To think this is scandalous yet in plain sight because the patriarchy has no shame

[Webjisroommate]

A year ago I separated from my DD’s father and she was in the middle of her first year of nursery. He paid the cms amount every month, without fail. This was 360 a month, even though I was left to pay over 1,300 on nursery fees alone. Obviously the situation has now changed slightly with the hours but his 360 contribution is quite literally nowhere near half her costs. I have spoken about this with other mum friends and have learned that 360 is actually pretty fortunate! Some women are being paid less than 200 and others have to chase cms when their ex is self employed. I was not aware of any of this before having Dd.

My career is now hugely clipped as I am doing 95% of childcare while ex sees her a day a week… the day I use mostly to clean and get the house in order to start the week again. And yes, I suggested 50/50, he didn’t want that.

I honestly feel like this is a huge joke player on women in plain sight while nothing is actually done about it?! I also can’t fathom how HMRC can chase tax from the self employed but Cms can’t chase these men to pay for their children. It’s a disgrace. Why is this allowed to happen?!

What if they went to mediation to sort custody out? I know that court is prohibitively expensive, which doesn't help. The op was actually about an absent father who was offered 50/50, but refused more than one visit a week.

Yes no guarantee you will be successful at court especially if the RP doesn't want to. Every penny you spend going to court is money you can't spend on your children. So not about not being bother to stump up cash it's about the RP shouldn't control every interaction or in our case say dad can have kids if he increases maintenance or jumps through every new hoop that they decide on a whim.
Kids deserve to spend time with both parents.

So while in op case dad doesn't bother with kids for every dad like that there is a mum being a birch and using her kids to manipulate the dad and withhold kids time with their dad

@Marblessolveeverything yes so women can negotiate a 50/50 spilt

If he hasn't even tried court, I don't want to hear it.
Ultimately, he pays half or does half. It's really not about what he thinks is fair. It's about the kid.
"Bitch" is horribly sexist language, please don't use that word to refer to women again.

So the alternative is having a child you can't afford and struggle to take care of 'properly'? MOST are planned ~85% - https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3898922/ so this comment applies exclusively to those people.

As I said, unpopular opinion. I don't get this mentality of "this is going to be the most important thing in the world to me. Its life and well-being are solely in my hands... but let's just wing it." Other posters have asked, does that mean only the rich should have children? People would slam a dog owner if they didn't have time to walk them or couldn't afford their food. Why are kids any different? "It's my right to have kids" - yes, but it's not like a car that you can sell in the event of a divorce because it's too expensive to run on one salary.

People often say that even if a man does not want a child, if he got a woman pregnant, he should still support that child because it's not the child's fault. That child exists, and there is a duty of care to it. Same thing. That child exists solely because of a decision made by its parents (for planned pregnancies). So in that case, I absolutely believe that before it happens there should be a pot of money, the integrity of which remains intact at all costs... even if the house is falling down around you and you are starving, it stays.

My ex gives me £800 a month and our kids are over 18. He is a very good man and still takes care of his family. I’m often raked over the coals on here for never paying on dates and holding men to a too high standard but it’s not me that’s ever had to worry about being financially abused. I’ve given up 20+ years of my life to take care of my kids and I’m now at a disadvantage in life. He recognises that and still supports me although I am doing an msc later this year and hopefully will be employed after that.

I guess what I’m saying is you’re right. Most men just fuck off and leave you to it because they are able to. They don’t see anything wrong with it. They need teaching how to bloody behave and how to stand up to your responsibilities.

Packed lunches - sure you probably had your nails/ hair done every 2nd day. Bought a brand new sports car and a pent house apartment all on 'his coin' 😏

Honestly the shite I used to hear fathers saying in the pub about the mothers of their children spending 'their' money on themselves instead of the DC used to make my blood boil. Luckily I haven't bothered with pubs much since covid because I don't think I'd keep my trap shut anymore.

Your son sounds like a good fella

It is terrible, men can just walk away with no consequences. My 'dad' left when I was a toddler. Cleared my mothers bank account, took all their furniture and their car! She had to track him down in order to get a divorce.

He had set up at the other side of the country with a woman who had a baby and promptly had 2 kids more with her. Before f*cking off again.

I didn't hear from him again until I was in my 20s

Really 100% of your income is spent on kids? So how the hell are you housing feeding and clothing yourself? Even if you had no kids you wouldnt live for free.

I spent 15plus years getting nowhere with a disinterest ex but I cannot in all honesty sat ALL my income was spent on kids. I also ate clothed myself etc

Did she get anything in the divorce?

