Friends with money

[the7Vabo]

Posting here for other opinions rather than AIBU if that’s allowed.

Per the title most of our friends have a lot of money and some have serious amounts of money.

My DC are pretty young but recently we went on holidays with friends who have serious money and they rented an amazing mansion and we rented a perfect nice typical holiday home. Five nights in our house cost less than one in theirs to give you an idea of scale.

My DS(6) who never appeared to notice the disparity before has announced (firmly) that he wants to get their house next time we go.

I sense this will be the start of many conversions on the topic.

I tried explaining that money isn’t really what matters in life but that went very much over his head.

We live a nice comfortable but nothing remarkable life. But he has a lovely school, nice room, nice area to play in. He also had a bustling social life - weekends of hobbies and seeing friends for coffees.

I don’t expect a child to be grateful every day of his life but I’d like to raise a child who doesn’t worship money (which at the moment he does!)

I also don’t want him to feel upset or hard done by or that he needs certain material things for his sense of self esteem. It upsets me somewhat thinking about this because even though I didn’t grow up in poverty, I remember the feeling of not having things that other people had and it made be feel like they were better than me. But at the same time now I’m an adult I obviously disagree with that logic! I also get a bit annoyed at him for wanting things when I know it’s normal for a kid.

I have thought of showing him dire poverty but that seems OTT for his age and as bad as it’s sounds I felt there were so many similar charity ads when I was growing up with pictures of babies in Africa I barley registered them.

Any advice on how to approach conversations.

I agree you're overthinking. The house sounds amazing, of course your DS would prefer to stay in it. You don't need to go further than "we can't afford that".

We live close to my DSis, and her family has a lot more money than us. It usually doesn't come up, but when it does (such as why we're never going to be going to Lapland like his cousins) DS1(5) is pretty accepting of the fact that we can't afford it and some people have more money than others.

He gets pocket money, which I think helps his conception of money a bit.

He's not 'worshipping money' - he's seeing things that look great/fun and wanting them, nothing to do with their cost. I think you're being hard on him really, you're choosing to holiday with people who have access to higher cost resources which is providing the contrast for your kid, either explain it honestly or don't holiday with them.

Trying to get him to feel like 'money doesn't matter' when it's not money he's interested in but the more toys/swimming pool etc is just unfair. if they had a £1 tub of bubbles and he didn't he would want it, he's just a kid.

I think you're projecting on to him a bit, it's making you feel a certain way and you're annoyed at yourself for feeling that way so you're over correcting him. Nothing wrong with him wanting it, but he can also enjoy what he does have without feeling guilt for also appreciating bigger shinier things.

I've said to my kids in the past 'oh well if you want a swimming pool in your garden/pony etc you'll have to make sure you get a really good job one day so you can have that' normally they then say never mind 😂

Is there a typo here, no 6 year old meets friends for coffees, and no six year old worships money. It’s not possible. They may want the nice stuff money can buy, but that’s not worshipping money.

What everyone else said. You’re projecting. And no, don’t do some kind of poverty tourism safari to a food bank to teach him about ‘dire poverty’. Inequality isn’t there to be a teaching opportunity for your six year old.

I think it’s odd that you went on holiday with a family who stayed in a completely different place to yours.

I’m also surprised he is so money aware at the age of 6 and the other poster who said her son was crying under the bed. Is he really conscious yet that other people are richer than his family? I would definitely play it down and reinforce how lucky you are that you have all the basics that you need.

There is nothing wrong with being told the very simple truth. “Sorry but I cannot afford that”.

I heard it lots growing up, it was important for me to understand that concept.

Absolutely, no 6 year old money worships, I’m agog the op even wrote that. She’s clearly feeling a certain way and projecting onto her own kid and taking it out on him. All the little boy said was he wanted to stay in that house next time, fair enough, most kids, and adults likely would.

A simple 'we can't afford that, we want to spend our money on xxx instead' is enough.

hi op!

yeap. Tough one.
honestly, transparency is the best I think. They have stuff you won’t have. You have stuff they won’t have. Stuff doesn’t have to be material…
maybe try to get away from what is material (if he can never « win » there) and go create the bigger pic of what you thrive for/try to emulate in your lo’s life? that would create the value you are looking for.

as in terms of talking about money, he isn’t too young to hear that others may have more than him and it is ok. That you guys work hard for him and that it is expected for him to be grateful for this so « thank you » is all you want. It could also be a good starting convo about how to deal with money and « how you got to have all these stuff he enjoys… » and that it will be up to him to create that financially safe place for his future children…etc…

good luck 🌺

I loved my friends house when I was young because their sofa was squashy and ours wasn’t and her mum bought findus crispy pancakes and pies that we were allowed to cook in the oven ourselves

Why shouldn’t people be proud of having a top notch lifestyle?

