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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband secretly messaging friend

89 replies

Lili10 · 15/07/2024 22:50

Please tell me - AIBU

when we got together, almost 7 years ago, my husband was super insecure. He'd come out of a bad relationship and had trust issues so struggled A LOT with my male friends and me going out by myself. I took the approach of I loved him and wanted to help him gain confidence and so reassured him a lot, went out less and was very supportive / open about my male friends (there were not many and not close friends) but gradually these fell away and gradually I stopped going out without him.

My husband recently had a birthday. He showed me a message from a female friend but it was in German (his language) and told me it was just a general catch up message with happy birthday and, because he wanted to be open, there was nothing to worry about.

I thought that was all weird (too much reassurance when it wasn't needed) so a few weeks later I google translated the messages.

He'd messaged her talking about a what if moment about when they'd nearly gone out and imagine what would have happened and did she ever think about it. She messaged back saying stuff would definitely have happened. She asked if he'd be sunbathing nude on holiday etc

For context, they are both married with kids. our marriage is not going well. We have a 4 year old and he's not exactly enjoying family life (he doesn't do a lot with him) and is often complaining my main focus is our DS. Whilst I do try to give DH attention (date nights, sex 3x p/w etc) our DS does need attention and I am pretty much the only person looking after him.

Am I right to feel annoyed with the hypocrisy and like this is the first step to cheating? I am at the moment furious and need some rationalisation I think.

Or am I being insecure and need to focus on him a bit more?

I don't mind him having female friends, but he doesn't mention me in any messages, there's no suggestion of us meeting up all together so we can be couple mates so this all feels secret and like he's a massive hypocrite.

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 15/07/2024 22:53

I'd be angry that he'd lied to me. YNBU.

cupcaske123 · 15/07/2024 22:54

He's obviously controlling. He worked to isolate you from friends. Is he controlling in other ways?

He sounds like he's taking you for granted and is flirting with someone. Perhaps you need a chat about the relationship.

paywalled · 15/07/2024 22:55

So he manipulated you into giving up your male friends and yet he himself is sending inappropriate messages to a female friend, which is disrespectful of you?

You also care for your joint child and he repays you by moaning that he doesn’t get attention from you.

He’s a complete twat. You don’t need to give him more time and focus, you need to give him a divorce.

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 15/07/2024 22:57

Time to sit down and lay out your boundaries OP. As a PP said, he's isolated you, and now that he's got you tied down with a child, who incidentally he does sod all to help care for, he's bored and decided to go window shopping, with a view to more if he finds what he's looking for. In your shoes, I too would be fuming with the hypocrisy of his behaviour.

ByLilacMember · 15/07/2024 22:57

Sorry to hear that, I'd feel the same. It was all a bit 'the lady doth protest too much' if you get the reference regarding him showing you that message, and he should have translated it out loud as a curtesy.
I think he needs to focus his efforts on family life more and seek satisfaction from his wife and DS, not look for silly distractions elsewhere just for the hell of it. Why doesn't he look after DS much?

He seems to have time to spare to pontificate about silly things.

Original poster
Lili10 · 15/07/2024 23:07

cupcaske123 · 15/07/2024 22:54

He's obviously controlling. He worked to isolate you from friends. Is he controlling in other ways?

He sounds like he's taking you for granted and is flirting with someone. Perhaps you need a chat about the relationship.

Yes he is, I guess. We see my friends and family but always as a couple. I've just sort of come to realise that I don't go anywhere by myself. Sort of felt it was because we had a DC but when I sit back I realise it's probably not. I always felt that (what a nob I am) it was for the right reasons (insecurity, lack of confidence) and we were in it together. Now I feel like I am an idiot and I'm stuck.

OP posts:
cupcaske123 · 15/07/2024 23:10

Lili10 · 15/07/2024 23:07

Yes he is, I guess. We see my friends and family but always as a couple. I've just sort of come to realise that I don't go anywhere by myself. Sort of felt it was because we had a DC but when I sit back I realise it's probably not. I always felt that (what a nob I am) it was for the right reasons (insecurity, lack of confidence) and we were in it together. Now I feel like I am an idiot and I'm stuck.

Show quote history

I thought so. Control is insidious and doesn't have to be obvious. It creeps up on you.

What do you want to do? How do you think he'd react if you started pushing back? After all he's got you right where he wants you.

