Friends with money

[the7Vabo]

Posting here for other opinions rather than AIBU if that’s allowed.

Per the title most of our friends have a lot of money and some have serious amounts of money.

My DC are pretty young but recently we went on holidays with friends who have serious money and they rented an amazing mansion and we rented a perfect nice typical holiday home. Five nights in our house cost less than one in theirs to give you an idea of scale.

My DS(6) who never appeared to notice the disparity before has announced (firmly) that he wants to get their house next time we go.

I sense this will be the start of many conversions on the topic.

I tried explaining that money isn’t really what matters in life but that went very much over his head.

We live a nice comfortable but nothing remarkable life. But he has a lovely school, nice room, nice area to play in. He also had a bustling social life - weekends of hobbies and seeing friends for coffees.

I don’t expect a child to be grateful every day of his life but I’d like to raise a child who doesn’t worship money (which at the moment he does!)

I also don’t want him to feel upset or hard done by or that he needs certain material things for his sense of self esteem. It upsets me somewhat thinking about this because even though I didn’t grow up in poverty, I remember the feeling of not having things that other people had and it made be feel like they were better than me. But at the same time now I’m an adult I obviously disagree with that logic! I also get a bit annoyed at him for wanting things when I know it’s normal for a kid.

I have thought of showing him dire poverty but that seems OTT for his age and as bad as it’s sounds I felt there were so many similar charity ads when I was growing up with pictures of babies in Africa I barley registered them.

Any advice on how to approach conversations.

Suspect you are overthinking it - your DS is 6. If he prefers the other house it might be for some innocuous reason - like the sweets he had when we was there or what they watched on TV. I think 6 is way too young to understand the concept of money or wealth or privilege. A quick “that house costs more pennies than mummy and daddy have” is probably enough and it will likely be quickly forgotten. No need to show him dire poverty etc!

Agree, you are overthinking. We were the people with slightly more money, big house with pool and tennis court etc in this scenario. My now young adult kids usually preferred other peoples’ houses to ours for completely random reasons - generally they would see one thing they loved (a cat/dog, a particular toy, a food they ate, a swing - you get the picture) and not see anything else. They were completely unaware of any material discrepancy until well into their teens.

I think you’re overthinking and projecting. He’s six. He’s just expressing preferences - of course he likes the big fancy house. He doesn’t understand what it costs or different incomes. He was probably perfectly happy with his holiday - you can take a kid to an adventure playground and they’ll have a great time but if you show them a picture of Disneyland and they’ll probably still go “wow I want to go there”.

He doesn’t need lots of long talks, he’s not emotionally mature enough yet. I’d say he needs to see you and the other adults around him modelling the values you want - contentment and enjoying what you have. And he needs to be friends with and spend time with kids from a more normal economic background more like his own - presumably he gets that at school and other activities.

I grew up in poverty and I remember feeling left out well, however, I also always had a sense of family finances so knew that I couldn't really assertively ask for anything even at that age. Maybe your son doesn't quite have the grasp of money and the disparity between your comfortable income and the amount of money that is needed for the upgrade.
From that perspective, I think showing him "the other side" might just do the trick. I would start engaging in volunteering as a family. Maybe a soup kitchen or a food bank a couple of the times a month. But keep it light and in the spirit of helping people with less, rather than using it as a lecturing opportunity.
I think it is disingenuous to say money doesn't matter. It does. But you should also tell him that he is welcome to strive to earn higher salary as an adult. I think involving kids in budgeting is also great as it allows them to conceptualise money better. I know that my youngest cousin went through a similar stage and it wasn't until he started using his own stipend to buy food while living with our elderly grandmother that he really got it.

Nice stealth brag…!

Seriously?? You think I need to “brag” (hardly stealthily if you want to read it as bragging) on an anonymous online forum where no one has a clue who I am?? WTF would be the point?? I was giving enough context to answer the OP’s post.

You’re overthinking. I’d probably be quite honest and just tell him that you can’t afford that level of holiday home and then focus on the lovely life you do have. I don’t think kids really have any damage from seeing what wealth looks like unless they have poverty and lack of love and stability for themselves.

Overthinking it, I just tell Dd we can’t afford stuff but thats fine, she’s still very lucky compared to lots of other people in many ways not just material.

It’s straight to the point and honest. She can feel however she wants about that but I can’t magic up money.

I have 2 neighbours who have kids similar ages to mine, they all play together but neighbours are millionaires. (Massive houses, pool, Lamborghini's, their season ticket to football costs more than my salary)

I few times recently we've found DS6 sat under his bed sobbing because he doesn't have the things they do or get to go places they go to. Their kids get stuff whenever they want & have no respect for what they have.

I've encouraged play dates with other kids, we go out & do cheaper days out but it's hard. They are too young to understand some people just have more money but at 6 it's a hard lesson to learn.

As parents we never, ever poke fun or talk down about other people's possessions or talk up or worship at the other end of the spectrum.

We stamped very hard on understandable comments like 'i wouldn't like to live there' giving lots of reasons why or how people make it work. getting started in life, go away every weekend, close to family, a home is about the people, etc and that most people, in most places, with most incomes work equally as hard.