My closest mum friends had money. Horses and a lovely houses, trips to US Disney (back in the very early 90s), private schools. Their DH's were away from home a lot though (or even if in the country, didn't get home from London until after the kids bedtimes). In one case the kids' school was a half hour drive away from home, and my friend bemoaned that her children had no local friends to have playdates with.

I only recall my two commenting once, but I said that their friends probably wished that they had daddys like theirs, who had time to play with them and read them bedtime stories. And mentioned the boys who didn't have friends outside school to play with like they did.

Everyone's lives are different, and though not everyone can find pluses to their rich friends' minuses, if they're there, it's worth pointing them out to your kids.

That reminds me how much I coveted my friends having shop bought cakes! My mum wouldn't have dreamed of ever buying them. She cooked or baked everything from scratch.
I was in heaven when my friends' mums served up Mr Kipling french fancies!

@Catza I grew up in poverty and I remember feeling left out well, however, I also always had a sense of family finances so knew that I couldn't really assertively ask for anything even at that age.

I love this comment. While I didn't grow up in poverty, my mum didn't work, so with three kids and one income, money was tight.

We never had holidays abroad, like some people- we always stayed in UK. We were always behind with "technology" (only getting a colour TV in the late 80s, when everyone else was onto video recorders). Our house wasn't posh.

But then even from a very early age I was aware that some families didn't have cars, or telephones, or automatic washing machines, or freezers (we had all that), some houses were never as clean as ours, some never saw much of their parents as they both worked (which I knew allowed them to have more & better "things"), and two families I knew didn't have mums as theirs had died young.

I don't know how the concept of give & take and action & consequence in that context was instilled in me, but it really was.

We are a typical middle class family, my daughter is 11 and her BFF who she has been friends with since she was 2 is super rich, completely polls apart and whilst we can’t afford 5 holidays a year, there relationship is so precious as we both do different things with the girls and if something was too expensive then I would be able to say to the BFF’s mum I can’t afford that.
In fact in the last couple of years their business has done exceptionally well and has been mentioned in both the national & international press and the as it does these things get out and what is sad, is that the kids are embarrassed by their parents wealth and apart from a couple of friends actively avoid inviting friends over to their house because it’s so different to their peers. My daughter loves going for a swim in their pool and hanging out there but equally the girls are happy to go to the local swimming pool and hang out at are house.

seeing friends for coffees

At the age of 6?!

Unless I've misunderstood and it's you you're talking about "seeing friends for coffees".

I've never seen a child of 6 being given coffee, and I'm talking as a mum of an adult now.

Anyway, sorry for derailing your thread OP.

I agree with PP there is a lot of projection going on here.

He probably loved the fact the big house had a football table, or a pool. Have you asked him what exactly he liked about it? If he says because it was bigger, the obvious answer is “so what?” He’s six. He’s not been admiring the floor tiles, beams and fireplaces has he?

Unless all that coffee has really affected him 😂

I think a mix of showing the kids dire poverty and getting them to understand that hard work beats being given fortunes from distant relatives will do it.

I agree with those that say it is odd to go on holiday with people and stay in very different accommodation. In our friendship group where there is a divide in income we either all stay in the cheaper accommodation or the wealthier people pay more so we all stay the same (if they want to, no pressure). I don’t think I would take my child on a holiday where they would automatically feel like the “poor” relations.

This is why most people tend to move in the same socio-economic groups.

My DS 11 has friends who lives in council estates AND friends with big houses with pool etc. Well, he wanted us to move to the council estate because all those kids have friends nearby and can just pop over to see them😀..

I am quite worried at the lack of diversity in secondary though as he will go from public to private...

My Bil is filthy rich and his family always go on wild holidays like safari or Japan or whatever. I've tried to explain to my DS that we just can't afford more than a week away in Greece per year because we just don't have that kind of money. He told me maybe I should try to get it from the bank😁🙃..

That was my first thought too.

I think it's good to introduce power and privilege in age appropriate ways as children grow but at six I'd focus on conversations about his values and process and never mention material possessions or outcomes. The aim being to nurture a strong sense of being good enough as I am and not needing to strive to be or have anything external to make me feel OK.

How did your context help OP? Not having a go, genuinely confused.

It’s funny how all these parents worried about ‘diversity’ still put their kids in private school.

Other kids are not there to round out private school kids.