Help rid me of this weird woman - please!

[Justcouldnotbitemytongue]

Apologies this is a bit long 😬. DH & I live in a v remote & rural part of the country, we took early retirement & moved here a few years back. It’s a lovely place & we’re happy & settled. The few (distant) neighbours we have are all nice. Friendly but not too friendly IYSWIM. DH & I go out now & again to the only pub round here & it’s always a good night.

A couple of years ago Zoe & Dan (not their real names) moved here, about five miles from us. He’s ok but I struggle with her. We’re roughly the same age but we have zero in common. She’s very right wing - pro fox hunting/blood sports, hates migrants & people on benefits. She’s not the sharpest pencil in the box & boasts that she’s never read a book in her life. Also believes weird conspiracy theories she reads on Facebook. Can drive but won’t so Dan has to take her everywhere. Consequently she’s stuck in the house a lot as he works part time. We’re chalk & cheese.

She’s started to text me & ask if they can join us in the pub. Hard to say no really - it’s a pub. Plus I know she hasn’t really got anyone else round here & I do (did!) feel a bit sorry for her. Because of the geography there’s a very small pool of potential friends.

Last night was a disaster - worst ever by a mile. She seemed a bit manic/hyper when we got there. I wondered if she was on something but she just kept saying she was excited as she hadn’t been out of the house for ages. At the best of times it’s hard to have an adult conversation with her but last night was terrible. Another couple who were there left as soon as decently possible. The DH’s talk about sport & get on pretty well but it’s impossible to talk as a four which would help dilute her. She just interrupts all the time, talks over them & paws at my arm to get my attention.

I’m pretty patient, & always put forward a reasonable view to balance her almost fascist opinions. Try also to not look at my watch too much. Everything I said last night she just laughed at weirdly & loudly. I asked her what was so funny & she just kept laughing - almost hysterically. It was so embarrassing. Like being back at junior school.

Later a woman was in the pub & sat behind me. Zoe was hyper - again pawing me & saying “look, look!! That’s a man isn’t it? They’re trans aren’t they? Go on look, look now!“ I snapped (v rare) & said a bit too loudly & sharply that she was being really rude & to stop it. She literally put on a pet lip.

Fast forward to the end of the night & I said we were heading home. Why? She asked. Because it’s nearly midnight & I live there I replied. Why? She again asked. Why do I live at home or why is it midnight? Why she just repeated “why”. On a loop. Whenever I said anything she just said why. I snapped again & said FFS Zoe you’re acting like a fucking toddler. Pet lip again.

Said goodnights, she said she’d had a lovely time 🙄. Meanwhile we headed in opposite directions. Me seething.

Congratulations if you’ve got this far btw.

Anyway - I couldn’t stand another night like that. So do I say something or do I just keep dodging her & her invites until she gets the message. It’s really spoilt the nice times we used to have there but I am not wasting another evening of my life listening to her spout that rubbish. The trouble is we’re a small community & do rely on each other. I’d also rather not fall out with anyone but how do I get shot of her without doing that?? I absolutely do not want to be friends. She maybe has one other person locally who messages her occasionally but that’s it. She’s NC with two of her three children (or maybe they’re NC with her) if that’s relevant.

So come on - please give me a steer, should I start dodging her messages & making excuses or should I just tell her I don’t enjoy her company?

You are not being unreasonable - start dodging.
You are being unreasonable- just tell her straight.

Many of us on here have mental health problems.

Why does having mental health problems make it ok for this woman to be a fascist immigrant hating person who tries to bully other people in public? Having issues doesn't mean you get to be a shitty person and other people have to be friends with you against their will.

Anyway, it sounds far more likely she's on cocaine.

She's sounds very unwell. I would ask DH to ask his DH what's the deal. There will be one and I think you both need and deserve to know what it is

I agree with @telestrations that you find out what her problem is. best way is via the husband and you/yr DH can dress it up as concern for her.

once you know, then you can use the information to help you exit.

say its a drug problem, you can say you can't see her for personal reasons until she's kicked the habit and so on.
personal reasons generally doesn't invite much questioning

if you don't want to do that, do a slow fade. reply to every third message but be not commital. then every fourth and so on.

just act distant. and if she queries it say you've been sooo busy with an aged relative, the kids, the dog, a roof leak whatever is vaguely true.

People like that can be very destructive.

They can also be very hard to manage.

Personally - I would avoid.

From now on everything I do would be "oh - a last minute decision".

Hates migrants and people on benefits..so what exactly does she bring to the party? I note that she stays at home earning 0 money whilst her partner works. I don't have a problem with that normally, but her attitude about others not working annoys me. Never read a book and believes in conspiracy dribble, she sounds thick.
She's excluded herself from reality and as a result it's made her socially awkward.
She probably acts like that because she has 0 friends so has forgotten how to be social. Who can blame them? she sounds incredibly annoying.
Just ghost her, she will get the message.
Saying nothing is better than being hurtful/telling the truth.

