25 year old making his own tea

[Illogicalgeological]

Am I being unreasonable in thinking it’s annoying me that our 25 year old son, who lives with us, sits there like a baby bird at mealtimes waiting to be fed. I don’t mind if I’m doing a roast or something like a lasagne or shepherd’s pie, but some meals are for two, one and husband. I never know whether he’s going to be in for tea or not. I just think as a fully functioning surely he should be thinking himself about what he wants for tea and how it’s going to appear in front of him whilst he sits in his bedroom. He’s recently moved back in with us.

Yes I know I can have a conversation with him and set some boundaries around expectations but I just wanted to first gauge whether I’m being unreasonable before I go in all guns blazing.

I think if you’re feeding him sometimes and not others, how is he supposed to know whether there’s dinner for him or not? You need to set some sort of rota / schedule or something. Maybe he could cook for all of you some nights too.

Talk to him. If you don't want to cook for him tell him.

But if he doesn’t know what the deal is then I don’t think you can really criticise. Decide what you’re happy with and let him know.

Don't need to be all guns blazing.

Dc I'm really tired of doing all the cooking and I'm never sure when you are in. Moving forward would you plan and make your own meals.

Why would you go in all guns blazing when it is you who hasn’t set the boundaries?

my 16 year old knows if she doesn’t tell me she’s home for dinner then she gets her own, it’s as hard as you want to make it.

It’s a turn of phrase 🙄

You have the conversation and ask him if he wants to pay £x more for catered house keeping, make sure it's enough to cover your time and food so that you aren't resentful, or whether he prefers to pay £x for self-catering, get a separate fridge/freezer for his food and that you expect him to be finished in the kitchen by 9pm and to keep it tidy

He should be cooking for everyone at least two nights a week.

Get a rota in place.

Tell him you need to know that he's going to be in for dinner, otherwise you will be cooking for 2 not 3. Also tell him that if he's going to expect to be cooked for, he has to take his turn at cooking sometimes too. He's an adult fgs! My 16yo and 18yo each cook once a week. A 25yo should be able to manage it!

Yes but it would mean you were angrily and quite argumentatively asking him to let you know when he will be having dinner with you, which seems a bit OTT.

It's really not necessary to get so worked up about something that can be easily dealt with. Tell your son that if he is planning on joining you for dinner, he needs to let you know by X time. If he doesn't, he's on his own. He should also be expected to cook occasionally and to buy food for himself and for the household if he frequently eats food you buy.

You don’t have to go in all guns blazing at all. Tell him it’s not a hotel, (he’s a man and at 25 presumably he knows how to cook) so you could agree that he’s cooking dinner for everyone 1 or 2 nights a week. Plus can he tell you if he’s going out or going to be late/sorting himself out.

You need to have a conversation with him about your expectations/ his expectations so everyone is on the same page.

You need to communicate with each other.

My son moved out at 22 and sometimes I'd include him in meal plans; sometimes I wouldn't and he cooked for himself. Sometimes, he'd cook for all of us.

My daughter is 18 and it's now similar with her.

But we communicate so that we both know what the other's plans are.

You need to do the same.

You don't have to go in all guns blazing, you just need have to have a conversation about it.

Ask him "do you want me to cook an evening meal most nights or would you prefer to sort yourself out?"

Of course you need to 'have a conversation with him and set some boundaries around expectations', but I'm not surprised you're a bit annoyed you need to, that he's returned home apparently reverting to childish behaviour just assuming you'll feed him rather than behaving as an adult.

When my adult DD lived with me we treated it like a house share and would have clear rules/expectations. Just sort it out.

I’m aware of that. Maybe talk to your son instead of trying to pick someone up on what they’ve responded to you?

Im also not the only one who has said there’s no need to go in all guns blazing, pretty sure they also know it’s a turn of phrase, or for your own drama.

YABU.

It would be fine if you had an agreed set-up where you all eat one meal together Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday, but cook separately on other days. It doesn't sound like you have that. Therefore it's very odd for you to make some meals just for yourself and your husband.

Ask him "do you want me to cook an evening meal most nights or would you prefer to sort yourself out?"

Er, only if the OP is actually ok with cooking him most nights, sounds to me like she'd rather do a 'family meal' a couple of times a week.

Him not letting her know if he's going to be in or not just assuming he'll be fed is bad manners, to say the least.

A turn of phrase still expresses a specific meaning

Decide what you’d prefer to happen and then let him know. I should think he just assumes things are how they were when he was growing up. It’s true he could have asked or offered to cook etc. I personally wouldn't much like the idea of cooking for just me and DH and then DS just cooking for himself, too much like a shared student house approach. But, DS cooking for all of us appeals.

Tea is discussed every morning our house, dd21 and ds19 get told it's either something im making a load of pasta, curry etc or it's fend for yourself, where they are welcome to have anything in the house or as they both earn they can get themselves something.

There's no drama about it.

How hard is it to make enough for three and keep one portion aside? I have never not cooked enough for my children - never mind how old they are. Is it your step son?

No one but you can know what you find annoying and what behaviour you find acceptable. Decide whether you want to cook for him or whether you want him to cook for you. Decide who’s buying the food and who’s doing the washing up. Then let him know (without any guns blazing). It’s your house. You set the rules.