Our dad vs. My father

[Qanat53]

AINBU - to think my adult stepsister has an issue (with me)? Or trying to manipulate situation somehow which I’m not seeing

AIBU - and she is totally normal (I’m unreasonable thinking she had issue w me & dad)

I am one of several children from my dad’s first Marriage.
X is my half-sister from his second, and last marriage. X is 6 yrs younger than me.

I spent weekends, holidays with step family until I was started a weekend job at 16. I am not estranged from X. As she is 6 years younger and I went to Uni, then moved to City, and she then Uni and job elsewhere. We didn’t really see each other often for a long stretch.

She has now married and moved to my city, she almost moved across the street from me, and thankfully that fell thru. She moved few miles away, and put her son in same nursery as mine even though it’s a drive and there are many other nurseries nearer her (nursey is short walk to my house). Feeling like she wants closeness and I’m happy to start an adult friendship with her.

Our dad died few years ago.

The issue, is when we talk. I refer to our shared dad, as Dad. “Do you Remember when Dad …”.
She ALWAYS refers to him in conversation with me as “My father” - “Do you Remember when my father …”. It’s “my father this & my father that”. Clearly excluding me.

I get a bit tongue ties with her now, not know what to say so we aren’t “dueling” linguistically about our shared bio dad. She seems oblivious to my sharing our dad when we talk, I keep thinking she will start saying “our” father. I’ve introduced her to friends, and she does same leading friends to think we don’t shared a dad. After explaining, my friends think she is diminishing me, minimizing me to dominate while also pushing in with nursery, trying to move close to my home. They all think something not quite right.

Our dad, is the one undeniable thing that connects us.

AIBU - and she’s got no daddy issues with me.

AINBU - she has daddy issues, be careful

It might not be deliberate. She might be used to talking about him like that that it's an unthinking habit rather than a deliberate slight. What does she do when you correct her?

Yeah it’s odd. It’s like she doesn’t view you as her bio sister - which she is

I'm not seeing the issue really unless you make it an issue. You say 'our dad', she wants to say, 'my father' or father/dad as it were. I'd shrug, look amused and just carry on with conversation as usual. If a 3rd party asks you or her who is the other's dad?, it's your SS that will look foolish. She's not undermining you unless you feel there's reason to be. You know the man in question is your shared dad, she's just being silly.

I don’t directly correct her, but will respond with “our dad” in the dialogue. She continues with My father. Seems to not notice at all, but I would, it’s like getting someone’s name wrong over and over.

Following her pattern, I’d have to say “your father” or “ our father” which is so prayer-like…. we never called him Father, he was always always dad.

I think I would have noticed if she called him Father to his face, he was just not the guy you called Father!

And yet you're the one who keeps calling her a stepsister / stepfamily when you're half bio-related...

Honestly, I think the fact that your Dad died a few years ago and she's desperately trying to connect with you are probably related.

Given that she's seeking out this relationship with you, I doubt she has any kind of sinister intentions.

She would have grown up in many ways like an only child given the step relationship and the age gap. I expect "my father" is just how she's used to saying it.

FWIW , my Dad died a few years ago. But I still talk about "my Mum and Dad's house" although it's just my Mum's now, and going to see "my parents". It's just habit.

Where is she from?
I have family in south Yorkshire and they do this. Even when siblings are talking between themselves they'll "my dad phoned" or "when I spoke to my dad" etc.
Never known anything like it, wondered if it was regional maybe?

I do normally describe her as 1/2 sister, but recently learned that saying “half-“ was not PC. Didn’t want to offend.
(Yet her mum, is my step mother. )

Thank you for pointing out that difference between step & half, sorry if anyone is confused.

Are there other younger siblings? Just thinking to her it may have felt like she was more of an only child if she grew up with older half siblings only being around occasionally. She may not also have the bound siblings have when talking to each other about parents shared memories. I would say you remember when Dad did X, but I’d also say, remember when me Dad did this. Same with my siblings. None of us would take offence at referring to him as me (my) Dad.

My DH is 6 years younger than his sister, because of the age gap she regularly says sometimes it was like DH was an only child as he was the only one at home and they are full siblings.

She would have had a very different relationship with him than you being the youngest and living with him full time.

As for the Father thing, everyone is different. I never ever in my life called my grandmothers grandma, granny, gran or grandmother but when talking about them I refer to them as “my grandmother”.

I think you should just ask her why she does this. We can all have opinions but only she can really say. I do think it's very odd though.

She has an older brother.
Maybe, from my side, I always considered her one of US - “the kids”, but she didn’t.

I sometimes say things like that when talking with my full sister, no familial issues at all, I just momentarily forget the relationship of whom I'm talking to. Or I might say 'my sister and I sent to see my gran', of course she's her gran too but I just am used to saying 'my gran'.

We are 4 full siblings to same parents. When we talk about DF we all say my father - when we talk about DM we say my mum. Nothing untoward just the way we say it.

I always say “my dad” or “my mum” when talking to my brother. My mum was the same with her brother - maybe a regional
linguist tic? It certainly isn’t that I don’t think they are equally his parents

Can you remember what she called him when you were younger? If you were staying with them at the weekend, would she say, eg, "go and ask dad"? Or something else?

Maybe because you didn't live together/see much of her, she's just not used to referring to him as "dad" when talking to you (which would be more normal when talking to a sibling than saying "our dad"). So she talks about him in the same way she does to people outside the family (hence the 'my'). I would imagine this would be particularly the case if she's talking about things that happened when you weren't there.

Or maybe she called him "daddy" or something else to his face and finds this awkward/embarrassing so reverts to something more formal when talking about him?

That’s funny.

im from Glasgow and had the opposite happen. My verryyy posh university friend used to say to me things like, “dad was telling me…”

not “my dad” and I always found it weird - we don’t share a dad!

It might just be how she has always referred to him. My husband found it very amusing that I and my sisters would talk to each other about " my father"/my mother".

It might just be the way she speaks. Why don't you just ask her why she refers to your dad as my father instead of our father when talking to you? She might not even realise she's doing it.

sounds like you are overthinking it. I and my 2 full siblings always say “My mum phoned” or “my dad said” or “mum phoned / dad said” - never occurred to any of us to use “our” mum or “our” dad

She may not even realise she’s doing it, or that it’s an issue.

Thats not the issue!

Linguistically its not correct to say “my dad/my mum” to a full sibling. Its not necessary because the parent is shared and there can only be one referent. To add “my” is pretty odd and even hostile as the shared parent belongs equally to all the full siblings.

In colloquial English you can drop the word my/our and just say “dad called/mum called” because its clear who you are talking about and the relationship is made clear by the term itself.

Sometimes a professional (doctor, teacher) will use the kinship term instead of the name “The dad, your dad, her dad” are all correct. Or if they are notifying you of something and speaking familiarly they could say “dad called” and you would know from context they meant your dad or some specific dad.

But if my brother referred to “my father/my mother” in a conversation about our shared lives and childhood it would be very strange and culturally incorrect.

You’re the one referring to your half-sister as a stepsister. If anyone’s being weird in this situation, its you, @Qanat53 .

Do you refer to her as a “stepsister” or “half sister” within her earshot?