Ending friendships over this comment

[AristoMat]

Hi, I’m feeling really disgusted about this so thought I’d get some opinions.
I have 4 very close friends, tbh I don’t fully fit in but they sr generally lovely people. They are all very slim attractive women (with at least 2 children each), all able to work part time and send their children to private school. I work full time, as does my DH and we live in a nice area but definitely no private schools.
I WFH on a Wednesday and decided to meet them all for a coffee on my early lunch, most of their children are now on summer holidays as the local Indy schools tend to wrap up very early. So all the kids except mine and one others were there and could hear the conversation.
1 friend has 2 little girls and her life is like a Pinterest board, she’s quite aesthetic focused, she is also a teacher at an all girls private school. They were talking about who the kids teachers will be next year and this friend said “A has Mrs X next year and I’m so glad as the other teacher for her year is so fat” she went on to say she doesn’t think “fat” people should be allowed to work with children as it sets a bad example and we wouldn’t let addicts or alcoholics work with children!!!
Now to say I was flabbergasted is an understatement. This friend is a perfect size 6 of course but I’d attribute that mainly to the Pilates classes and weekly tennis matched with portion sizes that wouldn’t fill my 6 year old!!
I said I disagreed but the other 3 seemed to just agree!
Now I’m not skinny, I’m a 12-14 and tbh it felt quite offensive!
I know lots of lovely teachers of all shapes and sizes, and she is of course a teacher herself - imagine thinking this about your colleagues??!

AIBU to end the friendship over this, not just with her but all of them since they seemed to agree?

I wouldn’t end the friendship with that person just to make a statement, but I might end it because I realised I don’t like that person very much and don’t enjoy their company.

Not so sure about the others. They might just not have dared to speak up.

I can't imagine dumping friends because they have different views about stuff than me. I have some friends who are very left wing and woke. I just discard their daft comments and change the subject.

It's a twatty thing to say.

Is she a bit of an idiot?

I wouldn't end the friendship but I would have said something along the lines of, "Surely the most important thing is whether they're a good teacher or not?"

I wouldn’t like to be around people like that either.

It sounds like she has an eating disorder, judging by the portion size you said she eats. No one hates fat people more than people with eating disorders.

Would anyone enjoy being friends with a person who thought 'fat' people couldn't be good teachers?

Well I'm a fat teacher. I'm not perfect, but I have lots of qualities I like to think are positive attributes to share with children and being a role model for them. Yes, my weight needs to be changed for a healthy life and I am very knowledgeable on the fight steps to take to tackle it, but due to circumstances out of my control it isn't that easy.

By your friend's opinion, she is the perfect teacher as a size 6. Yet is judging others based on appearance only, which I don't want as a role model for my children. My son has a visible difference on his face, he wouldn't fit into the aesthetic she is going for so I most definitely would not want her teaching him.

Now some people are overweight due to bad diets. Others for health, mental or physical. Your friend knows nothing about that individuals circumstances. That poor teacher could be the best teacher: caring, hardworking, knowledgeable, great relationships with kids and parents... Nope not discussed.

It also means you need to sack a few doctors etc who aren't perfect because they smoke, are overweight etc. Society would fall apart. No one is perfect.

I think your friend is shallow. I couldn't associate with someone like that. And for her to spout views of that type around other's children is also a concern, she wouldn't be around my kids.

Not something I could get excited about tbh.

I would challenge them about it and not let that go. Once you start asking people questions about a strongly held but stupid opinion they often start floundering.

"How fat would you say is unacceptable for teaching?"

And if they don't like that sort of challenge then that will pretty much sort out whether you are going to be friends with them going forward.

Surely there must be a line they might cross though.

I remember my shock when a colleague said he thought black men were lazy- he was the same age as me too.

Yeah, I wouldn't want to be friends with such judgmental bitches either.

Well when I was a size 6 my dh said if I didn't put weight on he couldn't continue to have sex as it felt like shagging a skeleton..
Remarried and now a size 12. New dh never ever connects weight to being a good /bad person..
Ex was just a cunt.
Bit like your friends..
Next meet up tell her she needs to eat some chips. Shame her for being a size 6..

