Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Expensive overseas wedding with a toddler

90 replies

lilialy · 16/07/2024 00:19

AIBU to feel unenthused?

DBIL has invited DH, DS and me to his overseas wedding. It's near where his fiancée grew up, which is a pleasant place but in the middle of bloody nowhere. There's only one airline/UK airport you can use to get out there, and even once you arrive it's several hours' drive to get to the venue. The celebrations then last a few days. Most of the guests are from that country, many don't speak English, and we unfortunately don't speak the local language.

Flights alone are coming in at just over a grand for the three of us. We're then looking at an airport hotel and parking in the UK as the flight out leaves in the early hours of the morning and we don't live anywhere near, plus car hire out there, and expenses for a few days. We've also been told it's customary to give a monetary gift of several hundred pounds each. So this will easily be several grand for just a few days.

When DBIL first mentioned that this was the plan, DH said it might be a bit much with DS but we'd gladly join them for any UK celebrations. This went down terribly with DPIL who said as immediate family we have to go.

Do we just suck it up? I'm sure we would have done back in our 20s, but even the couple of overseas weddings we went to back then turned into a bit of a logistical headache, with lots of hidden costs. Throw in a 2 year old who will likely be tired/bored by most of it, and need to be in bed as the party's getting underway, and it just feels so difficult to justify the cost/hassle. What would you do?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 16/07/2024 00:21

First of all, no one can force you to go to a wedding. If you don't want to go, or can't afford to, you say no and stick by it.

Going to this wedding sounds like an absolute ball ache, but if your husband really wants to go I would have him go alone.

Giannetta · 16/07/2024 00:25

The obvious compromise is just DH goes.

My view is anyone who has a destination wedding needs to not take offence if people won't or can't spend thousands travelling for it. But that's no use to you - I"m not your extended family.

BeardieWeirdie · 16/07/2024 00:25

Your husband should go if possible - can he lift-share with parents to save costs?

novocaine4thesoul · 16/07/2024 00:29

@Aquamarine1029 is spot on. Husband can still go, and would probably like to and will get to enjoy it all unhindered (in the nicest way) You and the toddler, not so much, so don't do it, people will (or should) understand. Later in life you will all be able to enjoy things together at these sort of events. HTH x

Saintmariesleuth · 16/07/2024 00:30

I think the first question is whether you can actually afford it. If so, then I agree with @Aquamarine1029 that your husband should go to his brother's wedding if at all possible.

The rest comes down to family dynamics really- you'll know better than us how funny/stressful/lovely your in laws are. If costs really aren't a problem, then I would personally suck it up and all go.

allfurcoatnoknickers · 16/07/2024 00:37

Ignore PIL, DH should go without you.

We got married in DH's home country (where we live) and I would not have expected anyone to drag their child half way around the world to attend.

pizzaHeart · 16/07/2024 00:41

I agree with @Saintmariesleuth
it’s a question what you can afford.
If you wouldn’t go hungry afterwards but your annual holiday would be affected I would suck it up and go.
I think your DH should be really careful with mentioning costs, travel with a small child is another matter.

Badgerstmary · 16/07/2024 00:42

Either none of you go or just dh.
I didn’t go to my db’s 2nd wedding in his wife’s country as with 3 young dc it was going to be too expensive.

Original poster
lilialy · 16/07/2024 00:51

Thanks all. The money aspect is difficult as we could set it aside without having to go hungry, as as @pizzaHeart says, but we are quite careful with money generally so it will impact our spending elsewhere.

DH asked about going on his own but his family were upset at the idea that DS wouldn't be there. (I think he's the one they're most bothered about tbh 😂). It's helpful to know that so many of you see this to be a reasonable option, though - we might have to think on that a bit more.

OP posts:
telestrations · 16/07/2024 00:53

The brides home country is a bit different to a destination wedding where they have chosen some random country often to offset the cost of their honeymoon

I would personally go if you can afford but would expect the B&G and PILs to ensure it is both as affordable and as toddler friendly as possible if they want you to be there

Overtired345 · 16/07/2024 00:54

I don't think your DH should disappoint his brother and really it's a shame you are so negative about it from the start. It sounds like a couple hours flight plus drive. It would look very poor of you not to go.

Personally I'm flying 12 hours plus another 3 hours in September with an 18 month old for a family wedding. Again, it's where the bride is from. It will be a pain in the arse but I think it's a lovely opportunity to get to know her family, her country etc. I never considered not going.

