Crying in front of young children - yes or no?

[IndependenceDay]

Tonight my DS3 and DS5 just would not go to bed. I'm a fairly big football fan and was excited for the game and I was up and down for the first hour - i probably saw 10 minutes out of 60 - they were screaming, one of them tipped his water all over the bed so i had to change it all, the younger one was begging me to stay in his room, crying & crying, every excuse to come downstairs.

My H has become a complete dickhead in the last 18 months. And basically watches me struggle time and time again. He doesn't even follow football and he sat on the sofa for an hour and wouldn't help. In the end - I said 'you have to go up there' and he did - both boys screamed saying they only wanted me - so he gave up after 2 mintues and came back downstairs. So i had to go back up there again. I

The older one has SEN, and the younger one is 3. It's a fucking lot sometimes.

Anyway - I've read all the books, i'm trying all the techniques, but somethign in me snapped tonight and i cried so hard on the bedroom floor it felt like i'd burst a vein. Like really bloody sobbing.

The boys stopped messign about - and the older one started saying how sorry he was, and how much he loved me.

It actually was effective in the sense it stopped, but i feel it scared them a bit.

Is it really shit to cry like that in front of such yougn children? It was effective but also probably horrible to witness. I didn't do it on purpose - god no - it felt primal to be honest. Like really losing my shit.

Is it pretty shitty parenting?

Trauma my arse. People need to learn the meaning of the word trauma

i don't think my 5 year old has watched anything quietly in his life. that sounds lovely. but he is very challenging at times and couldn't want football for 9 minutes let alone 90.

This is absolutely ridiculous. OPs children will not be traumatised because they have seen her cry once, after dicking her around for ages. It is a natural human response, and it is okay that they have seen it.

As it has been said, if it was regular then it wouldn't be ideal, but as it stands, it is absurd to call it 'trauma'.

thanks @Chatteringmagpie7 i have read a bit of that book and it's somewhere in the house. i'll dig it out and have a re-read. i think it's the older one with SEN, and then the younger one copies, and sometimes it feels like i'm losing any sense of control whatsoever. they're jumping on the bed and i'm saying 'stop, stop boys' and i might as well be talking another language. and if i get firm, the older one can get very upset very quickly - and i've just trying to avoid meltdowns. i dunno. it's bloody hard.

It was a one off so don’t beat yourself up about it OP. I wouldn’t make a habit of it though and next time you feel the same try and go outside to sit in the car or something until you gather your thoughts etc. Your DP sounds bludy awful you poor thing!

I echoe here that your husband is the problem.
You really need to have a serious chat about his incompetence. And getting angry with you for crying!!!? I’m so sorry op, do you have any other support. Don’t feel bad for crying one bit - you’re human, the children need to know that! Huge hugs

It probably did scare them a bit but it was a one off moment of feeling overwhelmed so I wouldn't worry, I think most parents have felt like this occasionally. The real problem sounds like your husband being a dickhead and not pulling his weight 🙁

I’m so sorry. Don’t feel too bad. They don’t live in a magical world where no one ever cries, they live in the real world where people who are under great stress react accordingly. They will learn from it and so will you. Talk to your DH.

i take all your points about H. i have the same guilt that really the tears are about him and feeling so alone with it all. but that's another thread! i just want to work out how to appraoch the crying thing with my kids and reassure them that i'm still reliable loving mum - not a mess!

You cried for 3 minutes, responded when they tried to cheer you up then told them you got upset was because you were tired - that's really not so bad! They may have felt that they made you sad, but they can also see that they made you better (you can remind them of that tomorrow!). You have shown them that it's ok to cry sometimes which is not a bad thing (as long as you aren't doing it loads which it sounds like you aren't)

I think you know it’s a no, it’s not what you would have chosen to do if you had control. But we do all lose control as parents now and again, perhaps not exactly in this way but in some way or another. And all of these incidents impact our kids. My mum was a crier, OP, I saw her cry a lot during my childhood and it did impact me. I’d rather die than cry in front of her now! I love her but I felt and often still do feel responsible for her emotions. I never felt that she could hold my emotions and generally had to deal with them myself or rely on other people. This has reached into my adult life in ways you can imagine. I’m saying this because if this behaviour happened repeatedly - definitely can cause harm. A rare event in their lives? Yes could show you are human and have a limit. In future though like pps have said, I’d leave if you get to that state.

If has never crossed my mind that it would be bad for my kids to see me cry.

Kids know how to push out buttons.

It's healthy for kids to see the full spectrum
of emotions so that they don't think they're going crazy when they experience them for themselves.

OP you’re not a robot. It won’t have emotionally scarred them for life but shown them that mummy can get upset too.

Jesus I’ve been through a divorce and setting up a business during covid. It was a fucking wretched time and I was unhinged and crying for most of it.

