I don’t understand why he wants me to stay

[Diabla]

I’m in a tough spot and need some advice. Yesterday, I told my husband that I want to separate because he hasn’t been contributing at home. We have a 6-year-old child. His response was to tell me that I need to explain to our son that I’m the one breaking up the family. He also said he would stop picking our son up from school and taking him to football practice, leaving it all to me.

I don’t have feelings for my husband anymore. He doesn’t help around the house, doesn’t contribute financially, and neglects his own well-being. We haven’t been getting along, and it’s affecting our son’s behavior. I feel stuck in a vicious cycle. My husband insists on keeping the family together because he grew up with a single parent.

I can’t continue living like this—I resent him every day. He watches me through cameras at home, leaving me no privacy.

Why does he want me to stay, and what should I do? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

He wants you to stay precisely because he’s not financially contributing or doing anything around the house. You are what makes his life easier, if you go he has to do more himself. It’s got nothing to do with growing up with a single parent and everything to do with him losing his life crutch.

First PP nails it.

Well I think you should carry on as intended. It sounds like he only wants you to stay to make his life easier.

You don’t need permission to leave, just do it and enjoy your new life!

You're already a single parent, just one who happens to be married.

This is in no way a partnership. And isn't it interesting to hear that your husband plans on doing even less with his child than he already does if you separate? Tells you just how much of a priority you both are to him. What possible incentive can you have to stay married?

Well he's shown you clearly how little you matter too him, that his first instinct is to try and punish you and also your child.

He doesn't have a choice here. If one person wants to split, you split

Also, unplug the bloody cameras when you're home alone.

He's going to lose his housekeeper, childcare and meal ticket. Of course he doesn't want you to leave.

Telling that his response to you leaving is to make his child suffer.

He doesn’t want you to stay. He wants an easy life. You need to do what’s best for you and your son and not feel any guilt about it. If your husband didn’t want his son to grow up in a single parent family, he should have treated you better and pulled his weight.

I wouldn't want to stay in that house with cameras and it doesn't sound like he would respect you or move out so I would take the day off work, ring my parents and ask them to come over and help and pack DS and my bags and move in with family before renting my own place and then get the divorce rolling.

I can’t continue living like this—I resent him every day. He watches me through cameras at home, leaving me no privacy.

You do know that's not normal right?

Who knows why he doesnt want you to leave, I'd guess because he would have to live in a hovel or clean up himself, why isnt important. You do need to leave.

Yes, first response!

continue with your plans to separate and divorce. Explain to DS in a truthful, age appropriate way. Your ex can then decide whether to become a better father, or not.

It’s not about you, he doesn’t want his cocklodging freeloading easy life interrupted.

Dont let this useless lump reek you back in. Your life will be a million % better without him

Also the camera stuff. WTF? Unplug them now. And let him know that sort of shit is a crime.

Why on earth don't you turn the cameras off or cover them over when you are home alone??

His response was to tell me that I need to explain to our son that I’m the one breaking up the family.

This is incredibly emotionally manipulative. Don't let him manipulate you like this. It's much better for a child to grow up in a happy single parent household than an unhappy two parent household.

It sounds like you've made the right decision to separate. As others have already pointed out, it's not that he doesn't want to lose you, he doesn't want to lose his comfortable setup wherein he doesn't have to pull his weight.

Also unless he is planning on walking away, your son will have two parents just ones that do not live together.

It is perfectly possible for separated parents to both be dedicated and involved parents for their children. If that does not happen, it is on him and his lazyness.

He wants a skivvy who can bankroll him. He sounds like an absolute twat and a shit father. Leave him to be miserable, poor and alone. Your son will have a better life with you.

He wants a skivvy who can bankroll him.

Funny how his reaction to you wanting him to pull his weight, is to threaten to do even less.

Plough ahead with your plans to rid yourself of this deadweight.

I would make sure I got my child into afterschool clubs, wrap around care and try to work compressed hours to ensure he got to his football practice, or even try and ask another parent to help out from the same football hobby if you can.
He’s trying to ring fence you into staying and control you through your child, carry on with your plan to leave. You can’t stay your very unhappy and it is affecting your little one’s behaviour. Hope everything gets sorted for you op all the best.

He wants you to stay and is tempting you by threatening to do less than the absolute zero he does already... What a catch. Well done to you for getting shot!

Be very careful op. The camera thing sounds very controlling and he sounds manipulative too.

Have a look at this:

www.gov.uk/government/publications/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-statutory-guidance-framework

Don't try and reason with him or expect him to be reasonable. You don’t need his permission to leave.

Also you don’t need to understand why he wants you to stay or why behaves in the way he does. But it is probably because he sees you as a possession, and only is interested in what you are in relation to him, not as an individual in your own right.

When you do leave, this can be a trigger point for some men to become more obstructive and aggressive. He sounds like he might be this type of man. So get good rl support around you. Tell your family and friends what is happening. And rally as many helpers as possible.

Stay strong op. Good luck.

You are posting here, trying to understand his feelings because you are a decent person. And yet it sounds like he hasn’t considered your feelings in a long while, and when you have made them clear, he doubles down.

Tell us about the financial lack of pulling weight though - if you are working and he's at home, even if he does bugger all with the child, he could argue he's a stay at home parent and ask for more money from you - lots of women on here can be helpful if you tell us about the financial situation.

To offer a word of caution, he seems the type to threaten suicide to get you to stay. Do NOT fall for it. If he does this call the police and get out of the house to a place or safety and stay out.

Does he actually work, or does he just loaf around? At least throw his stupid bloody cameras out of the window.

If you separate from your husband, your son has the chance to grow into a better man if he doesn't see this sad excuse of one all the time.

So the little things he does like pick up and football training he is using as a threat to stop? He isn't able to put his son and his relationship with his son above his anger for you! I think that says everything.

Carry on with your plan and get out. He has an easy life right now with you sorting everything for him, especially financially.

You deserve a partner. Not someone who uses your son as threat to make you stay.

Why does he want me to stay, and what should I do?

You are his housekeeper, cleaner, nanny and financial provider, of course he wants you to stay.

He doesn’t love you, he’s a controlling, lazy twat. Divorce him.