Expensive overseas wedding with a toddler

[lilialy]

AIBU to feel unenthused?

DBIL has invited DH, DS and me to his overseas wedding. It's near where his fiancée grew up, which is a pleasant place but in the middle of bloody nowhere. There's only one airline/UK airport you can use to get out there, and even once you arrive it's several hours' drive to get to the venue. The celebrations then last a few days. Most of the guests are from that country, many don't speak English, and we unfortunately don't speak the local language.

Flights alone are coming in at just over a grand for the three of us. We're then looking at an airport hotel and parking in the UK as the flight out leaves in the early hours of the morning and we don't live anywhere near, plus car hire out there, and expenses for a few days. We've also been told it's customary to give a monetary gift of several hundred pounds each. So this will easily be several grand for just a few days.

When DBIL first mentioned that this was the plan, DH said it might be a bit much with DS but we'd gladly join them for any UK celebrations. This went down terribly with DPIL who said as immediate family we have to go.

Do we just suck it up? I'm sure we would have done back in our 20s, but even the couple of overseas weddings we went to back then turned into a bit of a logistical headache, with lots of hidden costs. Throw in a 2 year old who will likely be tired/bored by most of it, and need to be in bed as the party's getting underway, and it just feels so difficult to justify the cost/hassle. What would you do?

In a similar situation we went.

It kept the family peace but honestly it was a very difficult experience.

All our English family really helped keep the toddlers occupied (we had twins) which we were incredibly grateful for.

Most of the English side had a bad experience. It was expensive, the locals were not welcoming, just... not great.

General relations between that side and the English side really lapsed quite a lot afterwards as there was definite perception that a lot of pressure was put on to attend an event that was just not good.

If I went, I wouldn't be making a large cash gift.

That is part of your tradition that they can accept. Especially considering the expense of travelling there.

If you think it could be a good trip, they're generally supportive of each other, then I'd try and go.

We've also been told it's customary to give a monetary gift of several hundred pounds each.

Who told you this?

I wouldn't consider observing this. I suspect plenty of people don't.

I absolutely would not go.

I’d see about sending dh by himself though.

I would tell your PILs that you can only afford for one of you to go and they can choose between your DH and the toddler (who they would then have to babysit for the whole time).

It's a very close relative so I would make the effort to go and I would make it happy and exciting.

Not do-able with a 2 year old. Stay home and send congratulations electronically. Have a little celebration yourself at home if you feel left out. Your baby will thank you..

I travelled to weddings overseas when I was single and that was expensive and tiring enough (for good friends, not family). In your circumstances it is totally reasonable for DH to attend, and your contribution to this is to ensure that he can. So you are running your UK home, work and life whilst he is away. The trip doesn't sound at all appropriate for a small toddler, no matter how loved and adored by the family. Of course if you are not attending and the DC isn't either there are more funds available for the expected large cash wedding gift! Be firm!

If PILs are that keen for you all to go, tell them money is tight. They can:

Pay for your family to travel their
Pay for your wedding cash
Help look after 2yo

If not, they can zip it!

I don’t think any of “need” to go especially with it being overseas and your DS is so young.

Neither of my DHs brothers came to our wedding (it was on a Wednesday) and there was no drama about it. We went to one of his brothers weddings and honestly no one would have noticed if we hadn’t been there as it was all about their friends really. I don’t get all the fuss about people “having” to attend all these things but am prepared to accept that may be an unusual view.

If PIL are so insistent that you have to be there maybe they should offer to pay?

'Personally' exactly this you don't know why OPs circumstances are could be very different to yours. Sound like you're trying to shame her here!

When you book an overseas wedding (we did as well due to connection to the country) then you have to accept that some people won't be able to attend, and those people might be close family members. The same thing happened to us.

I wouldn't take a toddler, no, and pay several thousand to attend a wedding in the middle of nowhere. DH should fly in and fly out for the ceremony itself and the reception and stay for two nights in a low cost option, and you should spend the money on a family holiday. Unless this place is amazing, and could be the family holiday I could not justify the cost.

The entitlement of some people to suggest you must go or there will be fall out etc is for the birds and doesn't wash. The happy couple can host a party on their return and celebrate with everyone else if they wish.

My BIL married an Australian woman and the wedding was out there. Very few of his family went. They had a second reception in this country (she wore her wedding dress), which was fabulous.
It's too much to expect people to pay thousands for one's wedding. Your BIL should be more understanding. It's certainly not an obligation you go - maybe just your husband in this case?

