I don’t understand why he wants me to stay

[Diabla]

I’m in a tough spot and need some advice. Yesterday, I told my husband that I want to separate because he hasn’t been contributing at home. We have a 6-year-old child. His response was to tell me that I need to explain to our son that I’m the one breaking up the family. He also said he would stop picking our son up from school and taking him to football practice, leaving it all to me.

I don’t have feelings for my husband anymore. He doesn’t help around the house, doesn’t contribute financially, and neglects his own well-being. We haven’t been getting along, and it’s affecting our son’s behavior. I feel stuck in a vicious cycle. My husband insists on keeping the family together because he grew up with a single parent.

I can’t continue living like this—I resent him every day. He watches me through cameras at home, leaving me no privacy.

Why does he want me to stay, and what should I do? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

He doesn't get to decide whether you divorce him or not. And you should divorce him because he's an abusive cocklodger who doesn't love you and refuses to provide for your child.

Break the cameras.

So turn the cameras off when you're there and leave them on when you're not.

But really, you just need to get away from him as quickly as possible.

Leave. Now, today if you can. He's dangerous and I'm not saying that to be hysterical. His behaviour is escalating already and he's conditioning you to accept it.

This exactly - why would he want to separate when effectively he has domestic staff and a magic money tree ( i.e. you) at his beck and call

Absolutely this

Get him out of the house. If it's his house then get yourself and kid to your family's, or a mates.
You can tell your son the truth, that his dad does nothing and makes you really sad so we're not going to live together anymore.
He's an arsehole.

You committed to marrying him through sickness and health. He is mentally unwell, from what you describe possibly depressed. You should talk to him about that possibility, and ask him to make small changes until he becomes well again

He's filming her without her consent because he's depressed, is he?

Jesus wept.

Unwell? No he sounds like an abusive controlling manipulative cocklodging wanker. Not sure that’s a recognised mental illness tbh

Or he could take responsibility for his own actions and let the OP leave without continuing to display what a dangerous arsehole he is

I literally have no words. What planet are you on?

For a start, any health issue does NOT justify abuse.

Second, even if he IS unwell, if he's not doing anything about it, then she does not have to put up with it. I'm there supporting DH in any illness, including mental health, he might suffer. I'm gone the day he expects his illness to be something he doesn't have to acknowledge or deal with while expecting me to completely change my life to accomodate it.

OP, you haven’t told us enough about your circumstances. Where does he go when he’s watching you on the cameras? Does he work?

Who’s house it it? Rented? Social? Owned with a mortgage?

He’s abusive, without doubt. The answers to the above impact what you can do about it.

Yes.....so unplug them.

Unplug or throw a towel on the cameras when you are there

but run he wants you to stay as life is easier and cheaper

you will have financial freedom even if your son has to go to wrap around care you want have a man child to feed etc and put a cms claim in asap

Run now see a lawyer go go go

I had depression for about a year and I didn’t even know what it was. It just hadn’t occurred to me because depression presents differently and I had different ideas about what it was the original posters. Husbands might be very paranoid about a break in, Hence, the cameras. There could be all kinds of reasons linked to his mental health as to why he behaves the way that he does. I know you’re right about mental health is not being an excuse for abuse and he should definitely be doing something about it, but it is a reason and not an excuse. And unless I have missed anything from what’s the original poster has described, it really doesn’t sound like abuse to me

I appreciate that your own experience is driving your view on this, but the only comment OP made that might be considered a sign of him having a problem is tha the doesn't care for himself. Everythign else is abusive. And whether or not that is due to mental health, if he's not willing to even consider that he's the problem, then no, she doesn't have to stick with him.

Let's list:
He doesn't contribute at home - lazy or abusive
If they break up, she must tell her son that SHE is breaking up the family - abusive and controlling
Threatens to withdraw care for child if they separate - abusive and controlling
Doesn't contribute financially (while also not contributing practically) - financially abusive. Also lazy.
Watches her through cameras - abusive and massive invasion of privacy. Also, controlling

What do you suppose (realistically) he would do if you smashed the cameras?

Cocklodger so made me laugh!! Haha x

Just file for divorce. You don't want to be with him anymore. He doesn't get a choice in the matter.

If he wants you to tell the child that's fine. You'll have to tell them eventually. Mummy and daddy aren't going to live together anymore but we both still love you.

If he wants you to take responsibility when the child is older that's fine as well. Untimely, adult conversation are for adults. Your child is a child and needs age appropriate explanations.

If he doesn't want to see his kid or take them to activities that's fine as well. He's choosing to reduce his contact with his child to spite you. That just makes him a shit dad.

As for the cameras, do you have the ability to disarm them?

Right, action time! He is horrible and YOU deserve better.

1. See a solicitor, preferably today/tomorrow.
2. Locate all important documents and online log ins, including bank statements.
3. Does he have access to all your money? Take money out to an account only you can access.
4. Disable or cover all the bloody cameras.

He wants you stay as his life is easier.

You can explain to DS in a child appropriate manner, that's not the biggest challenge.

And remember, DS is being exposed to all this horrible stuff. You don't want him growing up around it.

When you say he doesn't contribute financially do you mean he doesn't work at all or he does work and doesn't pay for anything. Do you rent or own. It's clear why he doesn't want you to leave, he'd have to pay his share of the bills if he's alone.

OP. The best way to deal with threats like that is to steal their thunder by doing the thing they threatened.
So he says you'll have to tell your son. So tell your son. Sit him down and tell him that mummy and daddy are having a hard time being friendly with each other and so mummy and daddy are going to split up. That both mummy and daddy love you very much and we will do our best to make this all work out OK.
If you know someone who's got divorced parents you can reference them ... it'll be a bit like Jack who has a mummy house and a daddy house.

Tell your friends and your family. Don't let him own the narrative!

He doesn’t contribute financially, meaning I am responsible for all our expenses, including rent, bills and after-school activities. Although he is self-employed, his earnings are minimal, barely covering his business expenses. We haven’t got any saving due to his attitude towards money, but I am asking my parents for help.

Despite numerous discussions over the years about the need for change, he has always insisted that the problem lies with my perception of the world, not with him.

If he truly wanted to talk and make a change, it should have happened a long time ago. I am no longer in a position to try to make him understand or to ask him to change. The time for that has passed.

Leave. He is just saying what he can so that he tries to get you to stay and he keeps an easy life doing sweet nothing. Get rid and he will have to fend for himself like the grown adult he is 🙄