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/07/2024 23:12

He sounds like a total wanker OP. Controlled and manipulated you, is a shit absent parent, and now merrily betraying you - with words for now.

Noseybookworm · 15/07/2024 23:19

How many men use having 'been in a bad relationship' and 'being insecure' as an excuse to isolate their partner from their friends and stop them going out? I've lost count of the number of posts I've seen on here with the same theme.

He's a controlling twat who isn't pulling his weight in the home or taking care of his child. Meanwhile you are trying to give him attention with date nights and sex! You are doing all the work here OP and he's off having sexy chats with his 'old friend'

You need to decide if you're willing to put up with this crap any more.

VJBR · 15/07/2024 23:23

I think you need to confront him. He’s taking the piss. And no, you aren’t stuck. You can have a life without him.

Original poster
Lili10 · 15/07/2024 23:25

*I thought so. Control is insidious and doesn't have to be obvious. It creeps up on you.

What do you want to do? How do you think he'd react if you started pushing back? After all he's got you right where he wants you.*

Yes, we moved to Germany 18 months ago and I'm finding it hard to find work (learning German but it's hard), so yes - we are fully reliant on him.

I asked him if I needed to worry about her, because I'd never met her and he got super defensive and told me I was mad and then listed "all the male friends" he'd had to deal with which I'd never provided suitable reassurances about.

If I was giving me advice I think, which is why I asked, this is big red flag beating me on the head (I've ignored or missed the other ones) and I think I need to prepare to leave. It's not the messages, I think it's the lie and that he's demanding different things of me.

It's pathetic, but I love him and I just want him to be better but that's not in the cards I've got.

OP posts:
StJanetof · 15/07/2024 23:29

He’s controlling, has isolated you from
your friends, and won’t let you go out without him. It’s abuse.

Takenoprisoner · 15/07/2024 23:30

This is so hard. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Can you back to visit family and not return? As he's not interested in your dc, so may not fight for custody. I think you need to extricate yourself with care here. He's a very clever and controlling man.

How old are you both?

cupcaske123 · 15/07/2024 23:30

Lili10 · 15/07/2024 23:25

*I thought so. Control is insidious and doesn't have to be obvious. It creeps up on you.

What do you want to do? How do you think he'd react if you started pushing back? After all he's got you right where he wants you.*

Yes, we moved to Germany 18 months ago and I'm finding it hard to find work (learning German but it's hard), so yes - we are fully reliant on him.

I asked him if I needed to worry about her, because I'd never met her and he got super defensive and told me I was mad and then listed "all the male friends" he'd had to deal with which I'd never provided suitable reassurances about.

If I was giving me advice I think, which is why I asked, this is big red flag beating me on the head (I've ignored or missed the other ones) and I think I need to prepare to leave. It's not the messages, I think it's the lie and that he's demanding different things of me.

It's pathetic, but I love him and I just want him to be better but that's not in the cards I've got.

The fog is beginning to clear and you're seeing him for what he is. I'm sure you'll find the strength to do the right thing.

Mum5net · 15/07/2024 23:32

OP, put your phone away for the night. I know your mind will be racing but you need the benefit of sleep.

Tomorrow really is a fresh start.

Original poster
Lili10 · 15/07/2024 23:34

Takenoprisoner · 15/07/2024 23:30

This is so hard. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Can you back to visit family and not return? As he's not interested in your dc, so may not fight for custody. I think you need to extricate yourself with care here. He's a very clever and controlling man.

How old are you both?

We are both in our forties.

I have naively just been waiting for him to get on board with being a dad and covering everything whilst he does.

OP posts:
SensualDecay · 15/07/2024 23:38

He sounds controlling and diminishing of you. The way you talk about sex makes me feel uncomfortable for you, like you're feeding a hungry lion rather than enjoying a mutually pleasurable and loving act. I hope I misunderstood.

DanielGault · 15/07/2024 23:44

Lili10 · 15/07/2024 23:25

*I thought so. Control is insidious and doesn't have to be obvious. It creeps up on you.

What do you want to do? How do you think he'd react if you started pushing back? After all he's got you right where he wants you.*

Yes, we moved to Germany 18 months ago and I'm finding it hard to find work (learning German but it's hard), so yes - we are fully reliant on him.

