To think this is scandalous yet in plain sight because the patriarchy has no shame

[Webjisroommate]

A year ago I separated from my DD’s father and she was in the middle of her first year of nursery. He paid the cms amount every month, without fail. This was 360 a month, even though I was left to pay over 1,300 on nursery fees alone. Obviously the situation has now changed slightly with the hours but his 360 contribution is quite literally nowhere near half her costs. I have spoken about this with other mum friends and have learned that 360 is actually pretty fortunate! Some women are being paid less than 200 and others have to chase cms when their ex is self employed. I was not aware of any of this before having Dd.

My career is now hugely clipped as I am doing 95% of childcare while ex sees her a day a week… the day I use mostly to clean and get the house in order to start the week again. And yes, I suggested 50/50, he didn’t want that.

I honestly feel like this is a huge joke player on women in plain sight while nothing is actually done about it?! I also can’t fathom how HMRC can chase tax from the self employed but Cms can’t chase these men to pay for their children. It’s a disgrace. Why is this allowed to happen?!

That's just nonsense logic.

Just because one parent can manage without the other, it doesn't mean the other parent did nothing. I could manage without my wife, but I recognise that she does contribute to raising our kids.

The men on these threads are always the exception. Quite remarkable really.

In reality though, not only are they oblivious to the efforts of the primary parent, they often seem to need her to facilitate their attempt at trying/pretending to doing half.

Any dad who takes this personally, it's because deep down you know it's true.

I never called separated women bitches collectively. I said women who use their children to blackmail fathers and prevent/limit those children time with their dads to be nasty are bitches.
There are women who do this and they caused unnecessary stress not only to the children father, the wider family and the children themselves who are often dragged into the drama they create totally unnecessary as the fathers are financial and in person supporting the children

You must know some shit dads.

In my friendship group I think all the dads are easily capable of sole parenting. Once they're 2+ years old it really isn't that hard, is it?

(I will happily accept that we do earn substantially above the UK average and wouldn't have any trouble paying for wraparound care, weekly cleaners, etc.)

Under 2s is the easiest time! It might not be hard if you’ve got pots of money to throw around but it’s fucking hard if you don’t, and have no support network, or if you’ve got SEN kids or a teen with an ED. Hell, just the physical running round to get to and from work/school/clubs etc is hard! Doing it 24/7 with no respite, zero social life and no spare cash is exhausting and depressing. I honestly don’t know a man who could do it for a day.

"Capable of" absolutely, but actually doing half of everything? Nah. That's a rarity. And not just 2+ thanks, you can't wait until it gets easier to step up.
Like I said, men on here are always the exception for some reason.
Like I said as well, no need to take it personally if it really doesn't apply to you mate.

"I honestly don’t know a man who could do it for a day."

I'm doing it again on Thursday (boys aged 5 and 2) and I'm really not anticipating any problems because it really isn't very difficult. I'm certainly glad that my wife and I normally share the burden, but come on!

But you’re missing the point - you and your wife SHARE the burden so you’re not living that life. Do it on your own for twelve months and see if you’d find it as easy if hadn’t had a day off in a year.

Oooh one whole day. Wow.
Proving my point rather if you still don't get it.

One whole day as in - get up at 6am, feed and dress them, do all meals, all naps, all the housework, bath times and get them to sleep?

Or one day between 9-5?

Honestly my ex used to tell people we 'shared parenting' but in reality he had from 6pm Friday until 10am Sunday - I did EVERYTHING else - doctors apt, A+E visits, dentist, school runs, parents evenings, school performances, sorting out outfits for WBD, odd sock day, fucking whatever day, organised and paid for ALL after school care, nursery and holiday cover, school applications, settling in sessions, shopped, cooked, bathed, dressed them, did the laundry and worked

I mean 'one day' of playing Lego, going to the park and watching a bit of CBBC isn't really 'parenting' so I bet it's fun!

My sons Dad managed it ok

You said you didn't know a man that could do it for a day. Now you've moved the goalposts to a year.

"One whole day as in - get up at 6am, feed and dress them, do all meals, all naps, all the housework, bath times and get them to sleep?"

This.

Also the patriarchy: “Oh noes! Our capitalist ponzi scheme is failing because our population growth is falling. How can we force encourage women to punt out more future workers?”

Exactly. And it's not even that simple.

Who bought the clothes and made sure they were clean?
Who makes sure the shoes fit?
Who bought and filled the changing bag?
Who makes sure there's nappies/wipes/sudo in stock?
Who researched, bought and fitted the car seats?
Who stocks the fridge for the packed lunches?
Who plans the dinners?
Who keeps the bubble bath in stock and the towels dry?
Who changes the bedsheets?

Any idiot can look after kids for 12 hours, but how many dad are actually doing half of everything. He's doing in on Thursday, who did it today, yesterday, tomorrow? Or is only remarkable when he does it?

I don’t know you though. I said I don’t know a man who could do it for a day and I don't.

Even my own DB is bloody useless. He has his DC7 eow, but takes him to stay at our Mum’s. She runs round after him, cooks all his meals, takes him out, puts him to bed etc while DB goes to work then sits on his arse. He does nothing for him.

I don’t know your son’s dad.

Wow that martyr hat is a splendid fit on you.

As I pointed out my sons dad managed it for 10 bloody years. My own dad managed it for years also

Who bought the clothes and made sure they were clean?

Me.

Who makes sure the shoes fit?

Me.

Who bought and filled the changing bag?

My wife. She uses it daily.

Who makes sure there's nappies/wipes/sudo in stock?

Me.

Who researched, bought and fitted the car seats?

Me. My wife wouldn't have a clue.

Who stocks the fridge for the packed lunches?

We don't do packed lunches, but hardly tricky.

Who plans the dinners?

Me.

Who keeps the bubble bath in stock and the towels dry?

Me.

Who changes the bedsheets?

Me.

Yet another disclaimer is necessary apparently. If you/your dad/your DH are the exception, do not take it personally.
If you are a dad/second wife and you keep engaging, I am going to assume that actually I am right and you are lying to yourself.

Yes of course you do because your wife merely "contributes". Super dad. Gold medal.

"Yes of course you do because your wife merely "contributes". Super dad. Gold medal."

You seem bitter. Maybe you should try and choose a better partner next time around?

Men (as a group) often blame women for the failures of men. Just because NAMALT does not mean many men are competent and involved.

Well you keep responding, despite me repeatedly pointing out that I'm not talking about you or every single man ever... women are not "bitter" if they don't agree with you.
My DH is a wonderful spouse and provider, but he is very well aware that he, and most men, are not equal parents. You're not men any favours by ignoring what all women know is true - most men don't do anything close to 50/50. (If you do fine, but stop being so defensive)