Help rid me of this weird woman - please!

[Justcouldnotbitemytongue]

Apologies this is a bit long 😬. DH & I live in a v remote & rural part of the country, we took early retirement & moved here a few years back. It’s a lovely place & we’re happy & settled. The few (distant) neighbours we have are all nice. Friendly but not too friendly IYSWIM. DH & I go out now & again to the only pub round here & it’s always a good night.

A couple of years ago Zoe & Dan (not their real names) moved here, about five miles from us. He’s ok but I struggle with her. We’re roughly the same age but we have zero in common. She’s very right wing - pro fox hunting/blood sports, hates migrants & people on benefits. She’s not the sharpest pencil in the box & boasts that she’s never read a book in her life. Also believes weird conspiracy theories she reads on Facebook. Can drive but won’t so Dan has to take her everywhere. Consequently she’s stuck in the house a lot as he works part time. We’re chalk & cheese.

She’s started to text me & ask if they can join us in the pub. Hard to say no really - it’s a pub. Plus I know she hasn’t really got anyone else round here & I do (did!) feel a bit sorry for her. Because of the geography there’s a very small pool of potential friends.

Last night was a disaster - worst ever by a mile. She seemed a bit manic/hyper when we got there. I wondered if she was on something but she just kept saying she was excited as she hadn’t been out of the house for ages. At the best of times it’s hard to have an adult conversation with her but last night was terrible. Another couple who were there left as soon as decently possible. The DH’s talk about sport & get on pretty well but it’s impossible to talk as a four which would help dilute her. She just interrupts all the time, talks over them & paws at my arm to get my attention.

I’m pretty patient, & always put forward a reasonable view to balance her almost fascist opinions. Try also to not look at my watch too much. Everything I said last night she just laughed at weirdly & loudly. I asked her what was so funny & she just kept laughing - almost hysterically. It was so embarrassing. Like being back at junior school.

Later a woman was in the pub & sat behind me. Zoe was hyper - again pawing me & saying “look, look!! That’s a man isn’t it? They’re trans aren’t they? Go on look, look now!“ I snapped (v rare) & said a bit too loudly & sharply that she was being really rude & to stop it. She literally put on a pet lip.

Fast forward to the end of the night & I said we were heading home. Why? She asked. Because it’s nearly midnight & I live there I replied. Why? She again asked. Why do I live at home or why is it midnight? Why she just repeated “why”. On a loop. Whenever I said anything she just said why. I snapped again & said FFS Zoe you’re acting like a fucking toddler. Pet lip again.

Said goodnights, she said she’d had a lovely time 🙄. Meanwhile we headed in opposite directions. Me seething.

Congratulations if you’ve got this far btw.

Anyway - I couldn’t stand another night like that. So do I say something or do I just keep dodging her & her invites until she gets the message. It’s really spoilt the nice times we used to have there but I am not wasting another evening of my life listening to her spout that rubbish. The trouble is we’re a small community & do rely on each other. I’d also rather not fall out with anyone but how do I get shot of her without doing that?? I absolutely do not want to be friends. She maybe has one other person locally who messages her occasionally but that’s it. She’s NC with two of her three children (or maybe they’re NC with her) if that’s relevant.

So come on - please give me a steer, should I start dodging her messages & making excuses or should I just tell her I don’t enjoy her company?

You are not being unreasonable - start dodging.
You are being unreasonable- just tell her straight.

I'd just be utterly honest and equally opinionated. Let it be known in very thorough speeches that you can't stand bigots, racists, people who pride themselves in never reading. Argue back in a very earnest, detailed way every time she makes a bigoted comment. Offer her very intellectual earnest books to read to educate herself. She'll soon scuttle off.

Could you go once more and laugh like a crazed hyena, talk incessantly about books and prep yourself with beans, onions and dried apricots and fart a lot?

I’d also rather not fall out with anyone but how do I get shot of her without doing that??

By George, I think I've got it!

