Just another night of casual racism

[Loonaandalf]

Posting here because I don’t know where else to post about this. I name changed as well as another recent post along with this one could be outing.

DH’s two SIL’s and his mother are over, they don’t live in the same country as us so we only see them about 2-3 times a year. Last night we went out for dinner, we were having a lovely time, I’m newly pregnant so there was a lot of excitement at the table. I don’t care for his family much for a lot of reasons but one of them is that they’ve said racist things about others before but last night was genuinely lovely and I was surprised as to how pleasant they were being.

It comes to the end of the meal, we were about to pay up, SIL1 said casually that she was looking forward to going to get food in Chinatown tomorrow as she’d never been, this is when SIL2 starts to say out loudly ‘oh we’ll be getting some (racist C word) food.’ When nobody responded or looked at her, she said it again even louder towards my DH as he was facing her, she was doing this jokey tone of voice and obviously thought she was hilarious, I purposely looked away from her because I was mortified that she was saying this and wanted to look around to see if anyone could hear her, definitely one table did hear this.

DH tried to disengage from her, then gave her a stern look to let her know this wasn’t acceptable.

it ruined my night and I just kept my head down for the rest of it as I just felt sick and disgusted at this behaviour. I expect it from them in their own homes when we visit (unacceptable also) but to say this is public! Needless to say it changed the mood for the whole night. If anything I’m surprised SIL2 and MIL didn’t join in, I think they normally would but seemed busy in their own conversation at the time.

Don’t know why I’m posting, just to vent and for support. I’ve to spend the rest of the weekend with them, we have stuff booked and paid for today so can’t cancel.

I wish DH and I were more quick to respond, we spoke about it afterwards about how we should have explicitly told her that’s not on. It’s awkward though especially as we don’t see them often and we were in a cosy and busy restaurant.

Anyone got tips on how to respond if this comes up again, I don’t want to just ignore it? My family members have also said racist things before and I’m good at calling them out on it, they no longer say things like that around me but with in laws I just find I’m more passive, probably because they’re more loud and dominating.

Even if its just 'dont say that, its racist'.You need to make your mind up what's most important to you. Speaking out about racism or not rocking the boat. Because you don't need any special words, and you don't need your husband to speak for you, just say what you're thinking. Or if it's too awkward for you, then don't, and accept you'll have to hear these comments from these people. Entirely your choice.

This, exactly . No special words needed. Just keep it basic - “this is racist and offensive, don’t use words like that round me because I don’t want to hear it and quite frankly I’m embarrassed that anyone who overhears may think I’m ok with this”

What a dick she is; I cannot work out whether it’s you she enjoys winding up more than using racist language.

i guess she is probably one of those people who isn’t bothered how she is perceived; but if you are, you will have to tell her she’s being offensive and sounding ignorant. Or not hang out with her.

I live in a city in the North of the UK where people used to (maybe still do) use that word all the time. I don't think they thought it was racist. I used to say don't you mean a Chinese? It's so ignorant, isn't it? I have links to SE Asia and Chinese friends

Yes this, the family love being the victim and acting like everyone else is the problem. I know she’d say I have no banter if I called her out.

it’s tiring calling out racism, I had to do it with my own family before and still sometimes do. Also, I recently met a new friend who said culturally inappropriate things to me and had to call her out but she was offended. We’re now no longer friends. I just wish it wasn’t so common place, it’s exhausting.

I wish I could say a little island with no multiculturalism. Sadly, not that far and are they from a multicultural city. She’s also not old, just uneducated and uncultured through her own fault and not her society’s.

It’s exhausting and tiring for you? Bless you.

It isn’t hard to tell someone (anyone) that they are being racist.

That shouldn’t be that exhausting for you?

I would have looked confused and said 'why do you keep repeating that word?'

Honestly, she sounds unhinged.

It's not casual racism, she was saying it to get a reaction. Totally bizarre.

