Crying in front of young children - yes or no?

[IndependenceDay]

Tonight my DS3 and DS5 just would not go to bed. I'm a fairly big football fan and was excited for the game and I was up and down for the first hour - i probably saw 10 minutes out of 60 - they were screaming, one of them tipped his water all over the bed so i had to change it all, the younger one was begging me to stay in his room, crying & crying, every excuse to come downstairs.

My H has become a complete dickhead in the last 18 months. And basically watches me struggle time and time again. He doesn't even follow football and he sat on the sofa for an hour and wouldn't help. In the end - I said 'you have to go up there' and he did - both boys screamed saying they only wanted me - so he gave up after 2 mintues and came back downstairs. So i had to go back up there again. I

The older one has SEN, and the younger one is 3. It's a fucking lot sometimes.

Anyway - I've read all the books, i'm trying all the techniques, but somethign in me snapped tonight and i cried so hard on the bedroom floor it felt like i'd burst a vein. Like really bloody sobbing.

The boys stopped messign about - and the older one started saying how sorry he was, and how much he loved me.

It actually was effective in the sense it stopped, but i feel it scared them a bit.

Is it really shit to cry like that in front of such yougn children? It was effective but also probably horrible to witness. I didn't do it on purpose - god no - it felt primal to be honest. Like really losing my shit.

Is it pretty shitty parenting?

A five year old is old enough to know not to mess about and what the consequences will be.

I didn’t let DC hold me to ransom. You can explain that mummy is tired and needs to rest. I can sit in their room quietly for a bit to help them nod off - but not if they keep getting up and messing about. At that point I’m out of there and DH deals with them, football or no football.

When mine did this I was stupid enough to put up with it for a while - but then I got my head into gear and sleep trained, super nanny style. Took one tough night, then a couple of ok ones - and we were done. No more messing about.

Your husband sounds like an absolute prick.

You’re human.

How are kids ever supposed to understand emotions and understand it’s ok to have them if they only ever read about them in books.

Its not trauma it’s life.

Youre teaching your kids how to comfort someone when they’re upset and help them - it’s a life skill not a trauma like PP say.

OP you say your 'H' is off work this week, when are you going to have this out with him? You are going to continue feeling miserable if you don't tell him that his behaviour is totally unacceptable, you are clearly feeling resentful of him taking on the 'nice' bits of parenting, so tell him to get his act together and do his FAIR share of parenting, not just the nice/fun bits!

@GoneFishingToday honestly - i don't have the energy. i have tried so many times and it just results in an argument, days of horrible atmosphere, then make-up and make to normal. i cannot find it in me to talk to him about it all all. he is already defensive - i just went to make myself a tea and DS was in the garden and H said randomly 'i am playing with DS you know'. It's already tense. I don't have it in me for an argument.

No, her kids are to blame. I'm so sick of seeing mums being blamed for just being human.

Yes the husband should have helped more, that's a different matter, but that wouldn't have necessarily helped her feel better, especially if they were still being naughty. Even if he helped and they still played up, she still may have got upset.

Your kids were naughty, winding you up, pushed you to your limit and you broke down. Don't feel bad, hopefully they learn their bad behaviour has consequences and can be upsetting for people.

I don't mean to sound nasty against your kids, they're just kids! But they need to learn to behave, so seeing how their behaviour effects others isn't a bad thing.

Sorry I know I'm in a minority with this thinking, I just hate that people are trying to make you feel bad here or just saying your husband is the problem. He didn't cause them to play up for an hour they did that themselves.

Some people's responses are unnecessarily cruel, you already feel bad, no need to make it worse.
it won't scar them for life, but yeah obviously try not to let it happen again. You really need to speak to your partner hes the only one at fault here

Yes. We need to stop emotionally grey rocking children by showing nothing bar neutral or happy emotions. It’s really unhealthy. Especially toddlers are programmed to read facial expressions as they don’t have developed language. They rely on it and we’re blocking it.

I was going to say this!

How will your children learn how to cope with emotion if you don’t show them? Sometimes, having a good cry is what is needed. Probably stops people from getting really angry instead. We shouldn’t be so shy of showing emotion in this culture!

I also don’t agree with all this ‘next time you should leave the room and cry in private’ stuff either.
Not a good example to set, in my opinion.
It’s ok to feel emotional, emotions are never wrong - only how you deal with them

Congratulations on being a better parent than the rest of us. Is that what you wanted?