Ozanj · 16/07/2024 01:00

It’s your bil’s wedding of course you should all make the effort to go.

Ponderingwindow · 16/07/2024 01:20

If this is the bride’s home, then it doesn’t count as a destination wedding. Some of the family is going to have to travel from one side or another and in this case it is going to be your side. It happens.

If you can’t afford for your entire family to go or the logistics are just too complicated with a small child, then your husband should travel to his brother’s wedding solo.

if you can’t afford for even your husband to make the trip, then it is time to ask for help from family. Don’t ask for a loan. You can either afford it or you can’t. If you can’t, then ask for them to give you the amount that you need.

Babyandmexox · 16/07/2024 01:26

I have an almost 2 year old and I honestly wouldn't be attending an overseas wedding. To me it would be a massive upset in her routine, and you won't enjoy yourself. I don't think you are being unreasonable about not going. Let DH go alone, surely they know having a toddler is hard work never mind travelling for hours and paying a fortune to.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/07/2024 01:27

I'm so glad @telestrations and @Ponderingwindow have pointed out it's not a foreign or destination wedding. When you marry someone from somewhere else, someone will be put out. How we managed it was to tell the travelling people that they needn't come but if they did, they shouldn't buy a present. If they objected, we sent a wedding gift list that included things like biscuits from the home country or tiny, token things.

Knowing people have to fly and then expecting a large cash gift isn't OK. It means one side have to fork out more, which isn't fair.

I wouldn't miss a sibling's wedding but everything else is negotiable.

suburberphobe · 16/07/2024 01:30

DH asked about going on his own but his family were upset at the idea that DS wouldn't be there.

Well, there's a reason they want him to be there. He's family. Half of their culture.

I have a biracial child and went with him to our family abroad (he was 14) so he could embrace that side of him. I think it did him the power of good. He's an adult now.
We still have contact.

Money was tight but I made it happen. Working overtime, savings, etc.

PBandJ111 · 16/07/2024 05:29

If you go, forgo the large wedding gift. You don’t have to gift them lots of money. Especially when you’re paying a load to go to it.

Chickenribbon · 16/07/2024 06:18

If you can afford it and want to all go - go. If only your husband goes - as that makes more financial and practical sense - so be it.

If you can’t afford it for any permutations - but family are ‘insistent’ that your family all go - then you insist that they pay.

Set firm fair boundaries about what you can afford.

Ask whether they want you to send your bank details to purchase the tickets or if they are booking the tickets directly.

Don’t get into a debate. You are adult as they may put pressure on you but they can’t force you to go.

Re. Gift - you give what you want / can afford Regardless of convention and tradition.

You give according to your heart and your budget .

BusyMum47 · 16/07/2024 07:04

A million percent NO! Not a chance. For all the reasons you stated in your 1st post. Sod the fallout - they're being ridiculously unreasonable!! I'd have no problem saying a hard NO to this without a single second of guilt or 2nd thoughts - it's just bonkers!!

mitogoshi · 16/07/2024 07:44

As it's the brides home I don't count it as a destination wedding. Personally I would go if i could but speak to the groom and get advice on best way to attend with dc, if there will be other dc there, entertainment laid on etc. and explain that you really can't afford a huge gift as well as the flights and hotel. If they want you there they won't expect you to give a large gift, young children don't count when it comes to head count gifts anyway. I've been to several abroad weddings where the bride or groom were from there and none expected overseas guests to bring gifts

bigageap · 16/07/2024 07:48

They wouldn't be receiving a large monetary gift if i attended at such an expense.

Cinocino · 16/07/2024 07:54

It’s your DH’s brother’s wedding! I would make an effort to go. Theres every chance toddler will have a great time.

hammering · 16/07/2024 07:55

I wouldn't go in your position but as others have said, your DH should make the effort for his brother.

Cinocino · 16/07/2024 07:55

BusyMum47 · 16/07/2024 07:04

A million percent NO! Not a chance. For all the reasons you stated in your 1st post. Sod the fallout - they're being ridiculously unreasonable!! I'd have no problem saying a hard NO to this without a single second of guilt or 2nd thoughts - it's just bonkers!!

Why on earth is it bonkers? Your post is so overdramatic.

rookiemere · 16/07/2024 07:58

Would his DPs be in a position to help pay for it if DH asked?

They are the ones who want your DC there and it is a big and unexpected expense.

I don't normally suggest asking for parental handouts, but in this circumstance if they can afford it, it makes sense.