Just another night of casual racism

[Loonaandalf]

Posting here because I don’t know where else to post about this. I name changed as well as another recent post along with this one could be outing.

DH’s two SIL’s and his mother are over, they don’t live in the same country as us so we only see them about 2-3 times a year. Last night we went out for dinner, we were having a lovely time, I’m newly pregnant so there was a lot of excitement at the table. I don’t care for his family much for a lot of reasons but one of them is that they’ve said racist things about others before but last night was genuinely lovely and I was surprised as to how pleasant they were being.

It comes to the end of the meal, we were about to pay up, SIL1 said casually that she was looking forward to going to get food in Chinatown tomorrow as she’d never been, this is when SIL2 starts to say out loudly ‘oh we’ll be getting some (racist C word) food.’ When nobody responded or looked at her, she said it again even louder towards my DH as he was facing her, she was doing this jokey tone of voice and obviously thought she was hilarious, I purposely looked away from her because I was mortified that she was saying this and wanted to look around to see if anyone could hear her, definitely one table did hear this.

DH tried to disengage from her, then gave her a stern look to let her know this wasn’t acceptable.

it ruined my night and I just kept my head down for the rest of it as I just felt sick and disgusted at this behaviour. I expect it from them in their own homes when we visit (unacceptable also) but to say this is public! Needless to say it changed the mood for the whole night. If anything I’m surprised SIL2 and MIL didn’t join in, I think they normally would but seemed busy in their own conversation at the time.

Don’t know why I’m posting, just to vent and for support. I’ve to spend the rest of the weekend with them, we have stuff booked and paid for today so can’t cancel.

I wish DH and I were more quick to respond, we spoke about it afterwards about how we should have explicitly told her that’s not on. It’s awkward though especially as we don’t see them often and we were in a cosy and busy restaurant.

Anyone got tips on how to respond if this comes up again, I don’t want to just ignore it? My family members have also said racist things before and I’m good at calling them out on it, they no longer say things like that around me but with in laws I just find I’m more passive, probably because they’re more loud and dominating.

Probably

The voting on this thread alone shows that there is still a huge problem with racism. I doubt most of the people voting YABU are against what the SIL said.

What’s your race? Maybe we can come up with some old common parlance for you, since you find it so inoffensive.

@Loonaandalf - good luck. I love trips to China town and I hope you can enjoy it and have a nice meal

I had to Google it but it’s not a word I’ve heard anyone use. I knew it existed but as I say I’ve never heard it used. It’s really awful.

I'm in my 20s and people, children and adults, called me the C word as a slur back when I was in school. The C word has always been a racist slur.

MIL used the exact same word a few weeks ago, also in public. I said "you might not realise it MIL but that word is actually considered really offensive now. It would be very upsetting for people to hear"

All the internalising of your feelings about it, your anger and disgust and allowing it to ruin your whole night - you really need to find your voice in these situations. It needn't be a huge confrontation and a massive lecture - just the above let's the people around you know that it's not ok and you're not ok with it and is better than saying nothing.

Poor you. The racism is horrible and people have rightly focussed on it, but the other element is the deliberate calculated attempt to upset you on what should have been a happy occasion.
I don't think you can evade talking about this at some point, I really don't, unless you're going to avoid contact with them.
Some people are a bit too stupid or with low EI and can't comprehend why racism is bad. They have no conception of the historical context and even if they do, lack the capacity to understand the hurt that can be caused by their words or the harm they cause when repeated.
Maybe you'll need to explain that unemotionally in detail at some point adding in the fact that they knew from previous encounters that the words would upset you so clearly intended to do so

..and that you'd like to keep up the relationship as a family with a child but you won't be able to do so if they persist with this which would be a great shame ... so you're asking them as nicely as you can to desist as you'd like your baby to have an auntie

Perhaps you could have casually said, oh hey, people don’t use that word these days. Then, you have told her clearly that it’s not ok to say it, but you have avoided calling her racist which could have led to a big argument/scene or a rift.

