Friends with money

[the7Vabo]

Posting here for other opinions rather than AIBU if that’s allowed.

Per the title most of our friends have a lot of money and some have serious amounts of money.

My DC are pretty young but recently we went on holidays with friends who have serious money and they rented an amazing mansion and we rented a perfect nice typical holiday home. Five nights in our house cost less than one in theirs to give you an idea of scale.

My DS(6) who never appeared to notice the disparity before has announced (firmly) that he wants to get their house next time we go.

I sense this will be the start of many conversions on the topic.

I tried explaining that money isn’t really what matters in life but that went very much over his head.

We live a nice comfortable but nothing remarkable life. But he has a lovely school, nice room, nice area to play in. He also had a bustling social life - weekends of hobbies and seeing friends for coffees.

I don’t expect a child to be grateful every day of his life but I’d like to raise a child who doesn’t worship money (which at the moment he does!)

I also don’t want him to feel upset or hard done by or that he needs certain material things for his sense of self esteem. It upsets me somewhat thinking about this because even though I didn’t grow up in poverty, I remember the feeling of not having things that other people had and it made be feel like they were better than me. But at the same time now I’m an adult I obviously disagree with that logic! I also get a bit annoyed at him for wanting things when I know it’s normal for a kid.

I have thought of showing him dire poverty but that seems OTT for his age and as bad as it’s sounds I felt there were so many similar charity ads when I was growing up with pictures of babies in Africa I barley registered them.

Any advice on how to approach conversations.

Your son is so little. Of course he likes the fancy place. Everybody likes the fancy place.
I think I was in my twenties before I figured out that there would always be someone more wealthy, more successful, more powerful, more intelligent, more beautiful, and more lucky than I was.
I might’ve been a slow learner, but you know what? It took an enormous amount of pressure off me because I was sooo far from being the richest, most beautiful intelligent girl. lol

You’re “genuinely confused” (🙄 such a passive-aggressive phrase) how my answering the OP’s concern by describing my experience from the opposite side of my kids not noticing material discrepancies might help OP not worry?? I’m “genuinely confused” about why that’s hard to understand.

NB I’m not really confused, I’m perfectly well aware that it was a passive-aggressive dig at me.

I might feel the same if I came to your house OP. It's all relative.

Would you not be worried they’d repeat that to the friends?!

Also my parents were never that good at guiding me re money/career etc when I was a teen. They always told me money doesn't matter. I wish they didn't. Money does matter when you don't have enough!

People saying he won’t understand at 6 are absolutely clueless. My three year old notices disparities between his nursery friends and our household and often makes comments. ‘X has this and a X’ Sorry but I can’t give you any advice these conversations are hard

I’m not really sure why you lashed out. As you’ve just said the same as everyone else. Yes children notice things but they are not money obsessed or hungry. There is a difference.

That would be the risk / trade off of having to tell it like it is. A choice between making your children happier through understanding, or not allowing them the understanding as it risks upsetting the others if repeated out of context.

My mother wouldn't have given the latter a second thought, if she knew what she was telling us was true.

Meh. There's always going to be someone with more than you and some with less 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm more worried about your 6yr old drinking coffee tbh!

Our son's best mate since the cradle was the "rich kid," and our son spent loads of time with his family (and vice versa). There was the occasional moan such as "why don't we have a holiday house in Norfolk," but it was easy enough to explain that different families can have different amounts of money available for this stuff.

We have to put him in private so he's not with his older brother who's in the public. No other option.

My 9 yea old loves going to a friends’ house because he has a ds instead of an x box and they always get a certain type of crisps. When I say well s ask him over and get those crisps he says he doesn’t like them at home as much so it’s something we’ll never win!! I’d honestly not get too worried about it, I’d frame it more in a ‘everyone has different homes and holidays’ so he doesn’t get into the ‘they’re so rich’ thing

I think as parents we are responsible for teaching gratefulness, for shaping their character. Have you explained why envy is fruitless and self destructive? Do you model this attitude? Or are you and/or DH also commenting on how nice/luxurious/OTT the other house is, does he overhear you wishing you were wealthier?

I'd tell him the other house is lovely, agree it would be great to holiday there. Don't say you don't have enough money or they're silly to splash out, say something neutral but honest eg you think it's a bit bigger than you need, maybe you'll get somewhere like that if you go away in a big family group or with friends?

Broaden your social circle to include other people from other backgrounds. If you raise your children in a bubble of affluence where you are at the lowest level, you're going to encounter this time and again. Branch out so your child can meet fun happy people who are living good lives without serious or lots of money.

Agree with getting them involved with budgeting. My dad used to come home with his pay packet and mum and dad would sit with me and help me count out money to go into various tins - one for food, one for electricity etc. I’ve always been perceptive and knew from very young that my parents didn’t have a lot of money, without them saying it. All our needs were met but not our wants, and I so I never asked for things that I knew would have been a stretch.

A lot of my school friends had stuff I didn’t and would have liked. I was fine, it’s one of the first life lessons in not getting everything you want.

Don't destroy their innocence. It's perfectly ok for kids to think that it would be cool to have a swimming-pool, a bowling-alley, a trampoline or whatever their richer friends have. Let's be honest, it is pretty cool. And we're not failing as parents just because our kids covet cool stuff that other people have. It's normal.

One of my DC's friends has horses and a swimming-pool. My DC is scared of horses so no issues there but he would quite like the swimming-pool. We've been swimming there a few times and I just say when DC raises it "Yeah, it would be so nice to have a swimming-pool like Tom does, but our house is too small. Maybe we could flood the kitchen?" And that makes my DC laugh. And then I point out that the public pool is 15 minutes away and would DC like to go swimming at the weekend? And maybe DC can have his own swimming-pool when he's grown up. End of issue.

This was my first thought too 😂

I don’t think it’s telling it like it is to teach your kids to feel better about material things they don’t have by identifying subjective things to feel superior to their friends about, especially not things that are personal or hurtful. Telling it like it is would be being matter of fact about people having different financial situations and making different choices and then leaving it there. Saying “I bet your friends wish they had a daddy like yours who has time to play with you” isn’t giving them understanding of anything - it’s almost certainly not true, it’s judgemental, it reinforces comparison and envy, and it has potential to come back to bite both you and your child.

I agree with this.

And often rich children have perfectly nice parents who aren't overly stressed, play with them loads and do lovely things with them. So often it's a lie anyway.

Better just to tell it like it is - some people have more than others and that's just life. But we (and for many families, this will be true) are fortunate compared to others who have less, so although it might not always feel like it, there isn't all that much to complain about and best just to enjoy what we do have.

at 6yo you don't need to overthink it. But in future i probably wouldn't holiday with people where difference in money causes discomfort.

God I still think French fancies are the very pinnacle of class in cakes.

It was bound to happen. Teenagers are always impressed by money. It doesn't mean they don't want their life.

Most children prefer to go to the other house as it’s different and more fun.

Well they are.