And I guess we went the other way with richer friends - it takes work and/or luck, and choices. they choose to put a lot of resources into holidays but maybe not something else we value, we all make choices, etc

So basically don't gossip about other people's stuff in front of the kids but build an awareness about the complex web that work and good or bad fortune can create.

We also like the examples of races were kids are ask to step forward or back at the start line according to divorce, skin tone, health, and random items then set off to the finish. That really makes you appreciate your good fortune.

That wasn't a stealth brag. It was completely relevant to the thread.

Aside from all of the excellent advice - why not either pool money and hire a holiday home together, or go somewhere completely different to them?

I would find it stranger to have friends stay right near by but in accommodation of either a much higher or lower standard.

We always do this if travelling with others, we don’t discuss it openly but we just sort of ‘meet in the middle’ so that the holiday is the same for all.

You're right OP, it's a tough one.

We are the poorer ones compared to son's friends at school then uni. He never wanted to invite friends back as he was ashamed of our house.

Now it's motivating him to work hard, because he wants the luxury he sees his friends have. So I guess that is a positive.

I don't think there is any easy answer. Your child either is bothered by this or he isn't. Depends if he's material or not I guess. One of ours is, the others not so bothered.

Blimey. Our focus has always been on the fun we have together. We once stayed with friends who have a property set in ten acres. The best fun all the kids had was being allowed to play outside in the rain in their swimming costumes and get caked in mud, followed by using an excess of bubble bath in the jacuzzi style bath the five of them shared afterwards. Fifteen years later, they still remember it fondly, not for the wealth of our friends, but for the joy they had. And they had as much fun playing cards on a wet afternoon in a tent on various camping holidays. Focus on giving your kids attention and doing things together.

And understand that not all fun needs rain!

Ask what he liked about the house, because it probably isn't just size.

My 6 year old is aware of costs from his pocket money, and they even count money in school in year 1. So I do think your child should be able to understand about affordability if you explain it. You don't need to drag him into a refugee camp and discuss starvation for him to get the point that if you have £750 then you can spend it all on one night or go cheaper and have a week.

Ironically, my 6 year old asked if we were rich last night (we are not but comfortable enough to afford things we need without struggling)
My view is that if the discrepancy gets too vast and it impacts him badly I would try and make friends with others with the same means as you. Even as adults, we tend to cluster around people with the same means as it makes things less awkward.
For example I used to hang out with some ladies who were into fine dining spending £150 per head on a meal and I don’t like spending that kind of money on eating out. Also designer handbags was a thing for them at the time and I didn’t have one then. Here I was with my £10 hand bag and they were flaunting their £2k Chanel bag. It just meant we had different priorities and means so it fizzled out and now I’m friends with friends of similar means to me.

Why is a 6 year old meeting friends for coffees

Society is far too materialistic nowadays. I honestly think people were happier when nobody had anything.
As a child our next door neighbours had a bit more money than us, Dad was a self employed tradesman, I remember being envious because their daughter had a Skipper doll and I wanted one. I didn't bother even asking my mother because it would be a big fat no, or you'll have to wait till Christmas. I never did get that Skipper doll 😅
It does children no harm to realise that they can't have everything they want, despite the fact that some do seem to, but that having everything your heart desires doesn't necessarily make you happy!!

Fwiw i thought it was unnecessary and mean spirited to call it a stealth brag. You offered context and reassured OP.

Another vote for over-thinking at that age. Easier said than done but it would be great, over time, for DS to meet people from a range of backgrounds. Sport, church^ etc. often allow this kind of mixing.

^ other religions are available!

My kids are a bit older and they go to school with children from all sorts of backgrounds. I think in your shoes I would encourage playing with and including kids from all backgrounds if at all possible. With an emphasis on the people rather than on what they have. Also be careful how you talk about wealth etc and be careful not to idolise it. I remember walking along the road with a few friends and our kids who were about 5 or 6 at the time. One friend stopped at her car and loaded her child in and my other friend's child looked on in disgust and said loudly 'eugh that car is really old and small'. Her mother was mortified 😆😆😆. My advice is, you can absolutely talk about the difference between things and circumstances but perhaps not in terms of something being better than something else.

BTW I also think it's a bit weird that your friends stayed in a mansion while you stayed elsewhere.

I tried explaining that money isn’t really what matters in life but that went very much over his head.

That's because you should have told the truth and simply said "They have a lot more money than us, therefore they can afford much more expensive things".

You can't make your child mix with people who have 'serious amounts of money', and not explain this 🤷‍♀️

BTW I also think it's a bit weird that your friends stayed in a mansion while you stayed elsewhere.

Me too.

I think the OP should have gone with different friends, rather than stay 'Palace adjacent' with her child 😁

This! You need to tell him some people have more money than you, but also that some people have less. Keep it simple.

"Sorry, but we don't have enough money to pay for that. If we spent all our money on big holiday accommodation, we wouldn't have enough money leftover to pay the bank for when we bought our house or for food and toys."