Our dad vs. My father

[Qanat53]

AINBU - to think my adult stepsister has an issue (with me)? Or trying to manipulate situation somehow which I’m not seeing

AIBU - and she is totally normal (I’m unreasonable thinking she had issue w me & dad)

I am one of several children from my dad’s first Marriage.
X is my half-sister from his second, and last marriage. X is 6 yrs younger than me.

I spent weekends, holidays with step family until I was started a weekend job at 16. I am not estranged from X. As she is 6 years younger and I went to Uni, then moved to City, and she then Uni and job elsewhere. We didn’t really see each other often for a long stretch.

She has now married and moved to my city, she almost moved across the street from me, and thankfully that fell thru. She moved few miles away, and put her son in same nursery as mine even though it’s a drive and there are many other nurseries nearer her (nursey is short walk to my house). Feeling like she wants closeness and I’m happy to start an adult friendship with her.

Our dad died few years ago.

The issue, is when we talk. I refer to our shared dad, as Dad. “Do you Remember when Dad …”.
She ALWAYS refers to him in conversation with me as “My father” - “Do you Remember when my father …”. It’s “my father this & my father that”. Clearly excluding me.

I get a bit tongue ties with her now, not know what to say so we aren’t “dueling” linguistically about our shared bio dad. She seems oblivious to my sharing our dad when we talk, I keep thinking she will start saying “our” father. I’ve introduced her to friends, and she does same leading friends to think we don’t shared a dad. After explaining, my friends think she is diminishing me, minimizing me to dominate while also pushing in with nursery, trying to move close to my home. They all think something not quite right.

Our dad, is the one undeniable thing that connects us.

AIBU - and she’s got no daddy issues with me.

AINBU - she has daddy issues, be careful

OK, so the oddest thing about her language then is the use of the word "father". If she is saying father then, just like you said, maybe it feels odd/prayer like to say "our father" so she is saying "my father" instead. As to why she is saying father not dad there could be 100 reasons - maybe she wants to look more grown up, maybe she is distancing herself as a way of coping with his loss, maybe its a weird verbal tic she picked up subconsciously from someone she wanted to emulate.

For reference, I can remember once in a taxi with my sisters referring to my mum as "my mum" in response to a question from the taxi driver. My sister said "excuse me, I think you'll find its our mum". We are full sisters, very close in age who grew up together. It was just that I had got used to talking to other people without my family around and saying "my." It didn't mean anything but it did sound odd so my sister pointed it out. So she doesn't necessarily mean anything by it - maybe she does. But the only way you can really know is if you correct her. Not in a confrontational way. But just saying our dad and hoping she notices isn't going to work.

It could be a regional thing, or she could be mimicking someone, her mum? who may have spoken about her own parents in that way, so she grew up hearing that form of language. Maybe?

Good idea, need for it to occur organically in convo.

I had great opportunity a while back, which is an example to me of this topic.

She said, about my son, “He looks so much like my father did when he was young”

My reply was like “Yes, like in that old photo of dad on the beach”
It was a light conversation, I should have said “Yes, like my father too! … For a moment it sounded like we have different dads!!”

She’s six years younger than you and you only spent time as a family at weekends and holidays until you stopped when you were 16, so she was 10. Therefore for most of her life he was just her father as you weren’t in the picture. My brother and I only share a father and there’s a bigger age gap between us (I’m the youngest) but the difference is that he lived with us full time. We never refer to each other as half, we’re simply brother and sister.

Sorry, I thought clarifying the family situation would explain the nuance of the situation. Of course, I consider her my sister. It’s possible, that right now, she doesn’t consider me in same way.

Point is, my language includes her. Our dad, or dad.
Her language excludes me. “My father”

Starting to feel like a pronoun issue!!!

"She said, about my son, “He looks so much like my father did when he was young”"

That's a very odd thing to say if she didn't consider you part of the family or her father's daughter. She was literally drawing attention to the genetic link between all of you. I am not saying she isn't trying to make a point, because that's impossible to tell online. I just don't think, based on the information you gave, its that likely. All of her actions, and topics of conversations, point the other way. So I do think that it is more likely just she has a weird way of phrasing things.

I think you are right to plan to bring it up organically next time she does it. But if I was you I wouldn't overthink it in the interim.

Well you don't seem to know the difference between a half sister and a step sister so..

I say “ my mum” with stepsister that I have little contact with, but who is a daughter to her too. As we are mostly estranged, whenever I’m talking about mum over the years it’s ‘my mum’. I do try and say “mum” without the “my” during the contact I have with SS but mostly I don’t out of pure habit. The majority of times I’m telling a story about mum it’s to friends or wider family and I use “my”.

OP was/is her half sister, not her step sister.

I don’t see my (full) brother that often. Every now and again in conversation he’ll refer to one of our parents as “my Mum” or “my Dad”.

I jokingly pick him up on it and it usually emerges that it’s because he has told the same anecdote to someone outside the family, or to his wife, and he has just slipped into the same mode. Completely inadvertent. He hasn’t forgotten that I’m his sister or we share our parents.