I think your friend is shallow. I couldn't associate with someone like that. And for her to spout views of that type around other's children is also a concern, she wouldn't be around my kids.

Yes, this. I would be thinking about when the kids are older and spending more time with that group of girls - what sort of thing will they be hearing from them or their parents when you are not there?

It would depend a lot on how close we were and what they're generally like, but I don't think I'd end a friendship over that one comment.

Her comment was certainly fatphobic, but tbh you sound quite judgy about her weight too.

I don't understand why you didnt' say somethign in the moment? I can't imagine not bursting into shocked laughter at a comment like that and saying something like, "what the actual fuck? why on earth would you say something like that".

If this is the sort of people they are, then sre, move on from these relationships. I'm sort of amazed you haven't noticed it before.

Best ignored, she is ignorant and does not engage her brain before opening gob.
Does she teach overweight children? what if these children are bullied, does she secretly understand the children doing the bullying?
She sounds very narrow minded, with horrible views. She also sounds a bit of a Queen bee, the others who agreed with her likely want to stay on her good side.
Only you can decide if you want to stay friends with her. I am Curvy, size 16, and I have been told I always look good. I love the size I am, and when I worked I was good at my job. What acway to think.

Do people reality find it so difficult to comprehend that everyone is different, with different opinions, likes and dislikes?
I would certainly be a bit 🙄 at this comment but to end a friendship over it is crazy.
I note that a couple of pps have said they would do this and seem to regard it as a badge of honour that they are so righteous they can't tolerate others who are 'wrong'.
If you only tolerate people who think the same as you, this is called an echo chamber and is definitely not a good thing.
I think some people have never grown up really

This! Literally so many of my friends are literal size 6 pilates instructors (I work in fitness) as am I and I wouldn't go near anyone that made such a stupid remark!

This. I wouldn't leave the friendship just because of this one specific comment, per se, but that sort of comment is likely to be indicative of the way that person feels, which is shallow, judgemental and tbh a bit thick, which would make me reconsider what we had in common and if I wanted to be friends with someone like that, or at least how close I wanted to stay with them.

Might be that you think they still have enough good characteristics to outweigh the bad so you'd still be happy to meet up.with them for a coffee...but you'd think about whether you wanted to bring your kids out for a meal with them if there was the possibility of them commenting on what your children ate, for example.

Its not the different opinions though? Its the different values?

I wouldn’t dump a friend because she liked biking or mountain climbing (different tastes) but I would absolutely dump a friend for voting for Trump. Because their values and ethical standards would be abysmal.

I think most tolerate others with different views up to a point but surely there is a line which someone might cross? What if they spoke in favour of paedophilia?

And as for the echochamber comment - we tend to be friends with people we have things in common with. It doesn't mean we have to be clones of one another but conversation is normally easy and doesn't leave us with a bad taste in our mouths.

I always find those “echochamber” comments so odd. My life is not a debating society. I’m not obliged to entertain or enjoy all viewpoints. My moral and ethical standards, as well as my political and policy goals, are quite well thought out and important to me. Its not like I don’t know the arguments from the other side. They aren’t particularly hidden or esoteric. Do I have to allow people in my life to rehash or defend what to me are indefensible or foolish beliefs? Like do I have to socialize with someone who thinks gays should be executed? Do I have to be interested in the views of flat earthers or anti vaxxers?

OP’s size six friend’s viewpoint is both personal and political—it will lead to overt discrimination against this other teacher and other fat if Size six has any say in it. It is also, needless to say, quite damaging to the children.

She sounds too thick to be a teacher.

That tells us a lot about you really.

I agree, surely it's not unusual to primarily have friends with similar values to you? Certainly I can be civil with colleagues and acquaintances who have wildly different values to me, but on such a superficial level I wouldn't describe it as a friendship.

Someone like the person described in the OP is unlikely to be a good friend anyway - if you put half a stone on she'd be gossiping about you behind your back straight away. And that won't be her only weird judgemental viewpoint.