I do think there is something to be said for showing DC emotion. But getting annoyed or even a bit tearful is one thing, sobbing on the floor in a huddle is probably not. It really felt grim tbh and they were worried. I did sort myself out v quickly

@IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine
Meaningless platitudes aren’t going to help the op. Pretending that everyone breaks down in a sobbing hysterical mess in front of their 3 and 5 year old children achieves nothing.

It's not good or bad parenting. It wasn't a technique you implemented to manipulate them.

You're a human being, you cried. They're old enough to understand that their behaviour makes people feel a certain way. They'll have made other children cry at some point or another.

I mean, I agree with others that yes you probably should have left the room if you were that uncontrollably upset but I also think there's no benefit to ruminating on this either. I'd address it with the boys though. Make sure they know it wasn't their fault and repeat an explanation as many times as you need to until they understand. I'd also be trying to affirm them as much as possible. I can remember my own mum breaking down like that numerous times as a child and yes it was scary and very upsetting, but mainly because I didn't understand and because it was never spoken about again so I was left to fill in my own blanks.

You aren't the problem here and neither is your parenting. Your lack of support and your partners lack of stepping up is the problem and you are just a human who hit a breaking point. To be honest, if this were me it would be a game changer. I'd be sitting dh down and saying exactly what happened and that you need him to step up on xyz ways and you want to go to couples counselling to try to find a better balance in your relationship. If he can't do that then tbh op I'd be asking him to stay elsewhere. You need to have time for yourself each week where he is responsible for everything and you can go out. He needs to find his own strategy to parent the kids so they can settle with him. You can support him, but he needs to figure this out.

Yes, and sometimes we deal with emotions by stepping away from the situation we aren't coping with. That is a healthy boundary. It's healthy to say mummy needs a minute because she's having some big feelings and she needs to let her brain catch up.

I did that once when the DS's were newborn and 4 and it was awful.

Really sobbing and DS1 thought I was laughing and started laughing and I had to say I'm not laughing, I am crying.

He then went to get a bottle of milk to try and feed DS2. It is one of my most painful memories.

However they are now grown and probably don't remember it and don't seem damaged by it.

Give yourself a break @IndependenceDay and try not to feel guilty. At least they now know you are human

The crying is understandable. You were at your wit's end.

What concerns me is your husband's strategic incompetence in dealing with the children. That shit needs to be nipped in the bud. Giving up after two minutes is entirely unacceptable. Kids are always saying they want the other parent to parent them.

@DadJoke you know what? It's not even just strategic incompetence. It's knowing my H doesn't care if I'm struggling. If I'm working late and H has to look after them alone - he will do it. But if he can get away with doing nothing - he will do. The tears weren't because of the kids - they were because I knew if I walked downstairs and asked for help or started crying he would be dismissive or even cruel.

It's not about him just not helping, it feels like he doesn't care about me.

I mean - the kids messing about was what triggered the tears sure. But the sobbing was because I felt utterly alone. That was what was in my head - I do everything yet I'm unloved.

There’s zero correlation between how much you do in terms of childcare, domestic gruntwork, housework, cooking etc, and ‘how much you’re loved, though. If you’re thinking ‘if I do everything with my children and DH, then I’ll have earned love’, then you’re on a highway to nowhere, plus your DH is proof of how it doesn’t work. I think this is a situation where you need to prioritise your own well-being now.

That's bloody awful - I am so sorry to hear that. I think he needs a rocket up his arse, and some couples therapy. People can change, but it often takes something extreme.

To some extent your power to do anything about this depends on your financial situation. I'd always recommend to any women (or sometimes men) in this situation to make a plan, with financial backup to get out if you need to. Then, at least, you have a real choice when confronting the issue.

Anyway. all strength to you.

And do you honestly think your comment DID help the OP?

@IndependenceDay Sounds really tough

My tip would be, instead of telling DC to stop doing something, focus on what you do want them to do

For 2 reasons (1) it's clearer instruction and (2) easier to praise than criticise

eg "Stop jumping on the bed" is unclear. And it's clumsy to say "well done for stopping..."

Better to say "I want you to lie down quietly". And "well done for being quiet" means they know exactly what you want them to do

Hope this helps a little

We've all been there!! You're not a bad Mum x