@Justcouldnotbitemytongue must be great being you, OP! Surely someone possessing as much cultural and social capital, as you, doesn't need to start a thread to seek advice on how to avoid a person, so seemingly not on your level? 🙄

My husband had a friend with a girlfriend who sounds equally annoying, though in a different way. She dragged me off to the toilets (or my bedroom if we were at our flat) to go on, and on, and on about her boyfriend and how other women are constantly 'coming on to him' (doubtful). My H told me repeatedly she needed a friend so I was guilted into being nice to her. It was painful to be frank. It became apparent she was on crack almost every time too (literally not figuratively).

Thankfully she eventually decided I also fancied her boyfriend (no way!) and they both blocked us both.

Moral of the story, don't try to be some form of support to someone you don't like. Step away!

@Ayebutnaw yep

You can be mentally unwell AND a horrible person - the two aren't mutually exclusive. I would argue this woman already has a lot more support in place, than the vulnerable people she apparently hates. Does she deserve more? Possibly, possibly not. But it's definitely not the OPs responsibility to provide it, particularly at the expense of her own comfort and happiness.

This is like some sad messed up bingo where she appears to have 4 corners topped up to a full house when you add on behaviours.

• migrant hater
• benefits hater
• trans hater
• conspiracy theorist

For real OP?

Yes, if she said she "hadn't been out in ages", this bodes well for not running into her, particularly if you've said you're not going out.

she sounds like there is something not quite right?

either way, not your problem. Just ignore. no point having a confrontation. if you run into her, just tell her you've been busy.

Ones person's opinion huh!

She might have all the money and he works for pleasure.

She might not be able to work.

She might want to work but he might prevent her.

She may have worked before and took a buy out.

Or, or, or.

Too many assumptions.

I thought fox hunting had been banned?! If not it should be, it's barbaric... But anyway, I digress!
I had a "friend" similar to this, DH's oldest friends girlfriend (we became a foursome on every night out, when I met now DH). She was also insufferable. Created drama with strangers in pubs and dragged me into it all. Every time! It was both baffling and embarrassing! I got fed up of apologising and being on edge every time we went out. She wasn't even on drugs, she just didn't give a shit! After a couple of years of this, I declined nights out with them. Luckily, they split up after getting married and having their third child. (She actually bought a prostitute for her eldest son, as he has mild learning difficulties and she didn't want him going through life as a virgin... 🙄)
Complete nightmare, I would definitely make myself unavailable, she'll soon get the message! Some people are just born without any filter or sense of right or wrong! Avoid at all costs!

It's a very old expression.

My grandmother certainly used it and she was born at the end of the 19th century.
And it's been in common use in my family all these years.

Sorry I missed off fox hunting.

Some might call that keyword stuffing.

What does this even mean?

You can only excuse so much with “Oh but mental health tho”. The OP hardly even knows this woman! Why is she expected to pander to her?

ive just moved away from seeing a neighbour, felt they were only using me to let their dog out while they were at work, i had to keep coming home from where i was, to letb the dog in their back garden, then it wouldnt wee on their fake grass, just avoided them, missed a text off them think she got the message, big girl knickers on give it to her straight, you want a night out with your husband and some peace

😂😂😂

She actually bought a prostitute for her eldest son, as he has mild learning difficulties and she didn't want him going through life as a virgin... 🙄)

Well this is horrible and illegal surely 😣

Anyway, OP - she sounds awful. I’d probably tell her straight I wasn’t going to be spending time with her if she keeps being
persistent but normally I’d do a slow fade.

And to the poster who said we should be more compassionate of MH issues, has it occurred to you that someone like this is causing mental health issues for others?

Can’t be nice for the OP to spend an evening with someone who has such views or what about the person behind them in the bar if she overheard what her making comments about them appearing trans? This is clearly the kind of woman who offends and tramples
over people at every opportunity so spare us the MH excuse.

It’s offensive to decent kind generous tactful people with actual MH issues!

This. Slow fade. You just became very busy. No explanations needed. Remain polite and civilised with her in case you bump into each other. Do not bad mouth her if it’s a small community. She’ll eventually get the message.

@Justcouldnotbitemytongue

Not your circus, not your monkey
The woman is not your problem,disengage .
Your partner might be friends with hers ,doesn't mean you have to be her friend
My partner played sport, the men were a team they had a connection..... The wives girlfriends and FWB did not, I never understood pretending to care and didn't. I was there to watch the game not to chat shit with people who didn't interest me so I didn't! Obviously one of two were fine but the majority nope, no interest in being their friend.

Grey rock her.