To not take the test as it will just break me

[Rosesbeforelove]

I know- my logical sensible 44 year old head says yes, of course you need to test, and stop this nonsense wondering.
But my sensible head is sooooo buried under panic, fear, excitement and scared of…hope, to be heard.
No one IRL so asking for either tough love or handhold here.

i feel…pregnant. Always had fertility issues, tried for 1 Year + many times and all failed when finally pregnant. I’m now 44 and on the pill, mainly because it helps my adult acne. But I also have a friend / occasional romantic partner (very occasional as he lives hours away, very separate lives but good friends) and we did have sex once a month the last 2 months when he was here for work. I’m on the pill but weird dodgy yummy made me piley
hsve 2 pills simply pass through me in an unpleasant way the month before last. Simply can’t quite get dates right to work out if it coincided with him here or not, but I think not.
i had a pill free “period” 2 weeks ago that was very short but as I hit perimenopause most of mine are now very short so no big deal.
But this week I keep having to get up to pee which I never do, my boobs hurt to hell, and driving to work today I was hit with a wave of nausea that amounted to nothing but I suddenly thought….hang on,
these Are all pregnancy symptoms right?

in my life I’ve likely bought 200+ tests. Each test triggers me back to losses and sad times so I find them extremely traumatic to do. As in I have to psych myself up for days, sit physically shaking for the 3 min timer and crawl under a duvet at the negative result as even tho I expect it that sneaky glimmer of hope burns bright until the fat lady sings.

this month has been a kicker for me with a poorly elderly mum, possibly redundancy at work and some financial hits, I’d be terrified if I was pregnant as I feel too old, too alone, too unprepared etc, my mental health isn’t good right now.

But,,,,but..,,the thought of the possibility is already glowing away and I’m so so scared to test as either result will need me to be strong and I’m not right now☹️

I’d be mad to just wait to see if I get my period in a week or so time when I usve my next pill free break, yes? and equally mad to have any hope at my age while on the pill and such infrequent sex and low fertility etc,

thanks for reading this far, my brain is a 2am bowl of jelly,

Agree with this, stop the what ifs do you can come to terms with it either way x

I'd agree this may be peri menopause talking.

But just in case, you need to know if you should be continuing with your pills or not.

So please do go pick up a pregnancy test - knowing is best, one way or the other. Better than false hope, lost hope, anxiety, fear.

We're here.

I agree with the later posts OP
It is unlikely you are pregnant, but I think you need to test now to clear your mind either way and see GP should you need an ultrasound to confirm dates
I hope you get the result you want.

Take the test. Then you'll know. I really hope it's the result you want.

She isn't desperate to be pregnant.

Also, if you are infertile. Truly, profoundly infertile, there isn't a natural connection (mentally, or otherwise) between sex and pregnancy. I've always had a very active sex life with my DH, often multiple times a week, and I've been pregnant once in a decade.

Can you imagine that? Having regular cycles, normal(ish) periods, ovulating normally on ultrasound scans. Having unprotected sex, sometimes daily, for more than a decade and becoming pregnant only once in all that time.

I've had two children now and the idea that I could be pregnant at any given time is still laughable. I've had MRI scans when I could, theoretically, be pregnant. I've just experimented with the mini-pill for a few weeks due to my endometriosis, despite the fact I want a third child - and could theoretically be pregnant. Because, rationally speaking, I know I don't get pregnant.

It doesn't stop you having a vague hope of a miracle, though. However silly it seems...

Do you have any one IRL who could sit with you while you take it?

To be honest, it sounds like your wishful thinking is clutching at the last straws here.
Our hormones / bodies / minds play tricks like that.

You have all blown me away with your kindness 🥰thank you, every one of you for taking the time to handhold me and be my sidekick this week. I won’t lie, I’ve been massively struggling with my nemesis anxiety which sends me into freeze or fight mode and this time it’s been freeze so even the energy to respond has felt too great, along with general personal care 🤦‍♀️but I’ve read your responses and your care and support has meant more to me than I can say.
I’ve not bought a test yet but will, just to stop this imp of hope. I know I can’t be and it’s perimenopause in my heart but that nugget of hope never goes away does it? Well not for me anyway.
no IRL friends as all have their own beautiful families and I’ve some nice colleagues but work from home so it’s very isolated. No one to talk it over with wine / hugs/ etc so thank you for being my friends through this. kindness is always so very nice to receive 🌻

Best of luck op x

Well done for taking the first step. It's not a simple thing even if the mechanics of it actually are. Thinking of you

same here. Its years ago now when IVF was even more gruelling and less likely to be successful than now. We decided not to go that route and had a happy childfree life together (am widowed now) but it was still hard when it got to menopause and "not so far" became "not ever". You do get through that sadness but yes....its there for a while.

Thinking of you OP

@Rosesbeforelove thinking of you and sending you virtual hugs.

Hope everything’s ok op

Any update, OP? I hope you’re ok.