Expensive overseas wedding with a toddler

[lilialy]

AIBU to feel unenthused?

DBIL has invited DH, DS and me to his overseas wedding. It's near where his fiancée grew up, which is a pleasant place but in the middle of bloody nowhere. There's only one airline/UK airport you can use to get out there, and even once you arrive it's several hours' drive to get to the venue. The celebrations then last a few days. Most of the guests are from that country, many don't speak English, and we unfortunately don't speak the local language.

Flights alone are coming in at just over a grand for the three of us. We're then looking at an airport hotel and parking in the UK as the flight out leaves in the early hours of the morning and we don't live anywhere near, plus car hire out there, and expenses for a few days. We've also been told it's customary to give a monetary gift of several hundred pounds each. So this will easily be several grand for just a few days.

When DBIL first mentioned that this was the plan, DH said it might be a bit much with DS but we'd gladly join them for any UK celebrations. This went down terribly with DPIL who said as immediate family we have to go.

Do we just suck it up? I'm sure we would have done back in our 20s, but even the couple of overseas weddings we went to back then turned into a bit of a logistical headache, with lots of hidden costs. Throw in a 2 year old who will likely be tired/bored by most of it, and need to be in bed as the party's getting underway, and it just feels so difficult to justify the cost/hassle. What would you do?

I'm in the camp that if you have a destination wedding, expect people not to be able to attend. The solution is that DH goes alone or you attend the UK celebrations only

Echoing PPs - if this is the bride's home country then it's not a destination wedding. My SIL had a destination wedding half way around the world when my dd was 7 months - we didn't go. If your DH has a close relationship with his brother then he should go, but potentially not you and DS depending upon how you feel you can manage the logistics.

For your husband's sibling I don't really think it's optional - you have to go. (Barring some horrible dripfeed about your BIL obviously.)

I agree it's not a destination wedding if that's where the bride is from and her family still live there. I don't think it's unreasonable at all for them to get married there and it's probably easier to do the wedding there than in the UK.

However, it is still a huge financial commitment so it's fine to question how to do this.
If his parents are so insistent on you all being there, then are they offering to help with the costs?
What I don't understand is why he's asking his family rather than deciding what to do and telling them?

It would be nice for you all to go but equally absolutely ok for just your husband to go but he definitely should.

Make the effort if you really want to be there, but don’t go if you’ll get nothing out of it. We’ve been in your position 3 times with weddings of siblings. Twice we went and I regretted one of the trips because of the expense and it wasn’t fun. The other time though toddlers we well catered for and we had a great time. The third time, my own DBs wedding, we didn’t go and I don’t regret it. Years later no one even remembers that we missed it!

You've got yourselves a Groomzilla!
Whether it's a destination wedding or not doesn't matter, it costs the same whatever it's called.
Your dbil is a cheeky git and has no right to insist that anybody attends, or that they also have to give a big cash gift.
I think dbil needs to understand right now that you and ds will not be attending. Work out whether you can afford for your DH to attend. It really shouldn't be causing you financial hardship or worry, so be sure that you can afford it. If you definitely can afford for DH to go (and assuming he wants to), let dbil know that you will not be also giving him a hefty cash gift. It might be traditional in the bride's home country but then they aren't also paying four figure sums to get there.

I wouldn't go with a DS that age. We went to a wedding in Scotland when he was 18 months and that was bad enough! Never again.

He was bored, moany, it was difficult to get food when he needed to eat and it cost quite a lot for a pretty challenging weekend. I agree your DH should go on his own.

As someone mentioned any one who insists people should go should pay for it

Plus for a few hours away I would not just go anywhere for a couple of nights so then annual leave would come into it

But then I only wanted people who could come to our wedding who could easily make it I would have been appalled if I thought it was an expectation or people had to spend heaps just for a wedding no matter how people label it

Of course you should go. It’s not a destination wedding and there are two of you with one child, and other family around to help if you really can’t manage.
Folk on here have such a miserable, curmudgeonly attitude to life… why should the ILs pay when the OP says they can afford it? The two year old will probably have a whale of a time.

Difficult to get food? Plan ahead and take some supplies of things you know he will eat.

Fine for just DH to go. DS will probably be a pain in the arse anyway. They might all feel quite differently when confronted with the reality of a tired and out of routine toddler. And it'll no doubt be you not DH that's expected to take on most of the behaviour management. No, I'd wish DH a happy trip and save the money.

