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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Crying in front of young children - yes or no?

101 replies

IndependenceDay · 14/07/2024 22:22

Tonight my DS3 and DS5 just would not go to bed. I'm a fairly big football fan and was excited for the game and I was up and down for the first hour - i probably saw 10 minutes out of 60 - they were screaming, one of them tipped his water all over the bed so i had to change it all, the younger one was begging me to stay in his room, crying & crying, every excuse to come downstairs.

My H has become a complete dickhead in the last 18 months. And basically watches me struggle time and time again. He doesn't even follow football and he sat on the sofa for an hour and wouldn't help. In the end - I said 'you have to go up there' and he did - both boys screamed saying they only wanted me - so he gave up after 2 mintues and came back downstairs. So i had to go back up there again. I

The older one has SEN, and the younger one is 3. It's a fucking lot sometimes.

Anyway - I've read all the books, i'm trying all the techniques, but somethign in me snapped tonight and i cried so hard on the bedroom floor it felt like i'd burst a vein. Like really bloody sobbing.

The boys stopped messign about - and the older one started saying how sorry he was, and how much he loved me.

It actually was effective in the sense it stopped, but i feel it scared them a bit.

Is it really shit to cry like that in front of such yougn children? It was effective but also probably horrible to witness. I didn't do it on purpose - god no - it felt primal to be honest. Like really losing my shit.

Is it pretty shitty parenting?

OP posts:

HTruffle · 14/07/2024 22:26

I really wouldn’t worry. It’s probably not a bad thing for them to realise you are a human being with feelings of your own! We’ve all been there. Just talk about it with them and explain you felt overwhelmed but it’s not their fault. It will help them realise emotions are normal.

SultanOfSwing · 14/07/2024 22:28

No, it isn’t shitty parenting. Helping your children understand that other people also have feelings - even parents - is important.

Probably not best to do it too often. They also need you to be strong and reliable.

And, finally, to get your priorities right. Your children pushed you hard tonight because they sensed that you were tense because you wanted to watch the game. That isn’t their fault.

Your DH is another issue…

Original poster

IndependenceDay · 14/07/2024 22:29

i was sobbing with no control.

and i heard the older one say 'DS we have been bad tonight and now mummy is very sad. we need to fix this' and they started bringing me random toys of theirs to make me stop crying

it was sweet but also making me feell v guilty!

OP posts:

LoopyLooooo · 14/07/2024 22:30

i cried so hard on the bedroom floor it felt like i'd burst a vein. Like really bloody sobbing.

Yes it's really shit to do this and as soon as you found yourself in tears, you should have left the room.

The reason it's shit is because it's your husband you're frustrated at, not the kids.

They're just being kids but your husband is being a totally unsupportive prick.

Except he won't remember this for the rest of his life, but they very probably will.

Original poster

IndependenceDay · 14/07/2024 22:31

@SultanOfSwing i wondered that? i never said to them 'i need to go and watch football' - but they were particularly challenging and the younger one felt geniunely panicked/upset. i was trying not to but maybe that could have been it.

OP posts:

wafflesmgee · 14/07/2024 22:31

We've all been there, don't beat yourself up about it. You are human and it's OK to show that their behaviour effects you sometimes, talk about it tomorrow but remember don't aim for perfect parenting aim for good enough parenting.
You could have totally lost it and screamed and screamed at them/hurt them. So of all the ways to "loose it", this was OK.

In future, watch the game at a friend's house instead and talk to your husband swperqtely about changing his passive role in this situation, he is being a total dick. Hopefully you crying will help him see that.
💐

WonderfulUsername · 14/07/2024 22:32

IndependenceDay · 14/07/2024 22:29

i was sobbing with no control.

and i heard the older one say 'DS we have been bad tonight and now mummy is very sad. we need to fix this' and they started bringing me random toys of theirs to make me stop crying

it was sweet but also making me feell v guilty!

You've mentioned twice that your sobbing on the floor was 'effective' but it was probably the trauma that made them stop misbehaving.

CobbldyCook · 14/07/2024 22:32

I think it’s good parenting, in that your demonstrating your humanity to them, making them see that their actions have consequences, and possibly also making them realise that as men they should aim to be better than their father appears to be. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. Lone caring for children is tough, but doing it when there’s another ostensibly capable parent there is just awful. You need to address this issue with your H asap.

Octonaut4Life · 14/07/2024 22:32

You've done nothing wrong, you're a human being and you got upset in a horrible situation. Your husband sounds awful and you need to have serious words.

Sunshineafterthehail · 14/07/2024 22:32

Every other night you need to leave the house and let dh do bedtime. Find a Costa or go park the car up /see a friend /walk the dog... You aren't a single dm. Stop acting like one. Time to get tough with him.

sishoes · 14/07/2024 22:34

What’s done is done. Once or twice won’t have a lasting impact OP and is just human, especially if you explain it to them after. Try and forget it.

If it’s all the time yes it’s poor emotional regulation on your part. Sure be upset over things they can relate to - ie, losing your favourite item, someone passing away, but being in that state because of overwhelm isn’t great all the time and if it’s all the time sooner or later the kids will internalise it and think it’s their fault, which it isn’t really.

Tryingtohelp12 · 14/07/2024 22:35

You weren’t crying to manipulate them - you were crying because you were sad / burnt out/ disappointed etc. actually I think it’s great that your children recognised this and showed empathy and wanted to fix it. I think as long as you don’t plan on making this your go to technique for getting them to behave it doesn’t hurt to see you cry - you’re not a robot!

wafflesmgee · 14/07/2024 22:35

As above, it's really not on if your husband doesn't care about the footy that he let you miss it all. This is bigger than you crying. How did your husband respond, out of interest? Did he apologise and help or make you feel bad for crying?

