Just another night of casual racism

[Loonaandalf]

Posting here because I don’t know where else to post about this. I name changed as well as another recent post along with this one could be outing.

DH’s two SIL’s and his mother are over, they don’t live in the same country as us so we only see them about 2-3 times a year. Last night we went out for dinner, we were having a lovely time, I’m newly pregnant so there was a lot of excitement at the table. I don’t care for his family much for a lot of reasons but one of them is that they’ve said racist things about others before but last night was genuinely lovely and I was surprised as to how pleasant they were being.

It comes to the end of the meal, we were about to pay up, SIL1 said casually that she was looking forward to going to get food in Chinatown tomorrow as she’d never been, this is when SIL2 starts to say out loudly ‘oh we’ll be getting some (racist C word) food.’ When nobody responded or looked at her, she said it again even louder towards my DH as he was facing her, she was doing this jokey tone of voice and obviously thought she was hilarious, I purposely looked away from her because I was mortified that she was saying this and wanted to look around to see if anyone could hear her, definitely one table did hear this.

DH tried to disengage from her, then gave her a stern look to let her know this wasn’t acceptable.

it ruined my night and I just kept my head down for the rest of it as I just felt sick and disgusted at this behaviour. I expect it from them in their own homes when we visit (unacceptable also) but to say this is public! Needless to say it changed the mood for the whole night. If anything I’m surprised SIL2 and MIL didn’t join in, I think they normally would but seemed busy in their own conversation at the time.

Don’t know why I’m posting, just to vent and for support. I’ve to spend the rest of the weekend with them, we have stuff booked and paid for today so can’t cancel.

I wish DH and I were more quick to respond, we spoke about it afterwards about how we should have explicitly told her that’s not on. It’s awkward though especially as we don’t see them often and we were in a cosy and busy restaurant.

Anyone got tips on how to respond if this comes up again, I don’t want to just ignore it? My family members have also said racist things before and I’m good at calling them out on it, they no longer say things like that around me but with in laws I just find I’m more passive, probably because they’re more loud and dominating.

Sorry above response meant to be for @Iwantmyoldnameback

Right thanks for clarifying and if you had said that initially my response would have been different. You obviously don't like confrontation (nothing wrong with that) so it's a good idea to have a few stock phrases as other posters have suggested.
I possibly would have suggested they did not go to China Town with that attitude but that possibly would invite debate so possibly more like "We don't say words like that over here"

"it’s tiring calling out racism, I had to do it with my own family before and still sometimes do. Also, I recently met a new friend who said culturally inappropriate things to me and had to call her out but she was offended. We’re now no longer friends. I just wish it wasn’t so common place, it’s exhausting."

@Loonaandalf yes it is but do it anyway.

I've experienced direct racism. And it felt like a very lonely battle. These days more people do call it out and it feels much better to me.

Just keep it simple. That's a racist term. Don't use it. Then if they do use it they can't say they didn't know.

I agree, something like "You're showing your age there!" to make her sound old/old fashioned.

“Shut up, you racist dickhead,” generally works for me 🤷‍♀️

doubtful.

why would you repeat the sentence anyway if you weren't trying to make some sort of point - SIL1 had already said they were going to eat in chinatown, why did it need repeating?

If she'd said 'We're looking forward to go to the corner chippy tomorrow,' SIL 2 wouldn't randomly repeat 'oh yeah we'll be getting some chips!' not just once, but twice. It wouldn't make sense, and wouldn't add anything to the conversation. It would be a very odd thing to do.

Besides which OP made it very clear she was saying it to get a laugh. If you thought this was a completely acceptable word, you wouldn't keep repeating it in a joking manner, because you wouldn't consider it funny?

OP I think you probably should have challenged at the time. Perhaps some of the people in earshot had chinese heritage, you wouldn't necessarily know. It's bad enough to hear people making fun of you but at least if corrected you'd think it's just one idiot, rather than a whole table of people agreeing with her.

It doesn't have to cause a scene or be aggressive, just something like. 'Don't use that word,' or 'That's really not appropriate,' or 'Yeah, don't say that,' or whatever, in a completely calm voice, the same tone as if you were correcting any other mistake, as if she'd said 'How's your cousin Amy,' and you were replying 'It's Anna, actually,' or something, so she can't say you're having a go at her, and it doesn't have to get emotive, you're just addressing something she's got wrong.

Horrible woman

This just reminds me of that Father Ted episode 😆😆😆