I’m newly pregnant so there was a lot of excitement at the table

I’ve just saw you’re pregnant. Do you want her speaking like around your child in a couple of years? You’re both going to have to learn to speak up the way you do with your own family .

I’d also have a word with my partner in advance to make sure he backs me. In fact he should be the one challenging it initially but if he doesn’t for any reason, I’d say something instead which will probably encourage him to speak up next time.

We’re now no longer friends. I just wish it wasn’t so common place, it’s exhausting.

You did the right thing but I agree it is far too common and exhausting. Not as exhausting as it is for POC though. Imagine how you’d feel as an East Asian person if you were nearby and overhead that?

What rubbish my 83 year old mother would not use this word as she knows it's racist. I assume her SIL is somewhat younger.
My Dad grew up in South Africa as a white man in apartheid with racist parents and I have only ever heard him call out racism.
There is no excuse.

I think you’re getting a hard time from people who weren’t there.

In an ideal world, you’d have said something. But sometimes it’s very hard to say something, especially in the moment, especially when they are in-laws rather than relatives, and then the moment has passed and you worry that bringing it up in public will make them say something worse.

Next time, just say, Please don’t use that word. And when they inevitably say it’s just a joke look completely blank as though you have no idea what they could possibly mean and say I don’t get it. And continue to not get why they think it’s funny in the blankest, faintly disgusted way possible.

For what it’s worth, I’m part Chinese, and your SIL’s words make me feel mostly shock that such an anachronism of a woman is allowed out. But I don’t think there’s really anything you can do to change another person’s behaviour if they don’t want to change.

I was taught in the 70s/80s not to use that word so there's no excuse.

However, a couple of years ago my Chinese neighbour said she was having a [insert racist word for Chinese food] for dinner. She had a wee laugh when I told her she can't say that anymore 😱

You have to assert yourself OP and shut your SIL down when she says something racist. ‘No, not that’s not acceptable,’ works. Start with a firm ‘No’ and the rest comes easier. At least that is what I found.

If nothing else you are going to have to assert yourself for your child. You don’t want her thinking her aunt’s behaviour is okay.

Congratulations on your pregnancy .

Not as exhausting as it is for POC though. Imagine how you’d feel as an East Asian person if you were nearby and overhead that?

This, too.

The word you mean seems to be one that racists still think it is acceptable to use. There are a pair of women in my office who used it (along with various other derogatory terms) all the time, I kept telling them it was offensive but they carried on until I said next time I was going to HR. They are still racist twats but not around me anymore.

I would just say stop being racist to anything, no need for anything else.

Am I the only (naive?) one who has no idea what the word is?

they don’t live in the same country as us

The obvious way to call it out is to say "that word is considered racist in this country. If you don't want your head kicked in then maybe you shouldn't use it". Then walk off.

Thank you, I’m ashamed I said nothing and tbh don’t think it should have been
me, it should have been DH. He’s quite passive with his family, he’s the youngest and they treat him so, they’ve also called him a snob before when he’s called them out for inappropriate behaviour, ‘there’s no banter with you since you’ve moved away’ that sort of chat. The moment has passed and I am trying to prepare to be better. It’s all I can do now.

It ruined your night?

They come from a similar culture to the North of the UK I guess, traditionally white though not anymore.

So ignorant yes and no excuse for it. Ugh well wish me luck today, I will try and divert them from Chinatown and be armed with assertive responses.

Yes partly because I can’t stand racism, partly because I expected some basic manners and self awareness when they are visiting us, partly because we were having a nice time, excitement in the air etc and partly because I wanted to give her a slap and was annoyed at my self for not being quicker to say something.

You’ll find it easily from googling if you really want to, glad you don’t know it. Count yourself lucky that you’re not from a horrible white culture of people who think it’s normal.

If they say there is no banter just respond racism is never banter.

Stop meeting up with them or call it out are the 2 options.

Yeah

Ah right.

Never mind that OP. Make a scene.

Please say something next time. I'm half East Asian and I'm fed up with the racism and people claiming they don't think they're being racist.