To stop giving her money

[MyYorkie]

AIBU to stop borrowing friend money, I can't be sure if she is fabricating stories or even telling me the truth.

The friend let's call her Rach, works when her kids are at school, I'm not sure what she does work wise it's very hush hush.

The stories Rach tells me to lend money are ridiculous. it's 10/20quid a week, I never get it back. The problem I have, Rach makes me feel so guilty that she can't feed her kids and that they are in bed hungry and starving.

She'll text saying they havent ate since school, and they she doesn't have any food, they get school meals.

she'll tell me she's escaped an abusive relationship, she's got a new fella and she's magically fine, they've stopped her child benefit, and universal credit, she's told me that she's in a woman shelter and none of her family will help, Her prams broke, her fridge has broken,she doesn't have money for gifts, she's having to walk the kids to school 15 miles each way, i know she is lying, 15 hilly miles with 4 kids under 10 isn't happening. That the kids need new coats or trainers.

her texts messages are always late at night and I literally have hell trying to decode them, but they always asks for money, or can I help the kids, I worry so much for the kids.

There is something more to this but I just don't know what? I only speak to her through messages so I take her word, but resently I have started saying no, because I feel she's not being truthful, but know she's upped her game and again she is at it with the stories about how hard done by she is and her kids are starving, that the kids love me, I haven't seen them in years because the distance, I have help her out alot before because I genuinely thought she and the kids needed help, but her stories are making me question her, is she taking me for a idiot, nothing she saying adds up.

The only people I feel for are the kids, I have my own kids to provide for too I just can't keep lending her money. Help!

When you lend someone money, it generally comes with a requirement that they will pay you back.

You aren't getting it back and so you are basically paying for her regardless of whether she is feeding her kids, or spending it frivolously. Are you a little one person welfare state?

Either speak to her and help her get the support she needs, or if she is gaslighting you, block her from your life.

Agreed. Have you ever met her in person and do you know her "kids" even exist?

Just block her.

The Shakespeare quote goes 'Neither a lender or a borrower be'. I have lent people money I would be happy to lose, but I wouldn't lend them a single penny more if they'd not paid me back what they owed.

My grandad told me a story about how he would lend someone £10 a week, and he'd get it back every week, but then the friend asked to borrow it again. My grandad told him that he could keep the £10, and he must never ask to borrow money off him again.

It sounds like you don't even have that leverage because you never get it back. Cut your losses and get rid of your 'friend'.

Sadly she is an addict. And this money is enabling her habit. I know it’s hard but block her and contact social services. Those kids need support.

I had a ‘friend’ like this turns out she was alcoholic using church charities for food, I bought her bags of food that was reduced( yellow stickers) she turned her nose up, kept being in the house unconscious (hypo)with a 2 ,4 & 6 yr old in the house. I was so scared for the children I rang her GP explained who I was told my experiences with her & worry about safety of children. He said she wasn’t my problem he was dealing with her alcoholism & would contact SS. I walked away she was so deceitful.

She's having a laugh behind your back at how gullible you're to still fall for her blatant lies and give her money.

You have your kids to think about and any money you give her is money you are taking away from them. Sorry to be blunt, but you're essentially prioritising a shameless user over your own kids.

Block her number and don't look back.

Shes on drugs, thats what you are paying for!

I know there are people who are genuinely struggling but the vast majority of people who do this say they can't feed DC or have no electricity but in reality they've spent the money on something else non essential.

They just don't see why they should do boring adult budgeting when they can get others to make up for their irresponsible spending.

It's also usually the case if they're asking for money from people they don't see day to day that they've already burned their bridges with their parents, siblings, close friends etc so have moved on to other people they know.

Oh OP, really sorry to hear about your mum. I understand with a bereavement on your mind you haven't had the energy to figure things out elsewhere.
How long has this been going on - how much have you lent her in total?