GrazingSheep · 14/07/2024 22:36

We've all been there, don't beat yourself up about it.

Speak for yourself. We have not all been there.

Revelatio · 14/07/2024 22:37

This would have been the perfect time for you to go to the pub and watch the match you so clearly wanted to see. Your husband is their parent, he needs to parent without you being there. Go out a few times a week, let him do bed time, don’t enable him to not be a parent.

Dryshampoofordays · 14/07/2024 22:38

You poor thing, what was your husbands response you being so distressed and overwhelmed? why do you have to keep trying for over an hour and he gets to give up in 2 minutes? that’s really unfair.

The kids will be fine, yes it will have scared them and it would be good to try and do some repairing tomorrow but you are only human and you are allowed to cry sometimes. I would bring it up with them in the morning and say something like “hey, do you remember last night mummy was crying? That must have been scary for you to see. It wasn’t your fault, I was just tired and upset. Next time I will make sure I take a break and some big breaths to stop myself from feeling so overwhelmed. I feel better today” (And I hope you do feel better tomorrow, too)

LoopyLooooo · 14/07/2024 22:38

GrazingSheep · 14/07/2024 22:36

We've all been there, don't beat yourself up about it.

Speak for yourself. We have not all been there.

This is the thing.

Posters seem to imagine the OP simply having a little cry in front of her 5 and 3 year olds.

But she's literally said she was 'sobbing out of control' and 'crying so hard on the bedroom floor, it felt like she'd burst a vein'.

This is not normal and the OP could have and definitely should have left the room.

Her husband is to blame for this, but it's the kids who took the brunt of it and must've been quite scared.

K37529 · 14/07/2024 22:39

I think it’s good for kids to know their mum is human. Everyone has their breaking point, you did nothing wrong. You need to have a serious conversation with your husband about his behaviour.

Original poster

IndependenceDay · 14/07/2024 22:40

Yes - it probably was effective but me crying like that was shock/scary for them. I'm pretty calm most of the time - supportive, help them through stuff. The older one has pretty challenging needs. I've done courses, read books - i'm trying so hard to get it right. and tonight i really didn't.

I did say to them that mummy was just feeling sad because i was tired and needed to go to sleep.

I just don't know how to get them to listen. i was crying through sheer exhausation of them being total chaos for hours and hours.

H - don't know if he knows i cried. he gets angry when i cry quite a lot of the time. i sorted myself out and went downstairs.

OP posts:

Copperoliverbear · 14/07/2024 22:41

Your husband is the problem, but you could have let them stay and watch the football too quietly and carried them to bed if they fell asleep. X

Gcsunnyside23 · 14/07/2024 22:41

You did nothing wrong, you're human and the kids learnt consequences of their actions to others. Your husband is a dick and you deserve better, you're clearly struggling and he's sitting on his hands

MintTwirl · 14/07/2024 22:41

I mean it’s not ideal, it’s ok to get upset but I would have left the room as it can be quite scary for young children to see the person they rely on so upset. However at one time or another I am sure every parent will do something less than ideal. So I would chalk it up to experience, maybe tomorrow apologise and reassure them, just something like mummy got very upset last night, I’m sorry, it wasn’t your fault, I love you both very much and then move on. Your husband is the one your are really angry and upset with.

Coffeeisnecessary · 14/07/2024 22:41

Many of us have been there and done this and the children are hopefully unscathed. Give yourself a break and also pat yourself on the back, your child recognised your emotions and tried to help, they have some good emotional intelligence which I'm sure has come from your parenting. Your husband however sounds like a waste of space.

Chatteringmagpie7 · 14/07/2024 22:41

LoopyLooooo · 14/07/2024 22:30

i cried so hard on the bedroom floor it felt like i'd burst a vein. Like really bloody sobbing.

Yes it's really shit to do this and as soon as you found yourself in tears, you should have left the room.

The reason it's shit is because it's your husband you're frustrated at, not the kids.

They're just being kids but your husband is being a totally unsupportive prick.

Except he won't remember this for the rest of his life, but they very probably will.

Bloody hell. What do you hope to achieve by writing this to someone who is clearly having a really hard time?

Young kids can drive anyone to the brink at times and SEN kids can be hugely demanding.

OP - please don’t be too hard yourself. We all lose our shit sometimes.

while I wouldn’t make a habit of it, it isn’t going to do them any long term harm to see you crying on the floor once.

as a pp had said - I think it’s healthy for kids to see their parents experience a range of emotions. It’s how you react that makes a difference.

I’d recommend the book ‘ the book I wish my parents had read’ . It has some great advice for how to deal with times when we ( inevitably) mess up as parents.

Original poster

IndependenceDay · 14/07/2024 22:44

i should have left the room you are right. the reason i describe it 'nearly burrsting a vein' - is because honestly - it was a very unfamiliar feeling for me - like one of total loss of control. only for 3 minutes but i wasn't thinkign straight at all. i wanted to just disappear or run out of the house or get away from all of them.

that's a horrible thing to admit but that's how it felt.

the boys getting me toys to make me stop crying broke me out of it pretty quickly and i did put in a lot of reassurance and recoverd very quickly. but i've shocked myself.

OP posts:

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