Ending friendships over this comment

[AristoMat]

Hi, I’m feeling really disgusted about this so thought I’d get some opinions.
I have 4 very close friends, tbh I don’t fully fit in but they sr generally lovely people. They are all very slim attractive women (with at least 2 children each), all able to work part time and send their children to private school. I work full time, as does my DH and we live in a nice area but definitely no private schools.
I WFH on a Wednesday and decided to meet them all for a coffee on my early lunch, most of their children are now on summer holidays as the local Indy schools tend to wrap up very early. So all the kids except mine and one others were there and could hear the conversation.
1 friend has 2 little girls and her life is like a Pinterest board, she’s quite aesthetic focused, she is also a teacher at an all girls private school. They were talking about who the kids teachers will be next year and this friend said “A has Mrs X next year and I’m so glad as the other teacher for her year is so fat” she went on to say she doesn’t think “fat” people should be allowed to work with children as it sets a bad example and we wouldn’t let addicts or alcoholics work with children!!!
Now to say I was flabbergasted is an understatement. This friend is a perfect size 6 of course but I’d attribute that mainly to the Pilates classes and weekly tennis matched with portion sizes that wouldn’t fill my 6 year old!!
I said I disagreed but the other 3 seemed to just agree!
Now I’m not skinny, I’m a 12-14 and tbh it felt quite offensive!
I know lots of lovely teachers of all shapes and sizes, and she is of course a teacher herself - imagine thinking this about your colleagues??!

AIBU to end the friendship over this, not just with her but all of them since they seemed to agree?

I have lots of friends who think differently to me on all sorts of things. That's fine. And it leads to some interesting discussions. Friend A voted Conservative because he thinks that Labour will tax him too heavily. I disagree. But I get his point. Friend B doesn't allow her DDs to wear any make, even though they're now 15 and 13. I disagree, but it doesn't make her a bad person. Friend C literally thinks her dog is her baby and that she will be as devastated when the dog dies as I would be if my DC die. I disagree but again, that's her opinion and how she feels and I am certainly not going to judge her for it.

None of these examples are what we're talking about here. I am not interested in being friends with people who are racist, bigoted or stupid. OP's friend is at least 2 of those because she honestly thinks fat people should be banned from being teachers and have no value for our children. I would not want to be friends with her either.

And if they can answer your challenge? For example, my answer to that would be, anyone bordering on obese. It’s not healthy and does set a bad example to children. School forbid children from having crisps on their lunchbox, but allow them to be taught lifeskills by someone not in control of their own.

Would you accept a difference of opinion if they can back their opinion up?

It’s fair enough to end a friendship because the other person is brain dead.

Unless the teacher is literally morbidly obese, rendering her incapable of moving and breathing easily in the course of her work, then she's talking rubbish.
There must be other aspects of her character to show her unkindness and frankly, idiocy. In which case give her a wide berth.
I'd be inclined, if someone said something like that, to give them a shocked look and simply say 'Charming.' the others should have called her out though.

Well, I wouldn't consider that a legitimate reason. Personally, I hate it that all my chidlren's female teachers promptly change their name on marriage. I don't consider that a particularly good example to set for children - I hate that practically the first thing my DC learn about new marriages is that the women have to change her name.

Okay, you probably think that's not a good example of setting a "bad influence". But I don't consider thinking a fat person sets a bad example is a valid reason (and don't even get me started on why someone might be fat - a fat teacher who struggles with that still has plenty of other strengths. "self control" is not everything).

But let's take it further. No fat people. What about teachers with accents we don't like - foreign accents or accents that are more working class? Arguably it would be a legitimate concern that those teachers shouldn't teach in private schools or certain areas in case they negatively impact the way the children speak?

Exercise is really important so perhaps we should ban teachers who are not actively participating in formal exercise of some sort?

What about teachers who don't believe in god? If you believe in god,do you think that atheists should be banned from teaching children whose families are religious in case they give them the wrong idea?

Oh I think I would distance myself from her. That’s a really gross attitude.

She's an idiot and I'd wonder what else she judges.

Ok, so now we are discussing and debating our opinions- great. But would anything I say actually make having this opinion ok? It seems most posters think having a different opinion is enough to end a friendship.

The original point I replied to said that challenging them and watching them falter would out them as stupid, my point was if they had reasoning and facts to back up their opinion, would that then mean the friendship can continue.

(FWIW, obese is a medical term, and the physical, mental and economic issues are well documented. As far as I know, having an accent is not responsible for any health issues)

Wind them up and watch them go.

You can end a friendship for any reason you like and tbh, realising they are spiteful people who say unkind things is a good reason.

It's not something I would say however - I do remember at my primary there were a couple of very overweight female teachers. Morbidly obese. I do remember hoping I wouldn't be taught by them (not just randomly, it was a real possibility) as they were uninspiring, slow to move anywhere and generally a bit depressing to a 10 year old.

What your friend said was unkind and judgemental but is it possible there's more context to a cruel comment. Doesn't excuse it but I kind of understand the sentiment if the teacher is very obese.

I think we're differing on what we see as opinions that can be debated and opinions that are not opinions, just bigotry.

I don't have friends who have opinions that show they are bigoted. I have lots of friends with opinions they can back up even though I disagree with them.