Urgh these situations make my blood boil.

Someone else has been selfish (rightly so it’s their wedding and their choice blah blah blah) but ultimately they’ve not considered you at all and have made it the most inconvenient and expensive it could possibly be… but now you’re the bad guys if you don’t crawl over hot coals naked to be there.

Ive really learnt to put my big girl pants on in these situations but it’s taken me several years and 2 toddlers. What I will say is I always thought asserting myself and being firm wasn’t possible because ‘that’s not how our family are and you don’t understand it’ll cause massive issues’ but low and behold when I actually did it, aside from the initial push back, it was totally fine. Soon as they realised I wouldn’t budge it was just like ‘well ok then’

Heres some stock responses

‘it doesn’t work for us as a young family’
‘if it was that important for us to be there it shouldn’t have been booked in such a prohibitively long and expensive trip away’

’i feel like you’re not considering our small child’s wellbeing in all of this they are not an accessory to this wedding’
‘if you want us to be there so badly you’re welcome to pay but we cannot and will not be paying several thousand to be there’
‘we were not consulted in the planning and therefore are not wrong or bad to say we simply can’t meet these extensive travel demands’
‘DBIL isn’t expecting his wife’s family to make the journey here why would they expect us to make the journey there?’

and finally - if it comes to it but I’m sure it won’t.

‘If you cannot accept our decision gracefully I’m afraid it’s going to impact our relationship long term. I’m very disappointed in your lack of concern for your very small grandchild/niece/nephew in all of this and the lack of empathy towards them and us as a young family is beginning to bitter our feelings towards this family’

Really cheeky to ask for 'several hundreds' of £ as a gift. I wouldn't gift them any money!! Also just tell your DH to go and you and your toddler stay home.

It's not anyone involved in this wedding's fault that that is customary. Different places d have different customs.

I've been to lots of Asian weddings and the custom s giving money in red envelopes which is then used to pay the restaurant bill. It's not 'cheeky', that the custom.

Not everyone is white British.

Also, they haven't even asked the op for money.

I'm mixed race. It's cheeky.

I'm mixed race. It's cheeky.

Of every race?

Ask whether they want you to send your bank details to purchase the tickets or if they are booking the tickets directly. oh wow @Chickenribbon , would you really do this in real life? Wouldn't you be embarrassed?
I have always said that the only destination wedding i would attend would be my own dcs', but this isn't a destination wedding, it's your bil marrying a woman in her home country. I would go, by seeing where she is from and her family you will know her better and she will feel more welcomed into your family.

Look, there are different races and customs in the world other than the ones that you deem not 'cheeky'.

Being mixed race doesn't mean you can't be racist.

Deciding that you wouldn't go to your husband's brothers wedding and you wouldn't get them a gift is quite a negative attitude towards a wedding which a lot of people would see as a happy occasion.

I had a similar invite about 20 years ago, my family consisting of two toddlers, a young teen, my DH and myself did go and I remember it costing 2k which was a lot of money then. Only one other couple went with a toddler, all the other parents with young DC declined, however I was a very close relative to the groom.

We did buy a cheaper wedding gift than we would have it had been a local wedding. I did buy some new clothes for the family but they were worn again.

It was amazing and I have no regrets.

I think DH only attending is a good suggestion or go and give a smaller amount of cash than culturally expected.

I'd make every effort I could to go. But I'd want to. If you don't want to then don't go.

He was 14! There's no benefit for the 2 year old.

I think a second reception is a very good idea, especially if the bride wears her wedding dress. It respects friends and family who couldn’t travel to the wedding itself, allowing them to celebrate the marriage, just as the guests at the wedding did.

Exactly. No comparison.

The two year old won't remember the experience. While it's happening, there's a realistic chance they'll find a long journey, tiredness, being out of routine and lots of people they don't know to be unpleasant. Them going would be for the benefit of other relatives, at best, and if they do end up being a pain in the arse they'll probably have to be kept out of the way to an extent anyway. Almost certainly with the OP having to do the bulk of the grunt work, but in somewhere unfamiliar.

I don't think I'd put myself and a toddler through that level of faff even if someone else was paying. But if they do have to fund it themselves, much better to save the money and use it for DS to learn about that side of his culture when he's old enough to get something out of the visit. Really, it's fine for just DH to go.