I don’t understand why he wants me to stay

[Diabla]

I’m in a tough spot and need some advice. Yesterday, I told my husband that I want to separate because he hasn’t been contributing at home. We have a 6-year-old child. His response was to tell me that I need to explain to our son that I’m the one breaking up the family. He also said he would stop picking our son up from school and taking him to football practice, leaving it all to me.

I don’t have feelings for my husband anymore. He doesn’t help around the house, doesn’t contribute financially, and neglects his own well-being. We haven’t been getting along, and it’s affecting our son’s behavior. I feel stuck in a vicious cycle. My husband insists on keeping the family together because he grew up with a single parent.

I can’t continue living like this—I resent him every day. He watches me through cameras at home, leaving me no privacy.

Why does he want me to stay, and what should I do? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

He doesn’t want you to stay.

He doesn’t want to loose his housekeeper, childcare, cook and bottle washer. Big difference.

Get moving. Have the life you want.

What a horrible cunt he is. Turn the cameras off and get rid of this dead weight.

He wants you to stay because he’s got complete control over you. He makes you do all the housework and all the parenting, and he spies on you with cameras (do you seriously not realise how insane that is?) so he knows what you’re doing every minute of the day. If you leave him, he won’t be able to control you any more.

This is an abusive relationship, OP. His response to you saying you want to separate was a classic abuser’s response - emotional blackmail, using your son as a pawn in his game.

You need to get away from this man.

Because you are his live in servant.

Why else ?

Get yourself some legal advice, find somewhere to stay (family?) and leave. You can't control what he says to your son but you can tell your little one that mummy and daddy are not getting along and have decided to live separately and that you both love him very much. That's all he needs to know at 6. The camera thing is really disturbing, why don't you just turn them off? Are you wary/afraid of his anger? Please keep yourself safe and get help from friends/family if you are worried about how to actually leave. You can ring Women's Aid for advice and support too.

Thank you all for your messages!

That's easy to answer - because his life is about to get a whole lot harder without you there doing everything for him. His reaction to you telling him you want to seperate should cement this for you, he went straight to threatening to make your life harder.

Problem (for him) is you've already been living like a single parent but to two children instead of one so your life is only going to get easier and better despite his threats.

Carry on OP, get him or yourself out of there.

It's hard to make the jump, but when you do and you finally have that moment where you are so much more relaxed, feel safe and happy... You will be so glad you did it.
I didn't take in the camera part, but all of his actions sound controlling. Please get legal advice, then smuggle important things (documents, memories, etc) out of the house to a safe place. When you leave just get out and don't go back. When they lose control their actions can intensify. Wishing you all the luck in the world for you and your child.

You answered your own question in your second line. He has it made - he's like an over grown child who won't leave home because mummy makes his life so easy.

It's actually hilarious that one the thing he thinks he can tempt you with is him doing the football pick ups - what a berk.

I'm not surprised you want to leave - how unattractive!

My husband insists on keeping the family together because he grew up with a single parent.

This is just the pretext. If he cared about his son and family, he wouldn't be threatening to stop the only thing he does for his son (taking him to football).

Don't fall for it.

Go.
Have a life for yourself and your kid.
You really, really don't need this massive lump of 💩 of a "husband".
Sorry.

Does he work? If yes, why no financial contribution? If no, why not? And where does he go that he needs to spy on you?

All irrelevant, really, as you sound so unhappy and rightly so. Can you get him to leave? If not make plans to move yourself. You and your child will feel so free and happy once you do! Good luck 💐

Clearly state to him "This needs doing, this needs doing and this needs doing. Every day for the next 18 years. Why aren't you doing these things and/or your fair share of them and what do you intend to do about it?"

Listen to his answer if he has one and then proceed accordingly.

PP have nailed it, he wants you to stay because it’s convenient for him, he doesn’t have to do anything for himself. As for making you explain to DS what’s happening the guy is an absolute idiot! A 6yo has no understanding of how adult relationships work and doesn’t need to.

Turn of the cameras, relegate this prince to the Ex’s yard and enjoy your newfound freedom

@Diabla please get rid. If not for you, for your child, who will copy the adults in his life. That needs to be you he copies not his Dad. It is not normal to have someone control and monitor you in this way!

Nah bollocks he doesn’t want to keep the family together as he was raised by a single parent - he’s using that as a stick to beat you with and add to his control.

If he was so concerned about parenting and raising his child in a great environment he wouldnt be watching you via cameras, threatening you and ditching out on any actual parenting!

Cheeseandpickleroll, let him get on with it. His life is his responsibility .
.

You don't have to convince him. This is a decision you get to make as a complete standalone. He does not contribute and he is invading your privacy. The trck is figuring out how you get rid of him - experience tells me that with men like this you can't get rid of him unless YOU leave. Do you have the finances to find somewhere else to rent?

YOu will also have to accept that he will most likely stop seeing your DS as a way to punish you. That's really awful but there is an argument that a man who can and would do this is not someone who would have been a good and reliable father long term so it's not like you're losing out there.

As for your son - he will tell him stuff. You will have to manage that. That will be difficult. But please, do NOT lie to him. Obviously, don't rant and rave about your ex but that doesn't mean you should take responsibility either.

Please contact Women's Aid. They can give you advice about leaving an abusive relationship. And get rid of his cameras. That is full-on controlling behaviour and is against the law.

He doesn't own you.
You have full autonomy over your life.

An adult reaction to you announcing you want to separate would be (after maybe an initial shocked period):

"I didn't realise things were this bad. Can we sit down and discuss this and see if we can find a way forward? I love you, I don't want to break up and I want to be a good father and I want us to be a team"

Or words to that effect.

You got:
"Waaaah! I'm not doing anything at all then. My revenge is to be shit dad. You're MEAN!"

Personally, I would feel secure and reassured that leaving was the right thing to do. And while it will be painful now, in the long run you will be happier and healthier.

Oh and fuck that shit with the cameras.

Turn the fuckers off.

Pretty much. You haven't even said anything about him trying to make changes.

You carry on with your plans and leave him to figure himself out.

You've already noticed it's affecting your son's behaviour, so please give him the gift of a healthy atmosphere.

First response is spot on.

Why has he put cameras around the house?

he’s been keeping an eye on our dog who has separation anxiety, but it turns out he’s also keeping an eye on me. The other day, he called to ask if I had come home after dropping the LO off at school because he didn’t see me on the camera.

Then this morning, while I was getting the bikes ready for another school drop-off, he saw me on the camera again and reminded me to lock them up …

To me, these are clear indications he’s keeping an eye on me too