Our dad vs. My father

[Qanat53]

AINBU - to think my adult stepsister has an issue (with me)? Or trying to manipulate situation somehow which I’m not seeing

AIBU - and she is totally normal (I’m unreasonable thinking she had issue w me & dad)

I am one of several children from my dad’s first Marriage.
X is my half-sister from his second, and last marriage. X is 6 yrs younger than me.

I spent weekends, holidays with step family until I was started a weekend job at 16. I am not estranged from X. As she is 6 years younger and I went to Uni, then moved to City, and she then Uni and job elsewhere. We didn’t really see each other often for a long stretch.

She has now married and moved to my city, she almost moved across the street from me, and thankfully that fell thru. She moved few miles away, and put her son in same nursery as mine even though it’s a drive and there are many other nurseries nearer her (nursey is short walk to my house). Feeling like she wants closeness and I’m happy to start an adult friendship with her.

Our dad died few years ago.

The issue, is when we talk. I refer to our shared dad, as Dad. “Do you Remember when Dad …”.
She ALWAYS refers to him in conversation with me as “My father” - “Do you Remember when my father …”. It’s “my father this & my father that”. Clearly excluding me.

I get a bit tongue ties with her now, not know what to say so we aren’t “dueling” linguistically about our shared bio dad. She seems oblivious to my sharing our dad when we talk, I keep thinking she will start saying “our” father. I’ve introduced her to friends, and she does same leading friends to think we don’t shared a dad. After explaining, my friends think she is diminishing me, minimizing me to dominate while also pushing in with nursery, trying to move close to my home. They all think something not quite right.

Our dad, is the one undeniable thing that connects us.

AIBU - and she’s got no daddy issues with me.

AINBU - she has daddy issues, be careful

i have numerous step and half siblings. I definitely sometimes will accidentally say ‘my dad’ to one of my half-sisters I share my dad with, because I’ve been talking to my other half-sister I share my mum with, and vice versa. It’s not on purpose, it can just be difficult keeping it all straight with so many of us!
I would just ask her straight out next time she does it, ‘do you know you always refer to dad as your dad not our dad?’ and see what she says, if it’s on purpose you’ll soon see from how she reacts.

Ignore the attackers.

But I do think you just need to be honest with her. Just ask her “What is up with all this “my father” stuff? Isn’t he our shared parent? Isn’t the fact we share our dad why we are trying to have a closer sister relationship? Help me understand?”

But op calls her 'step sister' so doesn't view as bio?

It could be accidental. My sister and I will quite often say my mum/dad when speaking to each other. If you get on otherwise I would have one conversation with her about it and see if that changes things.

I think you’re reading way too much into this, especially given you’ve said she’s been making efforts to form a relationship with you.

Use of my dad/ our dad/ dad or any other variation is just a learned pattern of speech that varies by location & family; there isn’t one correct way to say it. I grew up in the American south and it’s common there for people to refer to their dad with no possessive article even when talking to strangers… “Afternoon! Daddy sent me to pick up his grocery order, it should be under David Green.” Others do this only within the immediate family and say “my dad” outside of it. Others use “our dad” with siblings but “my dad” to others, while some say “my dad” when talking to everyone.

That said, I will also echo what some others have said about using stepsister in your title. It was a very distancing (and inaccurate) word choice rather than just putting sister and explaining details within the post. If you’re interested in a relationship with your sister (I really can’t tell from your post if you are to be honest) it might be best to focus on how you can really work towards that on your own end, rather than watching for slights.

"Not PC"? It's a fact. She's your half sister, you share one biological parent. Stepsister would mean you aren't related except through your parents' marriage. How on earth can it be offensive to be accurate?

On topic, I always refer to my late father as Father, not Dad, but that's because I despise him. My sister refers to him as Dad. Does your sister dislike him?

I've also seen "my father/my mother" used in older writing - I think it's in Pride and Prejudice, for example, when Lizzie's talking to her sisters.

I don't get the issue because I say my dad/mum because they are it is a fact, why on earth is that a problem?

It's just a different form of English.

One of my teachers was very hot on not saying 'Dad' or 'step dad' or anything other than 'my father'. Maybe she had a similar English teacher.

Thank you for your lesson in the use of the English language. Clearly I must let my siblings and other friends who live locally know that we are all using our established local colloquial language incorrectly, are being hostile to each other and must reassess our use of language to each other.

In colloquial English you can in fact use any form as that is the point of it - it doesn’t follow set “rules”

I do this when talking to my sibling. We grew up in the sane house and share the same parents. Their partner sniggers sometimes when I do it and it's become a bit of a joke. I don't know why, completely thoughtless, no intentions attached.

Linguistically its not correct to say “my dad/my mum” to a full sibling. Its not necessary because the parent is shared and there can only be one referent. To add “my” is pretty odd and even hostile as the shared parent belongs equally to all the full siblings...

But if my brother referred to “my father/my mother” in a conversation about our shared lives and childhood it would be very strange and culturally incorrect.

Yet Jane Austen does this all the time. For example, in chapter 47 of Pride and Prejudice there is a conversation between Jane and Lizzie Bennet (who are full and affectionate sisters) in which Lizzie asks "Is my father in town?" And another in which she asks "And my mother - how is she?" To which Jane replies "My mother is tolerably well".

I therefore suspect that this used to be the common approach and that, although it has died out in many areas, it remains in others.

Apologies: should have changed formatting in the first two paras of my last post to be clear that I was quoting @pikkumyy77

I agree. I would never say "my father" to my siblings, it would be downright weird. I'd normally just say "dad" to them, or "our dad" if speaking to others when they are present.

I'd only say "my dad" if speaking to e.g. a colleague, when my siblings are nowhere near and not part of the conversation.

Whether it's deliberate or subconscious, she views him as her dad, not yours.

I doubt it's deliberate.

She's six years younger and growing up in the household he was just her Dad as her brother had a different Dad.

Sounds like she wants a closer relationship with you. I'd ask her about why she chooses the language to describe him.

I still call my father dad and my sister switched to baba for some reason. Full sisters despite my attempts to give her away when she was born. However both parents turn into the sole property of the other sibling when they annoy us.

is it really such a big deal? Cause you sound a bit… touchy and hypervigilant. If she’s making a statement it will come out eventually but I think it’s best to assume innocence.

mind, the way you’ve collated things she’s done makes you sound not quite so open to her

Maybe she had an issue with your dad so feels My Father is the way she can talk about him. I'd just leave it.

I spent weekends, holidays with step family until I was started a weekend job at 16. I am not estranged from X. As she is 6 years younger and I went to Uni, then moved to City, and she then Uni and job elsewhere. We didn’t really see each other often for a long stretch.

I don’t claim to know how the dynamics of a blended family works but from birth to 10 X would have her ‘normal’ home life with you dropped off for weekends and holidays and then she had her father back to herself. She probably sees him as her father and your dad. As for her use of father, my brother since his teens referred to our parents as mother and father, still does. I think some people hear it and think it’s nicer or more appropriate or their thing no more than that.

She probably got used to saying "my Mother" and carried it over to "my father".

I don’t think I could get worked up about this. Her ‘trying to push in’ with the nursery is bonkers. She probably chose it because your children went there. It’s nice for the cousins to be together.

My sister and I are full siblings and occasionally one of us will say “my mum/dad”. The other will just point it out in a jokey way and move on. I also only refer to my parents as Mum/Dad to my DH because I can’t be arsed to say my mum/dad. He knows they’re not his parents and does the same when referring to his own parents.

Try not to get so focused on how other people speak. It’s rarely intentional in my experience.

If it’s a regional thing did she pick it up at uni? I picked up a few weird words/ways of speaking from housemates that don’t fit my usual dialect, I just liked them so I’ve borrowed them indefinitely!

Half sister is non PC? Are you sure you're not confusing it with the phrase once used to describe people of mixed heritage? Should we be calling our half siblings - sister of mixed parentage or something?!

Maybe her Mum referred to him as 'your father' so she has naturally picked up 'my father'... my husband used to switch between father and dad, even when speaking directly, he'd answer the phone to him saying 'hello Father' but then say 'bye Dad' at the end...

It is because you didnt live together growing up. He was never our dad. He was her father to her growing up and you were her step sister.

It's possible she had or has her own pains but I'd just go down the route of letting it be rather than pushing this point.

Can you start saying my father back and gauge her reaction? Every time she says my father you do it. If she doesn't notice it's probably not something she's picking up on.

She is your half sister. It’s fine to recognise that, same as it’s fine to just call siblings, half, step and/or full as just ‘siblings’.

It may be that as she wasn’t raised full time with you that she doesn’t see you as a sibling in the same way she does her full sibling, or that she’s used to differentiating ‘my mother’ so she just, through habit, does the same for father.

That said, my full brother and I will do the same at times - sometimes it’s ‘my papa’, and other times it’s just ‘papa’. It isn’t deep.