25 year old making his own tea

[Illogicalgeological]

Am I being unreasonable in thinking it’s annoying me that our 25 year old son, who lives with us, sits there like a baby bird at mealtimes waiting to be fed. I don’t mind if I’m doing a roast or something like a lasagne or shepherd’s pie, but some meals are for two, one and husband. I never know whether he’s going to be in for tea or not. I just think as a fully functioning surely he should be thinking himself about what he wants for tea and how it’s going to appear in front of him whilst he sits in his bedroom. He’s recently moved back in with us.

Yes I know I can have a conversation with him and set some boundaries around expectations but I just wanted to first gauge whether I’m being unreasonable before I go in all guns blazing.

I've been watching the fledglings in my garden all week as they follow their parents around demanding food so I enjoyed your OP.

Just tell him nicely that he's an adult now and he's in charge of dinner two nights a week.

He sounds a baby bird and weasel. Tell him he needs to be independent and cook his own dinner.

"Go in all guns blazing"

Yes, YABU - you haven't even had a conversation with him about expectations.

"Should he contribute"

YANBU - of course he should.

3 adults in the house, I would only expect to be cooking one day in three.
Whether you do that on a rota basis, or people just volunteering for different days - whatever suits you.
But, as a pp said, if you are cooking a roast / lasagne / cottage pie / curry / chilli / casserole / etc, it makes no difference if it is for 2 or 3 (or 6 to save other portions). If your dc isn't in, they can heat it through when you are ready.

Surely you just all need do is have a chat on, whatever day you do the shopping, and decide who’s doing / eating / cooking what that week. It’s not hard.

Cannot you just tell your DS: "Let me know by 3/4/7 pm about dinner so I know if you want some and I can cook enough."?

He should be able to make something for himself but think it is reasonable to expect that family will eat the same meal together.
I would ask my DCs just to make sure they don't feel excluded.

I don't get this. My kids all live at home. I have an adult child with us. When we cook dinner/meals it's for the whole family to eat/enjoy.

I don't think you're unreasonable BUT I do think it's probably a slightly awkward situation for him too if he moved out and back in. It's somewhat infantalising to have to move back in with parents after leaving apparently permanently I suspect. What was the arrangement before he left home? Did he leave relatively young at a time when you all generally ate together?

My eldest is only nearly 19 and I have two other teenagers - I like us to eat together as far as possible still and we have an explicitly stated rule (which everyone including parents and boy/ girlfriends follow) that whoever is in at meal times comes to the table for the meal. It's kind of the opposite of wanting people to cook for themselves although all the kids are capable of cooking a meal.

I can imagine that if my eldest moved out in a year and had to move back in in six years time, when her siblings would also be adults and potentially have moved out, we'd need to explicitly sort out a house-mate arrangement whereby either we cooked on a rota or we lived and cooked as a couple with her fending for herself as an independent lodger. I'm not sure it'd be immediately obvious to a returning adult offspring that their parents wouldn't want to eat together if they previously did.

Sometimes my eldest and her boyfriend cook elaborate meals just for themselves if they're going to be out at family meal time and it can sometimes be just as annoying to have someone else in the kitchen cooking just when you want to get started with your own cooking, just like in a house share - so it may be a case of be careful what you wish for!

I voted YABU because you have not once communicated anything to him about meals. He naturally, is assuming it is standard operating procedures from when he last lived at home.

No need to go in “guns blazing”- the irritation is your fault for not having the conversation when he first moved back.

I'm 41 and my mum would never not make me a meal or be this picky over it. How hard is it to make it for 3. If he's not there then surely it can be eaten the next day?

Dear child
Please let me know in the morning if you would like to eat as a family that night. If I don't hear from you then I will presume you will be sorting yourself out.
Out of the family days please volunteer to prepare cook and seve at least one meal per week.
Thanks mum.
And stick to it

Of course it’s reasonable to have this conversation.

I remember moving home after a few years away. I automatically went back to “kid”. My mum had to point out that this arrangement was not going to be the same as it was when I was at school. Which was perfectly reasonable, it’s just not necessarily how you’re thinking about it as a young adult moving back in to the family home. That’s a two way street - expect him to act as an adult and treat him as an adult.

YABVVU to be so irrationally annoyed if you haven't set any expectations and this is the only issue. You call him a 'baby bird' waiting to be fed. You want to go in with all guns blazing. Why so much animosity?
My mum for example is a feeder and wouldn't even dream of letting anybody else cook, she loves it. Bills, cleaning, laundry etc but I'd actually offend her by even raising the idea of getting my own food. And if there's extra well it just goes in the fridge she's not in the habit of portioning food out so surgically anyway.

However - however - if the issue is his lack of consideration, e.g.. not informing you whether he'll be home for dinner, if he knows he should do so. And a general lack of pulling his weight in other areas. YANBU I can see why this is somewhat of the straw that broke the camel's back.

Flip it around, how is the OP supposed to know when her adult son is going to be home, should she make food and waste it just in case ?

Why would it be wasted? Fridges exist

Surely with an adult man, you decide how the catering in your home works. You and your DH clearly have a system and your DS needs to decide how to be part of that. Do not just cater for him without him contributing by cooking too. If he doesn’t want to join in, then he must do all his own cooking. Treat him like an adult, any future partner will thank you!

He might find it liberating to just cook for himself, then he’s free to come and go as he pleases.
He might resent being tied to the kitchen, but what price his ‘freedom’? Cooking for himself, that’s the price.

How very judgemental. Many young people have no choice. It works perfectly well for me and my disabled DD27. And she feeds herself every day as we eat very differently.

Some people on this thread must be a lot fonder of leftovers than others.

I think it depends a lot on the sort of thing you eat.

Thinking about things we eat - stuff like pasta or risotto is fine left over but something like salmon wouldn't.

My DS tells us if he'll be out and have dinner out...

I'd be expecting him to cook for the family too. Give you a night off cooking

Thinking about things we eat - stuff like pasta or risotto is fine left over but something like salmon wouldn't.

Quite so - the op said 'I don’t mind if I’m doing a roast or something like a lasagne or shepherd’s pie, but some meals are for two'- we do more nice dinners for two now DD has left home, with more expensive ingredients and they're often not the sort of thing you'd want to make 3 portions of on spec.

Communication is the key... but it's not always that easy!
My adult dd lives with us, is supposed to cook for us all 2 nights a week but is often out. It's quite frustrating at times as she doesn't pull her weight enough. Add in major dietary issues - she is gluten free and fussy - it complicates things. I feel your pain OP but it's not always as straightforward as people think.

Just speak to him and ask him to tell you early each day whether he wants to eat with you or not. And ask him to cook a couple of times a week. Sometimes young adults need prompts to take up the reins of a more adult relationship with their parents at home.

I still don't understand why she doesn't just do what she wants and tell her son to find his own food.
He's hardly committed the crime of the century