I don’t understand why he wants me to stay

[Diabla]

I’m in a tough spot and need some advice. Yesterday, I told my husband that I want to separate because he hasn’t been contributing at home. We have a 6-year-old child. His response was to tell me that I need to explain to our son that I’m the one breaking up the family. He also said he would stop picking our son up from school and taking him to football practice, leaving it all to me.

I don’t have feelings for my husband anymore. He doesn’t help around the house, doesn’t contribute financially, and neglects his own well-being. We haven’t been getting along, and it’s affecting our son’s behavior. I feel stuck in a vicious cycle. My husband insists on keeping the family together because he grew up with a single parent.

I can’t continue living like this—I resent him every day. He watches me through cameras at home, leaving me no privacy.

Why does he want me to stay, and what should I do? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Unfortunately, having watched SIl be in a very similar relationship, I think that if you're paying all the bills, there's a pretty good chance that you will have to move to get him out. Depending on whether you rent/own, you might also need to get a solicitor involved (if renting - if he's not on the tenancy you might have room to kick him out but more likely, you'll have to break the tenancy, then you move out and find somewhere else in your own name).

I know accusations of narcissism are thrown around a lot on here but it is worth noting this is quite classic covert narcissistic behaviour - he is the victim. you are the abuser/person at fault. He is not responsible for any of his actions, even if they hurt you/your child. The reason it's worth keeping this in mind is because this type of personality is likely to experience a complete collapse at the point at which you cease to take responsibility for him. You need to be prepared for that. Threats of suicide. Disappearing. Random vague messages that threaten you or suggest he is going to hurt himself (or both). Possible targeting of your friends of family to smear you.

It's all normal but you need to be prepared.

This. Plus he knows very well that you will pick yourself up and make fabulous life for you and your son.He will end up bitter and resentful ( and obese and grubby). You cannot be allowed to do that so he must convince you to stay in the hell that is your relationship.

OP, it has nothing to do with him growing up with a single mum.

At the moment your dh has a free cleaner, cook, general dogs body who provides him with nice food, clean clothes, clean bathroom, personal shopper and a free house. You are his golden goose!

If you leave he would have to do all of that himself.

For goodness sake divorce him. Then you can raise your ds with decent values, setting him a decent example.

@Diabla

It's pretty evident why he doesn't want you to leave, and it has nothing to do with wanting a 'two parent home' for his DC. It's because you are totally facilitating him being able to live 'the bachelor life'. I don't mean dating/cheating. I mean he can come and go as he pleases, his meals are ready, his house is clean, his clothes are neatly folded. He probably expects and gets sex from you. And he can 'play' with his DC when he feels like it and when he doesn't he hands them off to the 'nanny' (that's you, too). And on top of it, you are paying for the privilege of facilitating his lifestyle because YOU pay all the bills! Heck, I'd want you to stay too, if you were doing all this for me!

Obvs you can support yourself and your child. You need to figure out when the lease is up on your rental, assuming the lease is in both names, or when and how you can break the lease/get your name off and leave. And you need to see a solicitor about division of assets. Find out what divorce will mean to you financially.

Your only other alternative is to stop providing 'services' and hope he wants to split up when he realizes his cushy life isn't so cushy. That means no cooking for him, buying your own food, no laundry, no cleaning after him, no giving him cash, and cancelling any subscriptions you pay for that you don't actively use (sports TV, etc), And certainly no sex. Move into a spare room, sleep on the sofa, or in with the DC. Sometimes this works, sometimes it makes them angry, sometimes dangerously so. You know him, you can decide if this would work or be more hassle/danger than it's worth.

But my advice is keep schtum for now. Say no more, carry on as 'usual' no matter how hard it is. Get legal advice, get your ducks in a row, find your new place to live or arrange to move back home or with a friend/relative until you sort the new place, then announce your departure and leave as you hand him the divorce papers. You don't need to warn him in advance as that just gives him time to be an arsehole.

He wants you to stay because not only are you his nanny and housekeeper, you are effectively paying for the privilege. Get rid of this absolute waste of skin. You're more or less a single parent anyway by the sounds of it, might as well make it official.

Iis he on the tenancy? When does your tenancy end?

thinking about this more, something also to bear in mind with covert narcissistic behaviours is that part of the mentality of being the victim comes from what is often a genuinely difficult upbringing. this is complicated for you becuase you probably feel genuine sympathy. SIL, for example, spends a lot of time talking about how exBIL was abandoned by his parents and she doesn't want him to feel abandoned now AND she doesn't want that for their DC (so she kills herself to try and maintain the relationship with her ex). Unfortunately, that's not actually helpful. But it makes it harder for you, as the victim, to properly walk away.

Absolutely this.

and it was the same when I decided to end my long term relationship.

He made it all my fault and made himself the victim, and me the selfish bitch who broke up the family.

He didn’t love me any more. But he didn’t want to lose all his comfort and have to start fending for himself. It made him furious.

I'd love to hear, for sheer entertainment value, how you are perceiving the world wrong.

I bet he thinks he does loads because he takes your DC to football once a week and does the school run on a friday?! hahaha.

You sound like you're at the end of your tether. good for you. I suspect there are a bunch of other manipulative and controlling tactics he uses on you to keep you in line and "perceiving" the world correctly.

This. Sorry.

He wants you to stay so he can keep living on your money. He sounds absolutely awful. He clearly doesn't respect you or love you.

1. Control. They don't like losing their control over a person.
2. You make his life substantially easier.

Watching you on cameras is very controlling behaviour, he is emotionally blackmailing you regarding your son. He is abusive. He wants you to stay so he continues to have control of you. You are right to want to leave. If I was you I would be letting all my friends and family know what is going on and making sure I had as much support as possible. When you leave have someone with you to collect the stuff and don't have your son there, it's likely he will escalate when he knows you are actually leaving the home. If you want to stay in the home and for him to leave that will likely be very difficult, you will be best going to womens aid for support and applying to court for residency.

He can’t make you stay.

since he is showing signs of control and retribution, please be careful about how you handle next steps.

if you separate, can you be the one to move out, or do you need to get him to leave?

remember a house is just a building. You can make a home with your son anywhere. This is a question of practicality not sentimentality and only to a certain extent fairness.

I think the cameras are the real give away Op, he wants to know you're always where he thinks you should be, mainly because some part of him knows that no woman in her right mind would put up with this forever and one day you'll wake up and leave. Take all the emotion out of this and look at it logically - he does the absolute minimum with your DC, he's self employed so he can work as little as he likes whilst still saying he does work, he happily lets you pay for everything and he has no respect for you, not for your privacy, not for how much you contribute.
Men like him will always be happy to use their DC as a weapon because they know it's the one sure way to get to you, if they can get that Mum guilt going they're quids in. Please don't let him, you and your DC will be so much better off away from this man

Kick him out. He contributes nothing and is just taking, taking, taking from you and your child.

Why would he NOT want you to stay? You do everything and pay for everything. Pretty good deal he's got there.

Do stay, though. If someone's leaving it needs to be him.

I've got a lovely mental image of all his stuff in boxes on the front lawn. . . including the cameras, after you've smashed them to bits with a hammer.