Page 4 | Expensive overseas wedding with a toddler

lilialy · 2024-07-15T23:19:02+00:00

AIBU to feel unenthused? DBIL has invited DH, DS and me to his overseas wedding. It's near where his fiancée grew up, which is a pleasant place but in the middle of bloody nowhere. There's only one airline/UK airport you can use to get out there, and even once you arrive it's several hours' drive to get to the venue. The celebrations then last a few days. Most of the guests are from that country, many don't speak English, and we unfortunately don't speak the local language. Flights alone are coming in at just over a grand for the three of us. We're then looking at an airport hotel and parking in the UK as the flight out leaves in the early hours of the morning and we don't live anywhere near, plus car hire out there, and expenses for a few days. We've also been told it's customary to give a monetary gift of several hundred pounds each. So this will easily be several grand for just a few days. When DBIL first mentioned that this was the plan, DH said it might be a bit much with DS but we'd gladly join them for any UK celebrations. This went down terribly with DPIL who said as immediate family we have to go. Do we just suck it up? I'm sure we would have done back in our 20s, but even the couple of overseas weddings we went to back then turned into a bit of a logistical headache, with lots of hidden costs. Throw in a 2 year old who will likely be tired/bored by most of it, and need to be in bed as the party's getting underway, and it just feels so difficult to justify the cost/hassle. What would you do?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 20/07/2024 09:24

PregnantWithHorrors · 20/07/2024 09:19

Exactly. No comparison.

The two year old won't remember the experience. While it's happening, there's a realistic chance they'll find a long journey, tiredness, being out of routine and lots of people they don't know to be unpleasant. Them going would be for the benefit of other relatives, at best, and if they do end up being a pain in the arse they'll probably have to be kept out of the way to an extent anyway. Almost certainly with the OP having to do the bulk of the grunt work, but in somewhere unfamiliar.

I don't think I'd put myself and a toddler through that level of faff even if someone else was paying. But if they do have to fund it themselves, much better to save the money and use it for DS to learn about that side of his culture when he's old enough to get something out of the visit. Really, it's fine for just DH to go.

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It's not her DS's culture.

It's her DS's uncle's future wife's culture.

My BIL is married to a Turkish woman and so my children's cousin is half Turkish. I'd love to go with them for a holiday at some point but that's all it will be, a holiday. I won't consider that my kids are learning anything about a part of their own culture.

Kitkatcatflap · 20/07/2024 09:28

Absolutely no way - not with a two year old. The compromise is your DH will attend the wedding on his own. Your PIL are being selfish. There will be no benefit to a 2 year old attending. Your toddler won't remember it, will have it's routine thrown out of kilter, will probably get cranky and one of you (you most probably as the groom is DH's immediate family) will have to retire to the hotel early. Guarantee it won't be PILs.

They are demanding the presence of your toddler as a photo opp. Your toddler will probably never even see their Uncle's wedding photos. It's your family, PILs don't get to demand anything.

Despair1 · 20/07/2024 10:07

Hi OP, I totally get why you don't want to do this trip with young son. Flights/heat/timelines/long drives/waiting around etc etc and that is without the expense. I think you are being put under an enormous amount of pressure. Your husband reasonably said you would love to attend any UK celebrations.
Make your joint decision and let it be

Zanatdy · 20/07/2024 10:21

No-one can make you go but you really should make the effort for immediate family. My ex missed the ceremony of his own brothers wedding due to his teams first home game of the season! He then went straight to the wedding. They didn’t seem to mind but I thought it was terrible

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 20/07/2024 10:39

Not going to your brother’s wedding is a statement. They aren’t having a destination wedding, they are getting married in her home town. One side would have to fly and it’s much more traditional for the wedding to take place at the brides family location than the grooms.

if you can find the money, even if it will be a faff and not the holiday you would chose, for the sake of the next 20 years of Christmas dinner not being strained/your PIL not feeling they can invite you both to events etc, go.

i would also speak wirh PIL, you should be able to stretch to it, but would they be able to help with sharing costs of say renting a villa together or sharing a hire car etc.

PregnantWithHorrors · 20/07/2024 11:09

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 20/07/2024 09:24

It's not her DS's culture.

