Just another night of casual racism

[Loonaandalf]

Posting here because I don’t know where else to post about this. I name changed as well as another recent post along with this one could be outing.

DH’s two SIL’s and his mother are over, they don’t live in the same country as us so we only see them about 2-3 times a year. Last night we went out for dinner, we were having a lovely time, I’m newly pregnant so there was a lot of excitement at the table. I don’t care for his family much for a lot of reasons but one of them is that they’ve said racist things about others before but last night was genuinely lovely and I was surprised as to how pleasant they were being.

It comes to the end of the meal, we were about to pay up, SIL1 said casually that she was looking forward to going to get food in Chinatown tomorrow as she’d never been, this is when SIL2 starts to say out loudly ‘oh we’ll be getting some (racist C word) food.’ When nobody responded or looked at her, she said it again even louder towards my DH as he was facing her, she was doing this jokey tone of voice and obviously thought she was hilarious, I purposely looked away from her because I was mortified that she was saying this and wanted to look around to see if anyone could hear her, definitely one table did hear this.

DH tried to disengage from her, then gave her a stern look to let her know this wasn’t acceptable.

it ruined my night and I just kept my head down for the rest of it as I just felt sick and disgusted at this behaviour. I expect it from them in their own homes when we visit (unacceptable also) but to say this is public! Needless to say it changed the mood for the whole night. If anything I’m surprised SIL2 and MIL didn’t join in, I think they normally would but seemed busy in their own conversation at the time.

Don’t know why I’m posting, just to vent and for support. I’ve to spend the rest of the weekend with them, we have stuff booked and paid for today so can’t cancel.

I wish DH and I were more quick to respond, we spoke about it afterwards about how we should have explicitly told her that’s not on. It’s awkward though especially as we don’t see them often and we were in a cosy and busy restaurant.

Anyone got tips on how to respond if this comes up again, I don’t want to just ignore it? My family members have also said racist things before and I’m good at calling them out on it, they no longer say things like that around me but with in laws I just find I’m more passive, probably because they’re more loud and dominating.

Sorry meant to say ‘I’m surprised SIL1 didn’t join in’ at the end of the post

’dont use that word around me please’ and walk away.
surely it’s better for a restaurant of people hear you challenge the word than hear it and you say nothing?

I imagine the word they said us one that used to be in common parlance at one time and actually no offence was meant by this she is just out of touch. And that's what I would have said, it would not spoil my evening but I suspect the combination of not liking your SIL and your hormones have made you over sensitive.
Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way, enjoy every moment and try not to get upset about things you probably can't change.

A relative of mine pulls this kind of crap all the time to be shocking and wind people up. I just say sharply 'Don't say that it's racist/homophobic/offensive.' She sometimes tries to justify it by saying that's what people used to say and I counter 'Yes but we know better now ' Seems to work.

She definitely meant offence, I wish she was that naive but she isn’t sadly.

Yes it is, you are right. This is why I’m asking for tips as I want to be ready for it if it happened again today.

People who are racist have a habit of believing other people agree with them. If you don't, you need to open your mouth and tell them clearly. Its no use sitting there quietly feeling awkward then telling everyone it made you feel sick, because that's just virtue signalling. No one is really shocked speechless in the face of a racist remark, sadly we hear them all too often, and we are all perfectly capable of saying something. Even if its just 'dont say that, its racist'.You need to make your mind up what's most important to you. Speaking out about racism or not rocking the boat. Because you don't need any special words, and you don't need your husband to speak for you, just say what you're thinking. Or if it's too awkward for you, then don't, and accept you'll have to hear these comments from these people. Entirely your choice.

" I dislike you using offensive racist terms, please stop".

It shouldn't be about the other people in the restaurant

It's not really casual racism it's just racism. Don't bother meeting up with her again.

I mean yes people may have used that language 20 years ago but people do now know that it’s not on. She’s doing it for the shock value clearly as she repeated herself more loudly when she didn’t get a reaction.

You could just roll your eyes at her or just blatantly ignore her.

I actually think it would make more of an impact to treat her like she’s embarrassing rather than get into an argument about whether it was fine in the 50’s or something. People like that thrive off the attention.

OP if you don’t call out racism then you are condoning it.

i know it’s awkward but simply put you have to call it out everytime. I would have said ‘well we won’t be going to china town id you’re going to use words like that, I’d be mortified to be around you if you did’

find the words that work for you and use them. But please don’t do nothing.

There was nothing casual about that. It sounds like she was deliberately trying to wind you up and succeeded.

Either don't react at all or tell her outright that she's being offensive.

Sounds to me like she was saying it for a reaction. She wanted you to call her racist so she could then be offended.

Next time just say "it's not big or clever to be racist"

YANBU to really dislike what she said
YABU to not have said anything and for the giant drama you have built up
in your head about it.

You can enjoy time with her but dislike this aspect, no need to torture yourself with days of soul searching.

This.

If this is the word I'm imagining, I've not heard it since the 1980s, and even then it was a shocking term to use.

It's fucking appalling and has no place in society. She also bloody well knows that.

Get her told, and ask your partner why he doesn't challenge his family's behaviour.

I agree.

She sounds like an idiot but you need to address it at the time or move on. What country are they from?

I wouldn’t go no contact or let it ruin the weekend, they’re your DHs family.

The OP seemed to be suggesting that they didn’t say much because they didn’t want to ‘make a scene’. Perhaps I’ve got that wrong but that was my reading of it.

Why enable it? Call it out. Your silence makes you complicit.

Nigel Farage defends the use of that term, need I say more….
She’s racist, she means it unkindly.

I think I’d say, sorry what did you say? (Make her say it again) and reply gosh do you still use that term? Last time I heard it was in school, from an uneducated kid who didn’t know any better.

Don't talk nonsense. She said it again, louder, while staring at DH. She was deliberately trying to provoke a reaction and knew exactly what she was saying.

I agree you should call it out, saying it once was bad enough but the fact she kept repeating it in a “jokey” tone, shows she was being deliberately offensive and provocative and it wasn’t a slip of the mouth.

I wonder who is voting YANBU? hopefully they mean you are BU for staying silent or they’re clearly racist too it makes me wonder if they condone the use of that word.

Twenty years ago was 2004! I was born in the Seventies and have always understood it to be racist language and completely unacceptable.

“That’s unacceptable language” and repeat as necessary whilst walking away and clearly disengaging.

I wouldn’t keep going over it in my head though but I wonder if you are projecting your embarrassment.