As others have said, block her and don’t give her anymore money. But you also mentioned your friends with her through her sister? If you’re genuinely worried about the children (which is fair, I would be too) could her sister give you an insight whether they’re safe and ok or if she doesn’t know, an idea how to track them down to check?

Interesting that her and her sister don't get on. Is it possible she was doing this to her sister and that's why they fell out? I'd be inclined to speak to her sister and ask.

My guess is drinking. Late night requests mean she's probably drunk. She manipulating you. Addicts tend to be very good at that. Her children won't starve. Once you say no she'll just move on to someone else.

Next time she asks just say no. Tell her you're a bit short yourself lately and would appreciate if she could start paying back some of what she owes you. Ask her for £20 a week.

You'll never hear from her again.

I'd also consider contacting social services with the evidence of her texts saying her children are hungry. They might be, but it's because she's spending the money elsewhere.

You are lending (giving!!) money to fuel someone's addiction. Whether that's drugs or alcohol, online gambling or something else. How does that feel? You don't even know this person really and they are definitely not your friend!

You KNOW her kids aren't benefiting from the money...you're simply enabling her. More fool you 🤷‍♀️

When your “friend” messages

text back

i don’t have any spare money to give you. Go to your support worker for help. I will have to go without to give you money. Stop asking me for money.

don’t apologise, don’t say sorry - as your not sorry about giving money away. Be brief, no king complicated explination. Same text each time

I don't know where she lives

I assumed this was a best friend who you see most days.

Just stop replying to her messages.
Pretend you didn’t receive them.

Some people struggle with saying no and you sound like a lovely person but surely you can just say that you’re short this month and you can’t spare anything.

She’s taking the piss and using you and the more help you give her, the more she will want.

Have you spoke to her sister to let her know what's going on? She's lying but either way I'd be getting those kids checked in on just incase. And next step is to block her

Stop now. Next time say you know how she feels but you are out of work and have no spare cash.

You never see her, you don't know where she lives and yet you give her money?

Just tell her don't ask me for money again and block her.

it's 10/20quid a week, I never get it back.

How many weeks have you lent her £10/20 over how many years?! That’s insane-you are just giving her £40-£90 every month, that’s a day’s wages to many people!

I’d work it out and say, ‘Rachel, you ask me for money every week and I have lent you £000 over the last x years. I need it back-this stops now’

She is a user.

This

Refer her to a local food bank and ask her to contact social services for help. She isn't actually allowed to live with a man in a refuge. I think she's lying because she's making up stories and asking late at night. I feel as though it's for a drug habit. I'd mute her messages for a while and just say you had alot going on.

Stop being her personal cash machine! She's taking you for an absolute mug.

Firstly, I would like to express my condolences to you.

It appears that this individual is taking advantage of your generous nature.

Are they aware of the significant loss you have recently experienced? Regardless, it is unfortunate that they are exploiting your kindness.

It is concerning that they continue to ask for money despite knowing the financial strain it puts on you and your family.

Their repeated requests, often accompanied by lengthy explanations of their situation, suggest a pattern of addictive behavior.

While you have chosen to consider this money as a loss, it is important to prioritize the well-being of your own family.

I understand that you may feel hesitant to confront this individual, but it is crucial to establish boundaries and protect yourself from further financial exploitation.

Please know that you are not obligated to provide assistance to someone who is taking advantage of your generosity.

In the future, it may be wise to approach requests for financial assistance with caution and seek advice from trusted friends or family members.

I hope you find the strength to address this situation and avoid being taken advantage of in the future.

Sending you my best wishes and deepest sympathies for your loss.

@MyYorkie either say no or block her. Preferably both.

Does she have a different phone number? Shelters tend to want you to get a new phone number and device because they don't want an abusive ex tracking a woman (and children) down by her phone location.

But, along with PPs, I think you're being scammed and, like Devonshire, think you need to consider yourself and your own circumstances as the priority. You need to stop the money flow.