25 year old making his own tea

[Illogicalgeological]

Am I being unreasonable in thinking it’s annoying me that our 25 year old son, who lives with us, sits there like a baby bird at mealtimes waiting to be fed. I don’t mind if I’m doing a roast or something like a lasagne or shepherd’s pie, but some meals are for two, one and husband. I never know whether he’s going to be in for tea or not. I just think as a fully functioning surely he should be thinking himself about what he wants for tea and how it’s going to appear in front of him whilst he sits in his bedroom. He’s recently moved back in with us.

Yes I know I can have a conversation with him and set some boundaries around expectations but I just wanted to first gauge whether I’m being unreasonable before I go in all guns blazing.

As soon as my DD (20) started working full time I informed her that she would need to cook her own dinners Monday - Friday and let me know if she wanted dinner Saturday and Sunday. I often work long hours and this arrangement works better for both of us as DD often makes plans last minute and also hops from diet to diet so can be difficult to cater for. Typically she will hang around for a Sunday roast and a takeaway (a couple of times per month) but other than that she cooks for herself or for her and her boyfriend. After a couple of years of this, she's a confident cook which I'm pleased about. If she is home and I have enough for both of us, I'll ask if she wants it but it's not expected. She buys her own food and we both pick up non-meal foods like bread, butter, milk as and when we need it (I tend to pay for this but she'd never ask me to). Perhaps if we were a larger family I'd do it differently but I don't think it's unreasonable for you to inform him that you will no longer cook for him and he will need to fund his own food (unless it's included in his board).

My kids, 9 & 10, make dinner for everyone one night a week.
Set some rules.

It's not just about food, it's about time and effort. Which is why your son should take his turn with the cooking (including the planning and the shopping for anything that isn't already in the house).

Once I hit adulthood my mum brought in the rule if I didn't tell her I'd be home for dinner then there wouldn't be any ready. There would always be crappy food available like tins, supernoodles, bread and stuff for sandwiches etc. As well as easy stuff i could cook. She would ask me every day (including calling or texting me when i was out) so she was nice enough in realising that sometimes I might forget to tell her so she'd give me a chance to reply etc. But if I ignored her or said I was out (but plans changed and i ended up being home) she wouldn't make me anything.
I think it's a fair rule. Why should food potentially be wasted regularly because am adult can't let someone know he'll be home or not or can't make his own food.
He won't starve. Just have lots of tins in our dried packet crap so if he's home and hungry and you didn't make anything is easy enough to heat up some hoops on toast. No its not ideal. But it might encourage him to tell you in future or start making nicer stuff for himself in the long run!

This is what we do. We ask him in the morning, and he happily makes his own food otherwise. Or we just make an extra plate he can heat up later or someone else will have it for lunch the day after.

But he always without fail says thank you for the food it was really nice, no matter how simple the food is.

At 25 he’s old enough to cook for himself and others. I was cooking for the family as a teen as both my parents worked and were shift workers. What’s he been doing? Does he do anything around the house?

Of course you're being unreasonable and faintly ridiculous.

Try talking to your son before venting frustration anywhere.- even Mumsnet.

@Notimeforaname - basically what they said

I would take the same approach as I do with my DDs age 18 and 15. Are Mesdames dining in the hotel this evening?

When my DD moved back in her twenties after a relationship break up, she suggested that the default be that she cooked for herself, so that she didn't have to worry what time she got in etc (the move made her commute much longer). But we still ate together at weekends, or if it was clear that we'd both be home, or of one was cooking something they knew the other would enjoy.

She also did her own food shopping, but would also buy some shared stuff to contribute.