i grin and bear it and in my head can't wait for the kids to be at university/adults so I can leave.

id rather plod than disrupt what we have now as I think a separation would be devastating for my youngest... just ten more years

This is so emotionally complicated. True that happy families come in all shapes and sizes including post separation. But we’re seeming to be holding on to a couple of myths here. It’s also probably better when generalising to think of ‘separation’- as huge minority of parents aren’t married, so talking about ‘divorce’ may be keeping this to a middle class lens, which may imply greater access to resources. Financial stability post split is always key to a successful outcome.

These myths are:
‘Better to split when child is young than as a teenager, it’s easier for child to adjust.’ (or: ‘ it’s much harder for teenagers to adjust’)
and
lots of posters saying life is ‘calm and happy’’ post-split (which is great for them- good news)

These are by no means the universal experience though. We don’t help kids or adults after a traumatic situation if we make assumptions. The reason for the split and the process of the split can result in incredible damage to kids and parents that doesn’t magically go away. Acrimonious parental relationships post splits are pretty common at least until several years after the dust has settled. That is very hard for kids when they most need stability.

Children in a separation will only have their parents, and primary school friends if they’re lucky, to look after them. Hopefully a kindly class teacher, but those change every year in primary school. Teens may have a bigger sense of a their future life outside of home away from parents, which can be an helpful perspective. They will also be more likely to have a support network of their peers in a similar situation, st an age when they.can benefit from talking to each other.

Oh please don’t just plod on. As an adult I can see how much happier my mum is for getting out of her first marriage. You only have one life.

Thanks. I was going to take action, but then lockdown happened and I learnt to just be... i know it will be better for the kids if I wait

What stability is in a house with parents who have loveless, unequal or volatile relationships though @LoveRosesClimbing ? Plus everything inbetween. The drip drip of emotional abuse toward one parent, a parent who won't pull their weight and display anger when asked to do the simplest of tasks?
Those children end up just as messed up. I did.

@Uncomfortabletruths

Interesting that you divorced cordially despite him being emotionally abusive to you in the marriage (sorry you experienced that).

Yes thank you and didn’t expect it. He wasn’t pleasant to me during the “acute” phase of the divorce. I think he thought I wouldn’t actually do it and when I did he was genuinely shocked. But he never took his anger at me out on our daughter.

To his credit though (and to my surprise) he has been very good at putting my daughters needs first since then.

I do firmly believe that a significant amount of marriages are not built to last and it’s better for all involved to admit this and move on as cleanly as possible.

We do have a responsibility as parents to try to minimise the impact on our children. But grimly clinging to the wreckage of a long dead marriage rarely serves anyone well, least of all the children because it models the idea that a marriage is a miserable thing to experience. I passionately believe that people should be guided and supported in separating thoughtfully and respectfully as opposed to being made to feel they have to “tough it out for the children”.

Separation in itself isn’t the most damaging thing. A major part of the problem in my view is that marriage is a very blunt instrument to facilitate the sharing of life and coparenting but that’s a whole other thread.

In my experience divorces can be handled amicably, and even well. Especially if there has been a lot of tension and arguments for a while - it can feel like a relief.

I see shit really hitting the fan when people make piss poor partner choices post-divorce.

LowFlyingTitties I’m confused what you’re seeing in my post to pick up on. I said at the top of my post happy families come in all shapes and sizes including post separation.

Trust me, I am the last person advocating for any one size fits all approach when it comes to separation. I was posting just to say that things can be more complicated than a couple of truisms I’d seen posted on here a few times, would have it.

I think kids can adapt if it's handled maturely and kindly.

@Seaside1234 I have a good friend whose mum stayed with her dad "for the kids". All seemed fine throughout childhood. The mum left 3 months after my friend (the youngest) left home for uni.

To say my friend was devastated is an understatement. It came as a total shock and she felt her whole childhood had been a lie. Took her about a decade to recover (didn't help that the split turned nasty, although thankfully they are now amicable again, 20 years on). So don't kid yourself that staying for them will make them any happier.

The way I see it - the best outcome for kids is a stable home with happily married parents. This simply isn't possible for your kids as you are not happily married (not your fault at all, just one of those things). So, what's the next best thing? I think if you can manage an amicable divorce, that will be much more beneficial for your children, as it will show them how healthy relationships work, how to resolve conflict amicably and allow them to retain a happy, stable home.

Best of luck, OP.

Yes, absolutely. I fucking HATED having to live with my dad when they were married. I was forced to visit him post divorce because "dad's have rights", but the being forced to stand there for hours until gone midnight at 7 years old whilst he proceeded to tell me everything that was shit about me meant I would never, ever force my children to ever spend time with their dad if they begged me not to. I adapted well. I just hated being forced to spend time with him, but it was infitely better than having to live with them married and him being an abusive man.

Thank you for all your contributions. I wrote the original post in a terrible mood - totally distraught that I feel I must 'stick' with my H due to hurt caused to my kids.And i guess on balance is - that it is challenging for kids, very challenging for some, but sometimes it's the only thing you can do - and that hanging on for their sake never ends well.

i'll never forgive myself for giving my kids their father. i will never understand how low my self-esteem must have been to think he was the man for me.

but i guess the only thing worse than that - is sticking with it for the rest of my life.

Not always easily, but kids do adapt, as do adults. It's far better than having two parents who can't stand each other staying toghter for the children.

My parents did, it was horrible.

i'll never forgive myself for giving my kids their father. i will never understand how low my self-esteem must have been to think he was the man for me.

The fact you have acknowledged and considered the lifelong impact on your children of both remaining with and leaving their father, speaks volumes for you for as a parent.

You have obviously grown and I’m sure won’t make choose a man like that again.

Speaking as a child of divorced parents you appear to be a very caring mother. I’m sure your kids will want you to forgive yourself.

Oh dear goodness, please don’t blame yourself for your children’s father not being the man you hoped he would be. Just be glad we live in a time and place where separation is possible.
Never forgiving yourself is quite the burden to carry around when your energy could be better spent moving forward. Be kind to yourself, as you would be kind to anyone else who is having to make the decisions you now have to.
It is okay for things not to have worked out. It is okay to call it a day. It would be nice if your marriage had worked and your husband was the person you wanted for yourself and your DC, but he is still their father and you did marry him, and the focus now is making sure that you can all navigate the next stages of separating, not blaming yourself.

It depends on the circumstances and also the child in question. And it takes time. Sometimes quite a bit.

I moved into a women’s refuge with my children. Needless to say, the break up with my ex was not amicable and it was hard for them at times. I know I did my absolute best to make it as unshitty as possible for them but that’s not always enough. Especially at the time. But long term they’ve both come through it all and are happy and settled teenagers now. It’s taken time. And therapy, and patience from everyone. But they’ve got there and I definitely made the correct and safest decision for them.