Borrow and wear DH's clothes for a few week, tell her you now identify as a man and that she is to call you Yusuf from now on as you've also converted to Islam and by the way, you've applied to house asylum seekers to help those who need a place to stay whilst waiting for their cases to be heard. And ask her to sign your petition against fox hunting and while she's at it this other one asking Keir Starmer to reverse Brexit.

Hopefully that should do it? Surely?

Do you do a good pet lip though?

“Hiya Zoe, we’re meeting some hunt sab friends down the pub if you want to join us?”
”Hiya Zoe, we’re going to a Socialist Worker meeting later, thought you might like to come?”
”Hi dickhead, no I don’t really want to meet you at the pub but will tolerate you if you leave the party powder at home”

All reasonable message suggestions

Oh yeas this is better than my farting idea and a lot less uncomfortable ( and humiliating).

She doesn't sound like the type to take a hint, so I'd be sharp & direct. Then block & ignore.

I’d ignore and if she happens to be at the pub or arrives when you are there just say your phone is broken .

Nothing more , nothing less.

She sounds fairly deranged. I experienced a new 'friend' a few years ago who sounds similar. Not normal. Cheery, friendly, but not normal. Ultimately, one night she was over for drinks and physically attacked me when I said something harmless that triggered her. I reported to the police and she was convicted (no prison sentence but community service).

To be fair we could combine both plans and we must be on to a winner...knock her out with the farts to truly seal the deal.

Bloody hell, @RogueFemale ! Hope you were okay. Did you see it coming, or did she strike like a snake?

🤣 “knock her out!”

”No, we can’t.”
”Busy.”
”Busy.”
”Busy.”
No, busy.”
”Busy.”
”Nope, we can’t.”
You get the idea. That’s the only explanation you owe her. Whatever you do, don’t apologise and don’t say you’re sorry.
And if you end up seeing them at the pub after you’ve told her you were busy, simply reply that your plans changed - or say, “Oh, did I?”
Be vague, not impolite. Vague is good.

I lost a a lot of friends because DH and I stayed friends with a couple where the woman was difficult. Every one peeled off and DH and I suddenly found ourselves their only friends.

Four years! Of ridiculous stupid crap, the boys chatted and I struggled what to say. Eventually I told OH, no more, sorry, I know he’s your friend but you can see him on your own. We went on holiday and I thought I’d wait and see how long before they contacted us. Never heard a word. So maybe they ghosted us but I don’t care a jot. Fortunately we slipped back into the friendship group we lost.

This is where my brain went if I'm honest!

Also my thoughts.

Or maybe there's something far more sinister going on. Could she be in an abusive relationship, being stuck at home in the middle of nowhere relying on her husband who is at work all day as her only transport??

@Justcouldnotbitemytongue
Why can't you just tell her you have nothing in common, completely different views and are not interested?
You don't owe her friendship or even politeness.
Just tell her "no thanks not on a million years" done and dusted.

You are not being unreasonable. If she texts again be a grown up and tell her the truth: sorry, I'm sure you a nice person but I found your behaviour very odd last time we went out and I don't want to pursue this friendship further. Hope you take this in the spirit it is intended, just want to be honest not trying to be cruel. Wish you all the best for the future.

I think if you just avoid the issue, she's mentally unwell enough to not get the hint and keep pushing. So it will carry on being a source of stress and anxiety, sorry. I absolutely hate confrontation and awkwardness, so totally get why you're trying to avoid it, but honestly don't see that it's possible here. Think you will have to be a bit blunt "Sorry, no we don't want to meet up. We're busy doing other things". Keep it simple.

I don't think there's a way to tell her you don't enjoy her company without falling out with her! You can try dodging her messages and hoping she takes the hint but she sounds pretty nuts so will probably be quite persistent 😬 I'd be tempted to just say you're busy when she calls/texts and hope for the best - further down the line you might have to have a conversation and explain that you don't feel you have a lot in common. Good luck!

You all sound like wonderful people NOT. If she has MH have you not heard of a bit more compassion and understanding.

I don’t know what IYSWIM means? Nor DC…..

@PinkQuail but the op isn't responsible for the other women.

@OneJollyGuide

*if you see what I mean
*Dear child/ren

Whatever that means 🙄