Husband secretly messaging friend

[Lili10]

Please tell me - AIBU

when we got together, almost 7 years ago, my husband was super insecure. He'd come out of a bad relationship and had trust issues so struggled A LOT with my male friends and me going out by myself. I took the approach of I loved him and wanted to help him gain confidence and so reassured him a lot, went out less and was very supportive / open about my male friends (there were not many and not close friends) but gradually these fell away and gradually I stopped going out without him.

My husband recently had a birthday. He showed me a message from a female friend but it was in German (his language) and told me it was just a general catch up message with happy birthday and, because he wanted to be open, there was nothing to worry about.

I thought that was all weird (too much reassurance when it wasn't needed) so a few weeks later I google translated the messages.

He'd messaged her talking about a what if moment about when they'd nearly gone out and imagine what would have happened and did she ever think about it. She messaged back saying stuff would definitely have happened. She asked if he'd be sunbathing nude on holiday etc

For context, they are both married with kids. our marriage is not going well. We have a 4 year old and he's not exactly enjoying family life (he doesn't do a lot with him) and is often complaining my main focus is our DS. Whilst I do try to give DH attention (date nights, sex 3x p/w etc) our DS does need attention and I am pretty much the only person looking after him.

Am I right to feel annoyed with the hypocrisy and like this is the first step to cheating? I am at the moment furious and need some rationalisation I think.

Or am I being insecure and need to focus on him a bit more?

I don't mind him having female friends, but he doesn't mention me in any messages, there's no suggestion of us meeting up all together so we can be couple mates so this all feels secret and like he's a massive hypocrite.

Gaslighting. Start living your life not his.

Make sure you have your own bank account.if out don't rust him now and it obvious he's even given good cause for that,sadly, you don't know what your future holds,someone else said control is insidious,so right.put all your love and time into your child,your hubby's insecurities leave them to him to sort out, and speaking to another woman in a foreign language ? Tells me he has something to hide, ok it's just talk for now, but he didn't need to contact her t all, he's married to you,and should be putting all he is,and all he has into your marriage.good luck.

You’re posting one someone else’s thread firstly and secondly, I have no idea what you’re trying to say due to all the errors. Sounds like you’re on drugs tbh

Thanks everyone for the responses. I am reading them all but can't reply to them all (on holiday and trying to read all this discretely) but I'm very grateful for the input.

I have been thinking about this constantly. I can't leave the country in the dead of night as I think that will damage my prospects with regards to DC and I'm not sure it is the best for DC as it will be a big shock. But I think some people have said I should not worry about DH approach to relationship re parenting and let him figure that out which I also think is true.

I think I need to work out how to go and get some legal advice before I do anything. I don't want to damage anything but I think I know it needs to end now or at some point in the foreseeable future.

Someone said that the messages are actually less important and I think that's true, but it has shown me some truths that I needed to see.

Being a grown up is really crap sometimes.X

@Lili10

If you don't want to do a 'midnight flit', then the next best thing would be to either plan a 'visit' home for you and DC then simply not return or have a family member invent some dire emergency that would require you (with DC) flying home in a hurry. Naturally, either one would depend on your husband not really caring if you went and took the DC with you. And I'm not advocating either. The decision is entirely up to you.

I think your first step would be to speak to a solicitor. In Germany to familiarize yourself with the ins and outs of child custody in general without specifically mentioning that you are planning to leave the country, in the UK to educate yourself as to how the courts feel about UK citizen children permanently returning to the UK with a parent.

Hague Convention can be confusing and different countries have different ways to determine 'habitual residence'. In the UK, you need to see a specialist attorney.

@Lili10 Are you back from holiday? How are you faring? Hope you are surviving.

Ynbu
Maybe he was insecure because of what he was doing?

This is how my EH's affair began. We're now divorced

Sorry, summer holidays were a lot to manage. I'm ok. Need to start making plans now that DC is back into school. I think I've been burying my head a little hoping it will fix itself. It hasn't... thanks for checking though.

A very brave and insightful post. I hope you can come home with your little boy and start over. You deserve so much better than this manipulative creep.

Just for those reading this in a similar situation, I have taken initial legal advice. They've said if I leave without permission, then it's classed as child abduction and I've have to do a lot to prove it was necessary.

So I am going to focus on trying to find a job in the UK and trigger conversations with H around moving back, rather than the messages.

Until formal proceedings or until I pay them 2,000 euros that I don't have , they can't advise about financials (my other big worry as I have nothing) but they say I would not be left with zero. I'd have to make a plan with him for child custody but I very much doubt he'd fight for 50% which makes the UK more possible. I'd also be more likely find work in the UK which would help the financial agreement in his favour.

As for the messages, he just said I'm being ridiculous and he's only hiding them because I am over reacting and doesn't want me to get upset over nothing. I keep an eye on them and they're still messaging, though he has cooled off his messages but she keeps messaging saying that she's thinking of him all the time. He's now deleted all of them. I think he was testing the water but that's already a big red flag, especially given how he'd react if the situation was reversed. If it's not her it's going to be someone else in the future, I know that.

So now I just have to see if I can find a job somewhere reasonable in the UK and then pluck up some courage.

You will feel so much better at home in the UK, speaking the language, and supporting yourself. Hopefully he will let you both go.

❤️

I know of someone who was found guilty of child abduction. Your approach much better. Finding the resolve and the determination will come naturally. Can you do any side hustles to hasten the 2000 euros? Anything from extra baby sitting, dog walking to something more career oriented? Does your DH have your location in his phone? He doesn’t need to know you are trying to squirrel funds.