Your SIL was being an ignorant idiot. However, at least you know where you stand with her. I do know plenty of people at work who would be horrified by her language and ‘they would definitely call her out’ on it. They polish their self righteous halos as they write equality and diversity policies but somehow only manage to employ middle aged white men in management positions.

I agree with the poster that says that some people love to provoke a reaction. They don't even know that they're doing it, but it makes them feel superior and calm to watch you get upset. So you have to play your part in their play. Many years ago, like thirty, when I was young, somebody called me a paddy repeatedly, as a joke, ''affectionate teasing'', made stereotypes about my parents, but when I lazily called the corner shop the paki shop, he rounded on me for my racism and drummed up support for his disgust with me.. He didn't give me time to say, wait, you're absolutely right, I shouldn't have said that, even if I hear it around, me, that's no excuse, it's offensive, never again. But before I'd had time to pause, think, reflect and have an authentic reaction, all of the focus was on my racism. I spiralled, trying to defend myself by pointing out their hypocrisy. I should have just walked away from a shower of arseholes who enjoyed pushing buttons. I'd reflected. I'd learned a lesson. After all I knew how it felt to be on the receiving end of lazy offensive language. I regret not walking away IMMEDIATELY but i stuck around for a ''court case''

If she's saying it to be provocative then saying anything that sounds like you're educating her won't cut it. She knows it's wrong. Your DH should have told her not to be a dick.

I'm not defending the SIL but they do not live in this country and may misunderstand that this is not an acceptable term. And that's what I would have told her, it appears nobody did, just gave her a stern look. I am older (boo hiss) and remember this term being used but only in relation to the food but not to people.

A relative of mine pulls this kind of crap all the time to be shocking and wind people up

Same. DF does it constantly. It makes me not like him and not want to spend time with him.

How did she respond? DH’s family get all easily offended, pretend to be dim and pass everything as banter. They don’t like anything woke either and I get the impression they think DH and I have ‘ideas above our station’ because we try our best to keep up with the times.

How do you rsespind to it?

Sadly DH and I come from a certain type of white culture who throw these kind of comments around for various minorities. Count yourselves lucky you are surrounded by decent people and don’t have to battle at every family get together/ special occasion.
I’m sure you can see why we don’t see them often and why we moved away.

Sounds like she's doing it because she thinks you're r a goody two shoes and wanted to annoy you.

I would just sigh and roll my eyes tbh. Or if you don't want people to think you're racist as well, just laugh it off "omg stop being so racist, let's talk about something else"

@Iwantmyoldnameback errr unless you are Chinese i dont think you can say 'no offence was made' when it was more common place to hear.

This is a prime example of racism

If you think a big reaction is what they want, here are a few things I use on DF when he makes shock value remarks which seem to take the wind out of his sails a bit:

• In a slightly pitying voice: "Wow. That was cringey"
• In a bored voice: "You're such a bloody dinosaur using words like that"
• not looking up from phone: "You're unbelievably boring when you go on like that"

Or if I have taken the bait and it has provoked a big "Oh well, you can't say anything any more can you!!' reaction from him.... calmly "Why does this upset you so much?"

I know it's PA as hell but it makes him feel silly and embarrassing as opposed to some tell-it-like-it-is Nigel Farage type.

That doesn’t make it any better. Seriously, just stop, you’re embarrassing yourself by justifying racism from someone who REPEATED what she did to look for a reaction.

Maybe I haven’t explained it right, she said it in more teasing way than I described as I tried to keep it to the point. She also said it in a Chinese accent, she has a tendency to do ‘funny’
voices like this quite often, slagging off accents. It’s not acceptable in the country they’re from either, she knew what she was doing. She’s just full of banter you know, one of those types 🙄

If you can't bring yourself to tell her off, you need to find a "fake-jokey" way to do it - eg "1950 just called, they want you back"; or else just act astonished "I can't believe you just said that!" Whatever you do, remember this: if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.

As I would have said something, which is more than the OP or her husband did, i don't see how I can be accused of condoning racism, casual or otherwise.