Anyone who has an abroad wedding should be completely ok with people who invited not being able to make it due to many factors including work/finances/children etc.

Your brother in law and family are being unreasonable being mad at you for potentially not being able to make it. Just your husband going is a middle ground compromise and they’re still not happy at that.

You are close family of the groom - so talk to them.

Tell them “we really want to come, but we are concerned about the cost/DS being a handful/not speaking the language. How can we work this out?”

If they want you to come - it’s the groom’s brother, sister in law and nephew, so they almost certainly do want you to - then they will likely try to work something out.

This went down terribly with DPIL who said as immediate family we have to go.

Are they going to pay for you to go? If not then they don't get a say.

If Mumsnet is to be believed on weddings, no one should ever marry anyone from outside their home town — all weddings should then just be in the couple’s hometown (because they must both be from the same place) and cost £0 to attend.

Don’t go if you don’t want to but be prepared to deal with the fallout. If my brother chose not to attend my wedding (or if I chose not to attend his), there would certainly be fallout with both the sibling and our parents.

@lilialy Your DH's family can stamp their feet all they like but ultimately they don't get to decide how you spend your money unless they are willing to put their hands in their pockets themselves.

I would send your husband on his own. The family will get over it.

The OP's DS isn't from the culture where the wedding is. The wedding is being held where the bride (the OP's BIL's fiancée) is from.

I agree it's not a destination wedding but as @MrsTerryPratchett said, if you have your wedding in a location which is expensive and difficult for half your guests to get to (even if there is a very good reason for it, as is the case here) you have to be understanding if people can't make it and you certainly need to drop any expectation of large cash gifts on top. If people can't afford it, they can't afford it.

We were in a similar situation and knew that half our guests would need to travel abroad for our wedding. We made it as easy as possible for them and made it clear that we didn't expect presents on top. Some people still didn't come (which was fine). Others came and gave us substantial cash gifts on top.

If PIL desperately want you there they can contribute to costs. Or just DH goes. Or go but say you can’t also manage the monetary gift as you’ll be spending ridiculous amounts to get there. Surely they should gladly accept this (they should even insist on it unless you were loaded!). But anyone who has an overseas wedding needs to accept many people (even immediate family) may not be able to make it. At least in this case it’s the brides former home, not a random location for the sake of it, but still, it’s expensive to get to and that’s all there is to it.

Your ds will get nothing out of this experience. I'd say just your dh go.

No way I would spend that much on a wedding travelling that far with a 2 yo instead of a family holiday. A 2 yo will have no memories of the trip.
Husband could attend. It would cost less than half.

Yes well I obviously did that @Pottedpalm but by day 3 he's eaten everything we had and we were in the middle of nowhere with a full wedding programme that made it difficult to get away to the supermarket.

How entitled is BIL! I married in my husband's country and I told my family that I understand if it's not convenient for them and don't worry if you can't come.
I would not go if I were you but I would send DS (make up whatever excuse to appease them). They will forget about it. Atleast nobody can accuse you of keeping DH away from them 😄

It's your husband's brother...of course you should go. It's a once in a lifetime experience. Don't buy a gift, but do go. And it's not a destination wedding if your future SIL is from there.

I think in your situation you have to realise that there will be fallout if you don't go (expected and reasonable). I have contributed to the cost for overseas family to attend our wedding, but I would have been really upset if they didn't attend.

Your inlaws can't demand people come to a wedding abroad. I echo what others say - if your PILs are so adamant that you must attend, they can help financially.

I'd send just DH, and see if the trip can be made cheaper by travelling with others eg PILs - can he go in their hire car, can they hire somewhere to stay together - a 1 bed apt where he stays on a sofabed? It'll be easier to do it cheaply if it's just DH.

I agree with others who say a wedding with a toddler is zero fun.

You definitely don't need to give a gift if you're spending hundreds or thousands to attend a wedding. Although alternatively you could give them something relatively inexpensive but thoughtful. A beautiful vintage print of the area SIL is from / home town or something?

What is your relationship like with the people going who are English speakers? Does your toddler enjoy their company? If they have a strong bond with your toddler, go along - they will most likely want to spend time playing with him, and you may find older relatives are happy to babysit if the party goes on longer than they find enjoyable.

If they are hands off and you're likely to be wrangling a toddler alone, I'd probably step back.