It's her DS's uncle's future wife's culture.

My BIL is married to a Turkish woman and so my children's cousin is half Turkish. I'd love to go with them for a holiday at some point but that's all it will be, a holiday. I won't consider that my kids are learning anything about a part of their own culture.

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Is it? Even less argument for taking the 2 year old now then. DH can just go by himself.

rookiemere · 20/07/2024 11:51

Zanatdy · 20/07/2024 10:21

No-one can make you go but you really should make the effort for immediate family. My ex missed the ceremony of his own brothers wedding due to his teams first home game of the season! He then went straight to the wedding. They didn’t seem to mind but I thought it was terrible

That's somewhat different though from the cost and inconvenience of bringing a young DC abroad for a wedding.

Swiftie1878 · 20/07/2024 12:37

If PIL are so determined, they should pay for you all to go!

Zanatdy · 20/07/2024 12:42

rookiemere · 20/07/2024 11:51

That's somewhat different though from the cost and inconvenience of bringing a young DC abroad for a wedding.

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Well yes it is, was just an example of family not attending wedding but he only had to travel to north London! We were invited (me and 2 kids) but only if we pretended to be a friend of the bride and the kids had to ignore their grandparents!! Needless to say we declined). That was when the community didn’t know our children existed. We did attend the register office wedding though. Sadly I’ve not been invited to any destination weddings as I’d quite enjoy them, but my kids are older now but I did travel with them when younger

Despair1 · 20/07/2024 19:53

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 20/07/2024 10:39

Not going to your brother’s wedding is a statement. They aren’t having a destination wedding, they are getting married in her home town. One side would have to fly and it’s much more traditional for the wedding to take place at the brides family location than the grooms.

if you can find the money, even if it will be a faff and not the holiday you would chose, for the sake of the next 20 years of Christmas dinner not being strained/your PIL not feeling they can invite you both to events etc, go.

i would also speak wirh PIL, you should be able to stretch to it, but would they be able to help with sharing costs of say renting a villa together or sharing a hire car etc.

Wise advice

ladydeedy · 21/07/2024 12:21

I think you just need to state it clearly now and stick to your guns. Dont over-debate or be drawn into a conversation.

"We wont be there however we cant wait to celebrate with you afterwards". End of.

I have been in a similar situation and I think the sooner it's said, the sooner it is accepted and they'll just focussed on their plans. Do not be guilt-tripped into it.

Easier said than done, I know!! But you'll feel an immense sense of relief. Just repeat, repeat if necessary until they hear it!!

duckduckgo13 · 21/07/2024 21:33

i just think not going to a brother in law’s wedding in his future wife’s home country is a decision that is going to cause pretty big issues down the line…if you don’t care about maintaining the family relationship (and it seems like lots of people on Mumsnet don’t!), then fine, but if you do care, be mindful that people will remember and this will affect your husbands relationship with his family. And you can set all the boundaries that you want but some things are really important (like weddings in most families).

CopeNorth · 23/07/2024 12:47

It’s his brother. I would go and try to be excited about it. It’s the bride’s home - they are not dragging you out somewhere for no reason. I’d let DH decide because it’s his family.

Ooooookay · 23/07/2024 14:12

We did something similar for my cousins wedding when my daughter was the same age, she had the best time and we have such happy memories. Provided you can afford it make a holiday of it. I can’t imagine missing my siblings wedding even if it was a faff with a toddler.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/07/2024 14:26

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 20/07/2024 10:39

Not going to your brother’s wedding is a statement. They aren’t having a destination wedding, they are getting married in her home town. One side would have to fly and it’s much more traditional for the wedding to take place at the brides family location than the grooms.

if you can find the money, even if it will be a faff and not the holiday you would chose, for the sake of the next 20 years of Christmas dinner not being strained/your PIL not feeling they can invite you both to events etc, go.

i would also speak wirh PIL, you should be able to stretch to it, but would they be able to help with sharing costs of say renting a villa together or sharing a hire car etc.

Quite, People keep talking about it like having a UK wedding if two people are from different places is default. It's not. The bride's home is actually default traditionally. If she is from a less wealthy country as well, travelling is more of a burden on her family than the UK family as well.