25 year old making his own tea

[Illogicalgeological]

Am I being unreasonable in thinking it’s annoying me that our 25 year old son, who lives with us, sits there like a baby bird at mealtimes waiting to be fed. I don’t mind if I’m doing a roast or something like a lasagne or shepherd’s pie, but some meals are for two, one and husband. I never know whether he’s going to be in for tea or not. I just think as a fully functioning surely he should be thinking himself about what he wants for tea and how it’s going to appear in front of him whilst he sits in his bedroom. He’s recently moved back in with us.

Yes I know I can have a conversation with him and set some boundaries around expectations but I just wanted to first gauge whether I’m being unreasonable before I go in all guns blazing.

Once my kids were of a certain age, I made a clear announcement, my shift in the kitchen was O-V-E-R.

If you want to eat, fend for yourself, tidy up, and if you leave the kitchen any less than the way you found it, there will be serious trouble. Like Maximus Murillius Commander Of The Armies To The North Gladiator trouble.

At 25 I was out from underneath my mother's skirt for three years. No I'm not a "Boomer".
I would heartily recommend the same for your son.

A poor choice of words on my part. We have a good close relationship so broaching it shouldn’t be difficult, it’s just whether im being reasonable or not.

Did you teach him basic life skills like cooking, cleaning, laundry etc ? If so then he makes dinner for everyone on his night, has the courtesy to let you know when he'll be in for dinner and he'll help keep the place clean.

No he’s our son.

I think you are massively overthinking this.

Have you had a conversation with him about it?

Just say, I feel like I'm being tied to the kitchen and don't want to cook every night. I'll The text you if I'm making enough for 3 and keep a portion for you in the fridge. You'll need to fend for yourself from now on.

Yes at 25 he can make his own food or at least ask if there will be anything for him.

Either tell him to check with you each day or just make his own. A quick conversation and it's done.

I moved back in with my mum at a similar age. We had some teething problems around this issue.

What worked for us (partly because we had a reasonably regular schedule each week) was agreeing mum cooks these two nights, I cook those two nights, we eat separately the other two nights (we like some different things!), and we discuss Sunday plans each week.

One thing we learned was helpful was to agree a time by which food would be ready. Until we did that there was sometimes frustration when the cook was late, but planning a meal, the other person assumed no food was being prepared and did their own thing, then the cook felt unappreciated.

You know how regular/flexible you need to be to fit in with your lifestyles, but you definitely need to sit down and talk about it, and not at a time when any of you are hungry/cross

I wouldn't go in "all guns blazing" as you put it OP, because I assume you have brought him up to be like this. So have a conversation about it. Think about what you want to achieve first.

If he eats with you 7 days a week and you cook for everyone then he should take a turn twice a week to cook. That works well for us - we all take 2 turns each in the week and 1 night will have leftover/pizza or whatever. He should also left you know the night before if he is going to be wanting dinner the next evening or not. So for example on the 2 nights I cook my DH and DS clear up, and so on. That way no one has the heavy load. It doesn't have to be a fancy meal, I don't mind what DH or DS cook, just as long as it's a decent meal.

A lot of things come in twos. And it's wasteful to make 3 portions if only two are required.

This. Also I wouldn’t dream of just cooking for me and my oh and leaving my children out, no matter what age they are. How utterly miserly. If I’m making dinner then everyone in the house gets fed. Though that works for everyone, if even my 13yo is sticking some tuna and sweetcorn pasta or something on, then she will check with the whole house from the adults to the younger siblings if they want any. I don’t get the ‘some meals are for 2’ bit? Surely just buy more? If it’s a money issue then I’d just say ‘you need to give me x amount towards dinners this week for your portion’.

This man sounds very entitled. Who the hell raised him?

When my husband and I moved back into my parents house while we were saving for a deposit recently, we just had communication about meal times. Sometimes my mum would say that she was cooking XYZ and ask if we wanted some too. Other times we wanted to cook and we’d cook for everyone. IDK, just better communication needed I think. It also depends on how much you did when your child was younger too. Did you always cook every meal? If so, sorry but you made a rod for your own back.

I just ask my ds if he’s going to be in and wants dinner, and / or he tells me his plans. End of story.

He just needs to tell you 24 hours in advance if he wants to eat with you. No meal with no confirmation. He will quickly learn

What's your reason for not cooking enough for three?

He should be contributing but IMO it seems really petty to only cook enough for you and your husband.

It's not really much extra work to cook 3 portions rather than 2, but he should let you know if he'll be there in good time.

I'd do joint meals with him taking turns personally. That's if you judge him capable of that.

I don’t really get the argument that it’s mean or stingy not to cook for every member of the household every night rather than establishing in advance whether they’ll be in or not. Given that you could save money on food shopping, save a bit of time on preparing it and probably save the excess food from being wastefully chucked away.

I have a 19 yo son who lives with us, and we never know if he's in for tea or not, so I agree it's annoying.

I've adopted a system where I tend to text him about 4.30pm to say, 'Do you want tea tonight?' and if I get no answer in the next hour I don't include him when I start cooking and he'll have to fix his own or get a takeaway.

When I was about that age, me and XH moved into my parents house. DB hadn’t moved out yet. We all had an in/out list for dinner and every adult in the house had to cook at least one dinner a week. Sunday roast we all helped peel etc.

But setting that up required an adult conversation about sharing the load.

Another reason why once you get to your mid 20s living at home with Mummy and Daddy doesn’t work.

If I'm cooking at home, I cook enough for everyone who lives at home. Just talk to him, my 21 year old when he cooks a dinner will cook enough for our whole family, I wouldn't think to just cook 'for one of us' or just my husband and I, even if they weren't home I would just leave them leftovers.

Yeah I mean I’m going to say it; there’s a housing crisis and a cost of living crisis. If my son ever needed to come home, I’ll take him in with open arms. It’s tough out there.