Husband secretly messaging friend

[Lili10]

Please tell me - AIBU

when we got together, almost 7 years ago, my husband was super insecure. He'd come out of a bad relationship and had trust issues so struggled A LOT with my male friends and me going out by myself. I took the approach of I loved him and wanted to help him gain confidence and so reassured him a lot, went out less and was very supportive / open about my male friends (there were not many and not close friends) but gradually these fell away and gradually I stopped going out without him.

My husband recently had a birthday. He showed me a message from a female friend but it was in German (his language) and told me it was just a general catch up message with happy birthday and, because he wanted to be open, there was nothing to worry about.

I thought that was all weird (too much reassurance when it wasn't needed) so a few weeks later I google translated the messages.

He'd messaged her talking about a what if moment about when they'd nearly gone out and imagine what would have happened and did she ever think about it. She messaged back saying stuff would definitely have happened. She asked if he'd be sunbathing nude on holiday etc

For context, they are both married with kids. our marriage is not going well. We have a 4 year old and he's not exactly enjoying family life (he doesn't do a lot with him) and is often complaining my main focus is our DS. Whilst I do try to give DH attention (date nights, sex 3x p/w etc) our DS does need attention and I am pretty much the only person looking after him.

Am I right to feel annoyed with the hypocrisy and like this is the first step to cheating? I am at the moment furious and need some rationalisation I think.

Or am I being insecure and need to focus on him a bit more?

I don't mind him having female friends, but he doesn't mention me in any messages, there's no suggestion of us meeting up all together so we can be couple mates so this all feels secret and like he's a massive hypocrite.

There's no one more jealous and controlling that a cheater, they know how easy it is.

You know 100% that he has no problem lying and deceiving you to your face while painting himself out to be a saint. As if that wasn't bad enough he can't even be bothered with his son. Get all the support and advice you can.

He’s controlling and a hypocrite. He secretly sending messages like that and what else you don’t know about. He also sounds very selfish and childish.

Hes controlling which is a form of abuse and a gross cheat. Hes also neglecting his own child. Dump and run. No bloke is better than this one.

I think there all hypocrites my partner ahd relieved messages slagjng me off from my sons gf with I found strange slagjing em off lies ans deciet about me abusing my son horrible nasty things calling me a scrounger I came out qork theu ill health he's never supported me.financially at all he contacted a mate to doacuss our relationship I asked him to stop as I feared things may develop and hw carried on she wmet on to tell me he was messaging agen and obvs I ajd spurts he argued and bcloekd me wmet single on fb ignored me avoiding sex wtx treating me badly and asking me to move put I found a brolly in his car and Christmas just gone I found out he'd messaged back interesting messages wne my sons gf was forwarding screwnshots and why was she in contact on what'app I've ahd calls on qothwld numbers abuse from hikq en he wasnt free new yearsbeve and my bday sed he was working a so called mate rols me he was cheating ahd a hotel booked and cancelled it I don't know he'd denied kt but been abusive and added the fake od I don't know who's made it my sons gf or that mate that theb bcloed me and sent him old messages about a guy I used to see bfe him so he's abused mw for 4 years and accused mw of cheating I've helath pebbles periods stopped and now he's accusing em of being pregnant to someone else my sons gf was sensing abusive messages alst year he dismt defend me and allowed the messages to flow shw made a fake account twlijg hik I abused my son disnt care about gim manipulative texting 😢 and I feel so betrayed would anyone else ??? Please can anyone give me some feedback on this 🙏

I feel fed up b3cause I wmat answers he wnet polcie and tryed having me lcoekd up after 4 hrs of calling me yo yo knickers etx I lashed put and slapped him on the face I told polcie what I'd been thru constant calls on withwld numbers telling me.he was cheating etx and him messaging fake id he'd added I found a pcitkre of the fake id taken by a mobile device on his tablet I'm.confused to.qich both was causing ago and was hw involved qoth either or just being nasty

DS. Whilst I do try to give DH attention (date nights, sex 3x p/w etc)

Urgh. How utterly pathetic of him. I don’t know how you can even find him attractive when he doesn’t bother with his own child. HIS child. I’d be out of there.

Dein Mann ist ein Arschloch.

Come back to the UK on an extended visit to Mum. She'll understand once she knows.

Ich wůnsche dir alles Gute xxx

You sound lovely OP. Really lovely.

Start making enquiries about your options and remember that even if you feel everything is out of control, you do have control over your options and what you do next. Decisions don’t have to be made today, this week, this month, but just having a Plan B can make a huge difference to your mental state.

💐 for you.

Arschloch. Love this! Didn’t even need to look it up!