Your half sister has probably commented to lots of third parties that her son “looks so much like my father”..

It's a bit odd... like when you are both chatting about him, surely he is just "Dad" (it doesn't sound like she called him Father?). So normally, siblings would say "your son looks like Dad" or "remember when we went to London with Dad"

Even if you were talking about your mums, both of you know you're referring to your own mother, there wouldn't be any confusion. If you said "I saw Mum the other day" - she'd know you meant your mother, not hers.

I think it's strange that she pointedly says "my father"

I'd probably ask her in a "you might not even notice you do this, but why do you call Dad "my father" instead of just "Dad"?" way

Goodness- just next time she says it in private, say, calmly and unaggressively,

"You know when you say 'my father' it sounds like we have different fathers. I feel a bit excluded. Id prefer you say 'our father'." Then smile. And carry on. But even if she wants to change, it's a set in habit so don't expect her to switch suddenly.

I think almost certainly she's totally unconscious of it. She grew up without you in the home a lot, so it's not unnatural she thinks about her relationship with him on an individual level. And what she is saying is not inaccurate. 'My father' and 'our father' are both correct, it's just a framing.

In terms of father/dad that's her prerogative and not a big deal. It would be bonkers for her to think you should call him father, and equally bonkers for you to have an issue the other way around.

As for her use of father, my brother since his teens referred to our parents as mother and father, still does. I think some people hear it and think it’s nicer or more appropriate or their thing no more than that.

My oldest dd started calling DH and I father and mother, no idea where it came from. My middle has started to copy her but youngest still calls us Mummy and Daddy. Both DH and I use Mum and Dad with our parents and assumed that’s the route our DDs would go down after the mummy daddy stage, but so far we are getting mother and father which is fine.

If you share the same mum.you are half sisters ,step sisters are not biologically related

We aren’t biologically related. Step sister calls her mum as she’s a mother figure to her and has raised her.

I think it is instinctive for children with siblings to say our dad, but those that grow up as an only child (or effectively an only child) are more likely to say my dad. There might also be a vernacular from her mother or her friends where they all refer to dads as my father. The fact that your sister (half-sister) wanted to live really close and is using the same nursery clearly demonstrates that she wants you as her big sister. She is probably completely oblivious to the pronouns she is using and would be mortified if she knew how you felt. I think deep down you are missing your dad and wishing you had spent more time with him when you were young - which of course this sister did. I think this is what is making you extra sensitive. If I were you, I'd have a reminiscing dad session with her over a bottle of wine where you can gently reveal what you are feeling and talk about it together.

So when I talk to my siblings, I just say “mum” or “dad”. So “mum said XYZ”, and so on.

When it comes to anyone else, even if my siblings are with me, I always say “my mum”. Not sure why, it’s just what I say. Even if my siblings are all sitting together with just one other person, I will still say “my mum” rather than “our mum”.

My mother and her siblings all do this and they share both parents. I wouldn't read too much into it. Might just be a habit.

I always refer to my brother as “my brother” and sometimes friends or family members who also know him or have another connection with him correct me. It is something that just never crosses my mind and I don’t notice!
Why not mention it to her in a lighthearted way?

Often when people die people talk about them as my whatever, in that they’re recalling their own memories of that person that no one else is part of. This is probably what’s happening here.

You know her best and will know if it is deliberate and intended to be hurtful or just careless.

Well, I don’t understand why you haven’t addressed this with her?

I have half siblings and we always talk about “dad”. If any of them started saying My father, they would be pulled up on it immediately “why did you say that” when he’s our dad?

If you share the same Dad then you are not 'step-sisters'!!

I think you are over thinking this. I often call my parents " my mum or my dad" when i am talking to my sibling, sometimes it's just Dad or Mum and sometimes it's our Dad or our Mum, my Brother does the same.

"WTF would you describe your blood sister as HALF? I hope you don't do that in real life. Your half sister is your sister period.
If you were to call me half you'd get half the love. And not only that you'd go on to further downgrade her and call her a step sister . . . . shocking, I think you're the one with an issue. Why don't you ask her if it bothers you - or you could follow her lead and also say My Father."

@coupdetonnerre, why are you so angry about this?

She calls her HALF sister because they share one parent.

Full sister would share both parents.

I don't understand why this is contentious?

I knew one person who made a big deal out of "we don't do "halves! Just siblings!" but she was involved in a hellish blended family that was utterly chaotic and not healthy for any of the poor kids.

Just wondering why you seem so against the half sister thing, when it is exactly what she is?

Half sister vs sister is about context.

In some conversations the listener does not need to know the details of parentage. Same as you would not generally say “my adopted sister”. In other contexts, such as the OP, the parentage is relevant so you use the factual title.

I can see it might be considered insulting if the “half” is used when the parentage is not relevant to the subject being discussed.

My brother and I do this all the time. We have siblings from our mums so it's perfectly normal and usual to refer to "my" dad to our siblings because most of our siblings, or the siblings we see the most don't share a father with us.

Even SIL will say "names dad" when talking about our dad, becuase she's used to that phrasing.