So although there are hundreds of studies and facts and figures that show that being overweight or obese is damaging to individual, the health service and the economy, I’m just a bigot and that’s that?

To be honest the amount of detail you go into describing their dress sizes and perfect lives before getting to the point about the 'fat' comment suggests you are slightly jealous of their set up. Plus, do you really need a start a thread asking advice about ending a friendship or did you just want to fish for compliments on behalf of your moral outrage. If you don't like someone anymore just let the friendship go, you don't have to seek validation here to do it.

You're a bigot if you think that someone who is obese shouldn't be allowed to teach children. The fact that being overweight is a problem is not in dispute. It's how you treat those people that is.

I think OP's "friend" also said something about alcoholics and addicts shouldn't be allowed around children either. I have an addict for a BIL. When he was using, and for a long time after, we were very hesitant to allow him to be around our DC without supervision. Not because we thought he was a bad influence - but because we couldn't trust him with their safety. We knew, for example, that when he was using he regularly drove under the influence (obviously, none of us ever got in a car with him). We knew that he was unreliable etc. And it took a long time for us to feel that he was reliable enough. Quite honestly, to this day, I am not certain of his judgement. I never once worried that he was goign to behave in a way that would make my children think they should use drugs.

So if your issue with fat teachers is that they're going to be offering the chidlren 10 candy bars and 5 chocolates every day, then sure, don't let them around your children. But just for being fat? No.

Your reaction is 100% understandable, and you should always follow your heart on issues like this. Personally, I don't think I'd drop them immediately, but maybe slowly disengage and see if they have an overall theme of judgment that may have been flying under the radar the whole time. Use that extra time to use feelers for some new, more diverse friends!

I have a couple of friends who work in education at university level, one I would describe as probably obese in terms of BMI, the other is definitely morbidly obese. They both work at prestigious universities and have jobs you just wouldn’t get in the first place or be able to hold down without being exceptionally productive and disciplined. So your friend’s thinking is pretty limited imo. Yes they probably have issues of self-discipline in relation to food, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t disciplined in other respects. Would your friend rather her kids were taught by people who were thin but lazy or procrastinating, and not that high achieving at work?

I’m not treating them in any way. I would be friends with an overweight person.
But do I think a pulmonologist should smoke? No. Would I use an overweight PT instructor? No.
If you are in a position of a teacher or role model, particularly around children, then you should be leading by example.

Okay, I can ALMOST see this argument - it's the "practice what you preach" argument which is largely fair enough. But, the continuation of the argument would be that you don't want a fat or obese person advising you on nutrition or weightloss, not that you can't have that person as your child's teacher.

A teacher is someone who can engage with the children, inspires them, help them to learn about english, maths or geography. Their weight, or their own health problems (both physical and mental) are irrelevant unless it directly impacts my children. I am not concerned that an obese person is a bad influence because they might have issues with "self control". Not least because we all know that being overweight is a complicated issue - I am overweight because I consume more calories than I need, exacerbated by the fact that I am insulin resistant due to PCOS. The only "diet" that has ever properly worked for me was to severely limit carbs and replace with a higher ratio of fat and protein to keep me full. except then my cholesterol levels shot up and my doctor told me I had to STOP that diet while being deeply sympathetic to the fact that it was the one diet that actually worked for me.

In fact - to continue the argument - I wouldn't have someone who smoked advising me on how to keep my lungs healthy. But a smoker who coached my son's football team? fine.
We can't stop our children from seeing people who make poor choices. And I wouldn't want to - they need to learn that the world is a complex place.

This!!! I came on to write the same thing.

I do see your point about the football coach and smoker, although I would not want him to smoke in sight of my child, or mention it to them etc.
Does it make a difference if the overweight teacher is a PE teacher?

My overall thought is that teachers are role models, they have a huge influence in the lives of children in a critical time for their development.

I wouldn’t pull my child from a class with an overweight teacher, but I would have thoughts on it. Probably wouldn’t mention them unprovoked at a lunch though.

If it were my close friend I wouldn't end a friendship over one comment, but in the moment I wouldn't say "what the actual fuck?!" And call them out on it. Then see where that conversation goes

No, we're going back to a circular argument. Role models aren't always perfect and don't have to be. And weight in particular is unreasonable to have an issue with - someone's weight doesn't make them a bad role model. It just means that the person struggles with their weight. I think if you see it as binary - overweight means someone has no self control/is bad - you're going to justify that opinion. But it's a lot more complex than that and I think in 2024 most of us know that. Hence I think having a problem with fat teachers is bigoted.

A fat PE teacher? I'd still be fine - lots of male PE teachers are ex athletes who have found a lot of that muscle turning to fat. But I suspect a truly obese person would struggle to be a PE teacher as they'd not be able to necessarily keep up. Ditto a foot ball coach - you don't have to be perfectly fit and slim but there's usually a fair amount of demonstrating, running around etc that's needed.

There's a woman called Bryony Gordon - she's overweight but runs marathons etc. Her point is that she's overweight but she can still be fit. I think that's admirable and she would make a good role model.

Avoiding fat people isn't going to stop your children from being fat. And no one ever looked at a fat teacher and thought, "right, I'll eat all my chocolate and it will be fine because Miss is also fat".