You deserve better than that

I could have written this post myself apart from the messaging of a female friend. I am married and have a 4 year old. Our marriage a few months ago was not going well, lots of rows etc and him doing very little parenting of our child. It resulted in a big row a few months ago and it turned out my DH was depressed for a few different reasons. He threatened to leave at that point. We have been working on things and it has improved vastly since he started on medication and therapy. Would it be possible your DH is going through something similar ? The texting of his friend may be a type of escapism for him from the drudgery of family life. From my experience a man not wanting to be involved with his own child may be a symptom of something deeper. It’s not your fault though. It’s his fault and he needs to work on it. Some difficult conversations may be needed at this point.

Leave him.

Get your life, freedom and friends back.

@Lili10 I won’t comment on the relationship aspect other than to say your DH sounds like a Twatwaffle!

But as someone who studied German for GCSE and A Level, I would say it is a very logical and structured language, so some brains and learning types do better than others. My one piece of advice is if you’re trying to maximise the vocabulary you know, make sure you learn the gender that goes with the noun; e.g. Der Tisch, Das Fenster, Die Schule. It honestly will make it so much easier when you come to more advanced grammar and how the gender changes in accusative/dative forms etc.

Op must add though that your husband does sound like a massive hypocrite and controlling which is concerning.

@DEE121 you need to start your own thread. Your posts are almost impossible to understand, and replies on this thread will be for the OP (original poster)

You know the answer OP. I have a few male friends, a couple of which I almost slept with / dated many many years ago. I would never in a thousand million years message them something like that, and would end the friendship at once if they tried to.

Why not just confront him in an assertive and confident way? It's your life and you shouldn't have to run away. Explain what you now know? Tell him how you feel and hopefully go to relationship counseling. With a child there's a lot of skin in the game. He sounds like a jerk but I reckon you should still do the grown up thing. Then you can at least know you've tried your best. Best of luck

I must be old-fashioned, but DH and I do not have friends of the opposite sex. We have colleagues and I have a gay friend, but we do not put temptation in our way deliberately. We never set this as a rule, but we were both brought traditionally - friendship, then courtship, then marriage, then children. You are not officially married, you are in the 'courtship' category - why put another woman/man into the mix? We are all weak creatures, why tempt fate?

I'm sorry, op. I'm also in Germany and know how isolating it can be. I can't imagine how I'd feel if my DH was also doing this behind my back.

Hi OP, I'm sorry that you are going through this. He has clearly knocked your confidence with you querying if you need to focus more on him ???? Sex 3x a week, you must be exhausted and caring for your son with little support from him. You describe your husband not enjoying family life, that is putting enormous pressure on you. I don't know what your future holds but you need to get talking to him. Otherwise, resentment will grow and you will be increasingly unhappy.
Take care

I just wanted to say totally different scenario (I couldn’t afford to live in my city anymore and I couldn’t afford to live where any of my family or friends lived) so I had to move to a town where I knew no one, just me and my (at the time) 3 year old twins. They’re now ten, I’m still single but as happy as can be, I have lots of lovely friends and a job I love. My kids are so happy. My mum moved to where I am because she loved it so much when she visited. Don’t let fear of the unknown/ no obvious location stop you from leaving him. Also, I know you say you want him to have a relationship with your DC. Don’t base your choices on that. I would literally walk on fire to be near my kids. He either will, or he won’t. Proximity shouldn’t come into it. Your DC will be happiest if you’re happy. Is there any point in staying in Germany for him to be a crappy part time dad? Look after yourself and don’t let him doubt yourself anymore xx

I'm glad you're not one of those women who see the whopping red flag (and then realise there are hundreds of little ones too) but ignore it because it's surrounded by yellow ones. You should never settle for less than you deserve, and you need your child to see how a healthy relationship works, and how an unhealthy one doesn't.
I promise you that things will get better, I can assure you of this cause I've been where you are. Thankfully all my friends were right where I left them and held me up when I felt like I was falling apart.
10 years on I'm in the healthiest and happiest relationship I've ever had, my son has the best father a boy could ask for - his bio dad decided being a father was too hard - and have a happy home full of laughter and love. X

Have you pointed out that were the situation reversed he would not be happy? He is a massive hypocrite

Why did you have children with this man knowing how insecure he is

This would be cheating in my book! Total red flag and disrespectful behaviour! Sex 3pw and date nights with a 4 year old is more than most manage and it should be a sign of a good healthy relationship but it doesn’t sound like it is, why is he not being a present dad? You’re doing everything on your own and being treated badly! Hope you are ok, I’ve been there when younger, if that happened to me in my 40s like we are, I’d be gone x