Sounds like my dad - said mum could have the house if she ‘admitted adultery’ ( she was innocent he had been caught in his 3rd affair), took all the money, car and fucked off to Germany - turned out the mortgage hadn’t been paid for 6 months and they were about to take the house - my grandad paid the arrears thank god. I was 2 - I’m 54 and I have met him 3 times - he never paid a penny.

Have you applied for universal credit and 30 hours funding for working full time if you do?
Unless you are on an extremely high wage you'll be entitled to UC.

@Thewheelweavesasthewheelwills when you heard from him again, what did you do?

All your life efforts and energy are directed towards them. It's the same thing as actual money. Your every choice is conditioned by them. You cannot save anything, you can't plan properly for emergencies, you often can't get promoted at work or find a better job because ALL the strain is on your shoulders. What happens if a DC is ill? What happens if the mother is ill?

This is not to complain. We wanted the kids. But so did the other parent. The child maintenance situation is simply not fair as it stands.

@OceanStorm me 😂there was nothing they didn't own a house etc. My mother stayed living in the city we lived in at the time and sent me to live in her tiny rural home town with her parents. But she would visit twice a year and take me for a few weeks over Summer and Easter

@ghostyslovesheets what a prick! My parents divorced in the 90s IDK if you still needed someone to be at fault then.

@BlastedPimples I met up with him twice, once his step daughter was there and she made it sound like the sun and moon revolved around him. How he had been the best dad ever, taking them to Disney, always being their, etc it was really hard to listen to. After a few years of telephone calls I dropped all contact. It wasn't good for me. Like really wasn't good for me. I got no straight answers out of him. I don't actually think my mum was a complete 'innocent' in everything but the only question I asked and that he refused to answer was why did he leave me? I told him why him and my mother split up was none of my business but why he left me was, what had I done. He couldn't or wouldn't answer

I haven't spoken to him in about 5 years now. We live hours apart so it's not like I bump into him. I think one of the funniest things was he thought he would walk me down the aisle, I didn't invite him to my wedding!

If I’d only had myself to consider I could have bought a one bed flat instead of a three bed house. I wouldn’t have eaten toast for dinner every night so my children could have a proper meal. I didn’t go out for years, I’d rarely buy underwear and footwear, but most of my clothes were given to me by my (spendaholic) bf. I barely spent a penny on myself for years during the childcare years.

@Thewheelweavesasthewheelwills he thought he would walk you down the aisle? He really is completely unaware of the negative impact he has had on your life.

Dreadful.

Well done for cutting him out.

You probably have all the answers you need by now anyway. And now you make your own living, safe family.

NRPs don't have to worry about living in a good catchment or safe area. They don't need a decent sized garden, or even a bedroom for each child. They don't have to have a stash of snacks food constantly being replenished. They can work additional hours with no restrictions. When my kids do spend a rare week with their dad I spend about £25 quid on my food for the week, run the dishwasher and washing machine once only, use only minimal power. As I said upthread, if I ringfenced 15% of my income for the kids...even if I excluded my mortgage and utility costs from that, they'd run out of funds way before payday

It happens the over way around too. My SD lived with us full time after her mum decided to move abroad. She has not paid maintanace (or contributed ANYTHING to her daughters upbringing from early teenage years) even though she has a decent job and owns properties(abroad). When SD lived with her mum her dad paid regular maintanance (and more).

Surely women should pay less if they are doing more of the childcare?

But you still would spend SOME money if yourself Even if it was 10% you and 90% kids. Not 100 % kids. That's my point NOBODY spends 100% on kids. You'd still need to pay for the 1 bed flat and bills

I live in a bigger house than I'd need if there was just me (and the dogs) so mortgage and bills are obviously higher, and yes, basic cost of living for me and my kids takes up my entire salary. I get some money from my ex otherwise I wouldn't have money left for myself, or for things like taking the kids on holiday. Like I said, he's not stingy. Plus I get Child Benefit. But the amount I spend on my kids is easily my entire monthly salary.

Okay, it was obviously hyperbole. I didn’t starve or walk round naked for 15 years, but nor did I walk round in designer clothes or drive a new Audi like my Ex. 🙄

And in the real world many kids living with 2 parents dont live in " good catchment," areas. They don't all have gardens at all never mind a decent size or a bedroom each. Most of that is for middle class families

Pointless pedantry. Wasting energy squabbling about hyperbole when obviously the point is that mum doesn't have 85% of her money or time left for herself and dad does.