Your boys sound loving 💗

Dont beat yourself up with mum guilt

It's not shitty parenting.

You are human.

I've done similar. The proper sobbing. And they reacted much have yours have done.

Here's the thing though - the next time I was really, really struggling, I just let go. I didn't hold back the tears. I'd cried once, so I cried again. And it didn't work as well. The shock factor had gone. Think I did it once or twice more over the years, and it stopped the bad behaviour less and less.

A valuable insight into behaviour. I had effectively developed a learned behaviour. Like toddlers when they realise tantruming gets them what they want.

Obviously I'd never intended to cry in front of them as a regular thing, and I haven't since those handful of times, but it was interesting to see how quickly the shock factor wore off and how quickly they seemed to get immune to it.

Anyway, that was a bit of a tangent.

All that to say, it was not bad parenting. You sound drained and frustrated and we all do. Don't worry about it.

Thanks for the reassurance. But I do understand why some people think it is pretty difficult for kids to see their mum that upset and acting out of charscter. They were definitely worried by it.

@Beginningless sorry you had that experience. My parents weren't criers but they did both have horrendous tempers and sulked, and I remember feeling responsibility.

I guess you want kids to see you're human but 5 and 3 year kids don't need to see the extreme end of that!

For the love of god! Don't listen to anyone telling you this is shitty of you. Just lose the guilt. Your kids were being an absolute pain in the arse. Your husband is an absolute limp tool.
You have earned the right to cry on the floor!
Kids are getting battered and chained to their beds. You're a loving mum who is overwhelmed.
Having a SEN child is ten times harder for many of us. We will be on our knees more often than most.
Can you just find a way to make your husband take responsibility for bed time even if the kids cry.
Can you tell them this is how it's going to be. Dad is doing it on these nights and it's not up for discussion. They'll stop crying for you when they know you won't back down. And don't back down. They won't die from it. And neither will the tool of a husband. You need help and a break. Don't ever beat yourself up over this ❤️

"And, finally, to get your priorities right. Your children pushed you hard tonight because they sensed that you were tense because you wanted to watch the game. That isn’t their fault."

@SultanOfSwing See, I'm not sure I agree with this bit.

Mothers do so, so much for their kids.

If something is as important to a mum as the euros final, which is 90minutes, when the kids should be in bed asleep, I don't think it's right that they should push her hard tonight to stop her doing the thing she wants to do.

I don't think it's a nice behaviour.

My kids do it as well. But I don't like it.

They often "test" me with little things like that. If they see something is important to me, they will construct some little test to see if they are more important to me, with their objective being me missing out on the thing that I want. It could be something as simple as a cake I've had my eye on, or a tv show, anything.

I've constructed my life around my kids. I work part time and term time (also some evenings doing data input work at home while they are asleep, for extra money). Everything revolves around them, they have a good life and I love them unconditionally.

So I think it's not nice behaviour when they "push me" extra hard when they see that something is important to me.

I think the OP should have been able to watch the euros and it's a shame she couldn't.

They are young though. And it's just unfortunate.

I cry in front of mine
Regularly, I'm grieving deeply and it's painful. They need to know I have emotions too and I'm teaching them
Empathy. It's life, I hope you feel a little better after releasing those pent up emotions
As for your husband he sounds like a real POS, you'd feel a lot lighter if you dropped him I'd imagine x

You're not alone in reaching your limit.

Try not to worry anymore about it tonight. Tomorrow is a new day and a chance to discuss that even grown ups have big feelings too sometimes that they don't know how to deal with & that it's okay. It's okay to say sorry for scaring them, the same as you would if you'd lost your temper & shouted.

Parenting is hard & we're all just doing our best. Your best may look different to others but they aren't parenting your children, they aren't living your life. You do what works for you. Please don't beat yourself up for making a mistake.

Bloody hell op, you need to be kinder to yourself.
It won't hirt any of the males in your house to see their behaviour affects people - your dh sounds awful and is tje one l would be concentrating on

ive done it once or twice. Mine are 5 and 6.

It’s okay for them to see that you are human with emotions. As longs as it’s not happening all the time I don’t think it’s a problem.

Don't feel guilty. You have smart kids there. Their behaviour was bad, they spoilt your evening, and chances are, they will remember this and won't do it again.

You point out I'm in an all male house. And yes when my 5 year old boy is breaking his toys because I used the wrong plate, the 3 year old boy is crying to be picked up, and the 42 year old man is asking me to make him a coffee, all at the same time....I wonder where my feminism has fucking got me!!

@IndependenceDay next time there's a football match, go out and leave husband to it. Watch it somewhere else.

You're a lovely mum.

Well lucky you. Many of us have especially those with SN kids.