I asked him if I needed to worry about her, because I'd never met her and he got super defensive and told me I was mad and then listed "all the male friends" he'd had to deal with which I'd never provided suitable reassurances about.

If I was giving me advice I think, which is why I asked, this is big red flag beating me on the head (I've ignored or missed the other ones) and I think I need to prepare to leave. It's not the messages, I think it's the lie and that he's demanding different things of me.

It's pathetic, but I love him and I just want him to be better but that's not in the cards I've got.

You sound very switched on. He's totally trying to mess with you. It's very calculated on his part.

Sisiwawa · 15/07/2024 23:49

Start making plans to leave, maybe you could star applying for jobs in the UK? Many do online interviews, then as someone said earlier, visit the UK on holiday and don't return. He's not gonna get any better from here.

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 15/07/2024 23:51

It sounds like you know what you have to do OP.

Did you move to Germany from the UK? If so, how difficult would it be for you to get back here, and get yourself set up again, ie, do you have family and friends that would support you? Have you previously worked in a sector that it would be easy to get back into? Do you think your 'H' would fight you for your child?

Mum5net · 16/07/2024 13:48

@Lili10 Been thinking about you. These are dark days but there will be a time in the future when things eventually resolve and become considerably better. This week, seeing things with fresh eyes and a different perspective, you might find some allies and support from people in unexpected places.

Original poster
Lili10 · 16/07/2024 14:48

Thanks everyone. Feels helpful to know that I'm not being paranoid or hyper insecure.
Just not sure what to do next.
Don't really know where to go. I have friends / family in the UK but they are all very spread out, so there isn't an obvious return point.
I don't think he'll object (strongly) to me going back but I would like my DC to be able to see him and have some sort of relationship.
I guess it'll work it out once I have my ducks more lined up.
Currently on holiday trying to pretend I'm breezy. I am not breezy.

OP posts:
MaryMack · 16/07/2024 15:49

Write yourself a to do list and at the top put 'leave husband'. Look into rental accommodation in the UK, ask friends and family for support, and get yourself away from this controlling man.

Itstime2023 · 16/07/2024 17:57

Lili10 · 15/07/2024 22:50

Please tell me - AIBU

when we got together, almost 7 years ago, my husband was super insecure. He'd come out of a bad relationship and had trust issues so struggled A LOT with my male friends and me going out by myself. I took the approach of I loved him and wanted to help him gain confidence and so reassured him a lot, went out less and was very supportive / open about my male friends (there were not many and not close friends) but gradually these fell away and gradually I stopped going out without him.

My husband recently had a birthday. He showed me a message from a female friend but it was in German (his language) and told me it was just a general catch up message with happy birthday and, because he wanted to be open, there was nothing to worry about.

I thought that was all weird (too much reassurance when it wasn't needed) so a few weeks later I google translated the messages.

He'd messaged her talking about a what if moment about when they'd nearly gone out and imagine what would have happened and did she ever think about it. She messaged back saying stuff would definitely have happened. She asked if he'd be sunbathing nude on holiday etc

For context, they are both married with kids. our marriage is not going well. We have a 4 year old and he's not exactly enjoying family life (he doesn't do a lot with him) and is often complaining my main focus is our DS. Whilst I do try to give DH attention (date nights, sex 3x p/w etc) our DS does need attention and I am pretty much the only person looking after him.

Am I right to feel annoyed with the hypocrisy and like this is the first step to cheating? I am at the moment furious and need some rationalisation I think.

Or am I being insecure and need to focus on him a bit more?

I don't mind him having female friends, but he doesn't mention me in any messages, there's no suggestion of us meeting up all together so we can be couple mates so this all feels secret and like he's a massive hypocrite.

I would be careful with Google translate.
My husband is German too, and sometimes translation in Google is way off/misleading.

Original poster
Lili10 · 17/07/2024 03:43

I would be careful with Google translate.
My husband is German too, and sometimes translation in Google is way off/misleading.

I know what you mean, but I don't think it's the case in this instance. They're talking about "what if" we'd gone for dinner and do you think we'd have had sex, along with asking if he'll be going to nudist beaches on our holiday.

It's also not really what they're messaging about - though I do feel it's flirtatious (even in German). It's how he's behaving. He's hidden the messages from me in his archived chats. And if I was secretly messaging a boy, even in total innocence, he'd be very upset.

OP posts: