Our dad vs. My father

[Qanat53]

AINBU - to think my adult stepsister has an issue (with me)? Or trying to manipulate situation somehow which I’m not seeing

AIBU - and she is totally normal (I’m unreasonable thinking she had issue w me & dad)

I am one of several children from my dad’s first Marriage.
X is my half-sister from his second, and last marriage. X is 6 yrs younger than me.

I spent weekends, holidays with step family until I was started a weekend job at 16. I am not estranged from X. As she is 6 years younger and I went to Uni, then moved to City, and she then Uni and job elsewhere. We didn’t really see each other often for a long stretch.

She has now married and moved to my city, she almost moved across the street from me, and thankfully that fell thru. She moved few miles away, and put her son in same nursery as mine even though it’s a drive and there are many other nurseries nearer her (nursey is short walk to my house). Feeling like she wants closeness and I’m happy to start an adult friendship with her.

Our dad died few years ago.

The issue, is when we talk. I refer to our shared dad, as Dad. “Do you Remember when Dad …”.
She ALWAYS refers to him in conversation with me as “My father” - “Do you Remember when my father …”. It’s “my father this & my father that”. Clearly excluding me.

I get a bit tongue ties with her now, not know what to say so we aren’t “dueling” linguistically about our shared bio dad. She seems oblivious to my sharing our dad when we talk, I keep thinking she will start saying “our” father. I’ve introduced her to friends, and she does same leading friends to think we don’t shared a dad. After explaining, my friends think she is diminishing me, minimizing me to dominate while also pushing in with nursery, trying to move close to my home. They all think something not quite right.

Our dad, is the one undeniable thing that connects us.

AIBU - and she’s got no daddy issues with me.

AINBU - she has daddy issues, be careful

But it’s OP’s son in the example.

Which is, I think, odd. In general conversation, fine, it is (despite what some poster claim) very normal to some people. But when commenting about your son? Yeah that’s kind of weird. Even “he looks like his grandfather” would be more suitable!

I have half siblings through my dad. I have no full siblings. Obviously I always say my mum as she only has one child but thinking about it, I never say our dad, I'd probably say my dad.

I have a pet hate for people unrelated to me referring to their parents as just dad or mum when talking to me about them.

Thinking further, it's more upper class people that refer to their parents as just mother or father without possessive nouns.

I don't really understand why it matters. She knows you're siblings, clearly. You, on the other hand, seem to be under the impression that she is your step sister.

When she does it just say no I mean dad or you mean our dad. Just tell her straight that it upsets you as he was your dad too.

That might depend where one is. I'm working class Australian, and everyone I know refers to Mum or Dad in conversation. I only refer to mine as Father because I despise him and he doesn't rate the affectionate Dad as far as I'm concerned. Nobody I know uses pronouns when talking about their parents.

@Catsmere Me presuming this is in the UK as mumsnet is a British platform.

I bet it’s not something she’s doing on purpose. She’s a half sister (not sure what’s not “PC” about that; it’s entirely factual!) and by the sound of it, will have been brought up as an only child of your dad and her mum. And she will be used to thinking of “my dad” and “my mum” in that context and it’s maybe stuck. I occasionally do similar with my DH; I’m so used to talking about “my DD” that I say it to him on occasion (rather than “our DD”). If it bothers you, mention it to her gently?

@seedsandseeds , oh yes, I just wanted to mention that it's not necessarily an upper-class thing in all English speaking countries. Our English isn't as different as American English would be, for example. The topic interests me because of my own use of the terms.

Maybe that’s the way her Mother described him when talking to her about him. Lots of people say my Dad, either because it’s regional or because of the way the family speak.

Oh The Irony......!!!!!!

Your half sister is your sister period.’

This simply isn’t true, though. And what the difference is varies massively within different family set ups. I know one chap who was adopted by his stepfather aged two and never knew his biological father; he therefore absolutely regards his half siblings as just “siblings”. I know a young woman where she and her sister were children of a later second marriage; they are a couple of years apart and incredibly bonded. The child of their father’s first marriage - with whom they get along very well - is 15 years older and has never lived with her. So, for her, she sees a huge difference between her sister, with whom she grew up, and her half sister, who’s more like a fun auntie type figure. And a friend of mine was in a similar situation to the one I’ve just outlined, but barely knew her father’s older children because they had moved abroad and didn’t keep much contact - so she didn’t really regard them as family at all, much less in the same category as her actual sibling. There’s no one size fits all in these situations…..

My SIL says this about her Dad to my husband and they are full siblings. I think it can be a regional thing.

I think it's weird.

I had that happen to me. My cousin sent me a photo and was talking about mum this and mum that. I said that’s my mother; and she said that’s what I said- it’s a photo of your mother.

You say dad she says father. You are both right you just have different names for him. Me and my brother have different names for our mum, he calls her mam. I will never say he's wrong.

She’s not your step sister. She’s your half sister.

I would just correct her and everytime she said 'my father', I would say 'OUR father' or just say "Why do you always say my father when it's our father, we share the same Dad".

She isn't your step sister though, she's your half sister.

I think you are overthinking it, he is her father. She doesn’t need to say ours. I sometimes say my dad to my siblings, it’s more out of habit of talking about him not that I don’t think he’s their dad

I think there is a big possibility she doesn't even realise what she is saying. You say there was a long time period where you weren't in each others lives...she has probably just become used to saying''my father''. I live in a different country to my brother and sister and when we get together they always talk about ''my dad'' and it has become this joke between us because obviously he's my dad too!

I think it's simply using Mum or Dad as a name, same as when talking to them. It's normal among people who know each other where I live, much as one would say "Joan was telling me the other day" or something.

You can either start talking of him as my father with her so she knows how weird it sounds or just correct her - hey not just your father, our father. To me she sounds a bit territorial, like he was exclusively her father. Usually such thoughtlessness comes from some insecurity.

You’re seeing issues that I don’t think are there, if this is a singular issue.