Crying in front of young children - yes or no?

[IndependenceDay]

Tonight my DS3 and DS5 just would not go to bed. I'm a fairly big football fan and was excited for the game and I was up and down for the first hour - i probably saw 10 minutes out of 60 - they were screaming, one of them tipped his water all over the bed so i had to change it all, the younger one was begging me to stay in his room, crying & crying, every excuse to come downstairs.

My H has become a complete dickhead in the last 18 months. And basically watches me struggle time and time again. He doesn't even follow football and he sat on the sofa for an hour and wouldn't help. In the end - I said 'you have to go up there' and he did - both boys screamed saying they only wanted me - so he gave up after 2 mintues and came back downstairs. So i had to go back up there again. I

The older one has SEN, and the younger one is 3. It's a fucking lot sometimes.

Anyway - I've read all the books, i'm trying all the techniques, but somethign in me snapped tonight and i cried so hard on the bedroom floor it felt like i'd burst a vein. Like really bloody sobbing.

The boys stopped messign about - and the older one started saying how sorry he was, and how much he loved me.

It actually was effective in the sense it stopped, but i feel it scared them a bit.

Is it really shit to cry like that in front of such yougn children? It was effective but also probably horrible to witness. I didn't do it on purpose - god no - it felt primal to be honest. Like really losing my shit.

Is it pretty shitty parenting?

Your little boy sounds really sweet! Your husband is a twat though.

Why the fuck are you making him a coffee? Why is he not helping?
Your DH is the biggest problem here.

I think it’s good and your kids are attuned which is great.

Oh OP. We’ve all been there. We can do our best most of the time but we do have our limits!

When it happens with me I feel really similar to you, the guilt eats at me. I can tell it scares my boys.
I’ve found it super helpful talking about it in the morning - ‘Mummy was a bit upset last night, I hope you know it wasn’t your fault. Mummy was just really, really tired - I love you very much’ etc.
Hopefully I won’t get flamed for that (my Mother tells me I’m far too soft) but I just feel better for sort of clearing the air. Lots of hugs later and it’s forgotten.

Totally agree with this! So many bloody holier than thou parents on here, who think they know it all, makes me cross! We're all human, and seeing their Mum cry shows them that Mum knows what it is to be upset too - if kids never cried, then it would be super scary, but they all do it. Give yourself a break OP, and that husband of yours a massive kick up the arse!

Crying isn’t an issue in itself. Expressing your emotions isn’t an issue. Crying hysterically in front of your children because you have no support with managing your children’s behaviour isn’t great, though. You don’t want your children to get the idea that they’re the problem. (I discovered at one point that my son thought I was in therapy because of him.) You need to try to make sure you’re better supported in future, whether that’s requiring your husband to parent or finding support elsewhere.

@WonderfulUsername an empathetic response to their mother crying is not "trauma"... it's actually a valuable life lesson in terms of them knowing it's okay to be upset

Is it pretty shitty parenting?

No! Even children should learn that everyone has their limits

It won't do them any harm to see you cry and they reacted appropriately my eldest would have still made demands or stood there rolling his eyes he really has no empathy

If it’s a one off it’s really not a big deal at all. Obviously it would’ve been a bit scary for a child to see their mum sobbing but they handled it really well and showed they’re clearly empathetic. I’d probably bring it up again at some point and explain that you were tired, upset etc and ask if they have any questions. If it happened again I’d leave to room and cool down. But I don’t think it’s a big deal at all.

My husband asks me if I want tea or coffee and then he makes us one.

Why tf doesn't your husband make himself and you a coffee?? Why are you making him coffees when he can see you're up to your eyeballs in screaming kids??

Please, for the love of God, say no to the man child

I'm fuming at your H for you. Do yourself a favour (and your kids who are getting the brunt of you being expected to do it all) and leave this selfish prick.

God love you OP, it sounds very hard.
Please take it as a warning of overload.
You need to mind yourself.
Something needs to give. Don't let it be your mental health.
Is your marriage over? Sounds like it.
Are you organising yourself?
Have you told family and friends how hard things are?
Stop doing ANYTHING for him.
I mean ANYTHING, laundry, food, shopping.
You need to take back control.
This is not a good man.
Shit husband, shit father.

The phrase "someone needs a hobby" springs to mind.

Your life would be far easier if you kicked that twat of a "husband" out.

You might not appreciate what a millstone around your neck he is until he's gone and you feel the relief of one less (massive) problem to deal with.

Your children would feel a different atmosphere too.

he gets angry when i cry quite a lot of the time

this isn't on OP. Your kids are watching him to set an example.

I chatted to kids about it again this morning - the older one said 'it was because we weren't listening to you' and i explained it wasn't their fault, they need to listen but mummy was just very tired and there is no need to worry. they both looked pretty bored with the conversation and went off to play!

H is off work this week. I got up with both kids at 7am & got them ready, breakfast etc. Also, did a school project with the older one this weekend. H just got up 2 minutes before school drop and announced 'i'm taking DS in' and off he went hand in hand, school project in hand, looking like dad of the frigging year - and DS so happy. I find it really frustratign as he doesn't do any hard stuff but always seeems to wake up or start paying attention just as the nice bits.

I have a child with ADHD and it’s relentless.

Lots of people on this forum understand that. Many others don’t.

it might help to speak to other parents with SEN kids. I found it helpful.

on that book, the main takeaway for me was that when you mess up, just say sorry and explain why you lost your temper/ shouted. It’s amazing how even very young kids pick up on it. And understand.

Hope you’re feeling better today

thank you @Chatteringmagpie7 i do feel better today in sense that no danger of any tears! but there is a knot in my stomach - just anxiety and stress i guess. i'm working from home and my H is off work, and the 3 year old is at home. and H is just on his phone while the 3 year wanders around looking for things to do. I'm watching from the small garden shed. i hate it so much!!

@Chatteringmagpie7 also - yes, the school do very occassional SEN coffee mornings which i've found so helpful.

I cry in front of my 3yo daughter sometimes, it's a normal human emotion, nothing wrong with that as long as it's not an extreme like sobbing all day long and unable to cope.

Did you tell them how much you wanted to watch the football? How disappointed you were that you were missing it and you wanted daddy to come and see them?

Sometimes I tell my daughter what I want and why, she is surprisingly receptive and it's a good lesson about how to vocalise your feelings and accept others feel differently to you

@LoopyLooooo

I couldn't disagree with you more, why on Earth do you think this?

Agreed. It was a shock that they needed. DC need to learn that they cannot push parents too far. They really do need to learn not to be selfish. Messing about constantly at bed time is not acceptable and I would be clear with them that you are not prepared to put up with it again.

With regards to the husband, as he’s clearly useless I would have let the Dc come downstairs after an hour and ruin his football viewing.

It won’t hurt your kids to see you cry sometimes. I had a bad period years ago when I’d split from their dad and was going through ptsd from a work situation (as a police officer, some traumatic stuff I witnessed) spent time crying and, I’m ashamed to say, shouted at them more than I should have. Things are completely fine now but I’ve carried some major guilt about it for years. My kids are very stable now and don’t seem to have suffered from it. Kids are generally resilient though and understanding. I think my point is that life is tough and we are only human, we do our best and sometimes don’t always act in the way we ‘should’. You have to be kinder to yourself.

@Maray1967 - I don't know what you mean by "I would be clear with them that you are not prepared to put up with it again".