Ending friendships over this comment

[AristoMat]

Hi, I’m feeling really disgusted about this so thought I’d get some opinions.
I have 4 very close friends, tbh I don’t fully fit in but they sr generally lovely people. They are all very slim attractive women (with at least 2 children each), all able to work part time and send their children to private school. I work full time, as does my DH and we live in a nice area but definitely no private schools.
I WFH on a Wednesday and decided to meet them all for a coffee on my early lunch, most of their children are now on summer holidays as the local Indy schools tend to wrap up very early. So all the kids except mine and one others were there and could hear the conversation.
1 friend has 2 little girls and her life is like a Pinterest board, she’s quite aesthetic focused, she is also a teacher at an all girls private school. They were talking about who the kids teachers will be next year and this friend said “A has Mrs X next year and I’m so glad as the other teacher for her year is so fat” she went on to say she doesn’t think “fat” people should be allowed to work with children as it sets a bad example and we wouldn’t let addicts or alcoholics work with children!!!
Now to say I was flabbergasted is an understatement. This friend is a perfect size 6 of course but I’d attribute that mainly to the Pilates classes and weekly tennis matched with portion sizes that wouldn’t fill my 6 year old!!
I said I disagreed but the other 3 seemed to just agree!
Now I’m not skinny, I’m a 12-14 and tbh it felt quite offensive!
I know lots of lovely teachers of all shapes and sizes, and she is of course a teacher herself - imagine thinking this about your colleagues??!

AIBU to end the friendship over this, not just with her but all of them since they seemed to agree?

I wouldn’t end a friendship over one single comment. Not unless it’s the final straw that’s broken the camel’s back …

I'd love to know what she deems so fat

I would never ever have said anything like this - that's horrible, but on reflection we did once have an issue when Ds was being taught by a morbidly obese teacher at primary school who had associated mobility issues.

The issue I had was that the rewards system for anything the children did (reading challenges etc) largely involved bringing in gadgets, films and sweets. This was virtually weekly. PE and outdoor sports times were kept to the minimum and this whole combination was awful for my hyper little boy, who pretty much needed the same regime as a springer spaniel at that age.

I shared my view with the school as diplomatically as I could but ultimately ended up moving him to a different school where his active teacher made the whole class run a mile per day and did it with them. Everyone was far happier.

I wouldn’t want to be hanging out with friends like this. If they are like this about the teacher, then they’ll be like this about anyone, you and each other.

Why are you all friends? What do you like about each other? Do you enjoy their company, or help each other out in times of need?

her comment was awful, but the others in your group seem to share the same (albeit disappointingly shallow and judgemental) values. At the same time, you also seem judgemental about what you perceive as their ‘perfect’ lives.

i work part time and have kids in private schools, because my husband works ridiculous hours and travels extensively, rendering me lonely and quite wiped out. Yes, we made choices, but it is the very judgment in your post, that simmers in my own family and some friends, so I keep my mouth shut.

if you’re going to phase out this friendship, it seems dramatic to do it on one comment, but you don’t seem to share values or respect each others lifestyles?

I'd definitely judge her for the comment

Mean girls who pretend to be nice, I wouldn't want that influence around me, bad company corrupts good character..and not to say it will corrupt you as your very conscious and posses emotional intelligence. I think you should find friends with a little more substance to them with better things to converse about. I hate sheep, people who follow and are yes men

Some of my friends can be dickheads at times. I just tell them they are being a dickhead at the time. Don't stay silent then moan about them on forums

I think you need to find a set of friends you actually like, OP.

These women sound awful.

It doesn't sound like spending time with them makes you feel good

You're thinking of dumping all of these people you describe as 'very close friends' over a comment that one of them made so you can't actually like them that much. My friends come out with some ridiculous things sometimes as do I but we just pull each other up on them and laugh about it further down the line. Find some friends you actually like.

Yeh I've ended friendships over their shitty attitudes about other people. I think I just realised the extent of their bitchiness one day and it just happened one evening. I left. The hushed gossipy bollocks just became horrible.

Not heard or spoken to either of them since, miss them like a hole in the head! I suspect they don't miss me either.

I’m a teacher and the skinniest female teacher in my school had an affair a few years ago that broke up two marriages. She might have the self control to eat nothing (openly discusses that she will have a black coffee in lieu of a meal) but doesn’t have the self control not to cheat. Her level of ethical behaviour can’t be seen though, the way being overweight can, so it’s not something parents will have an opinion on. No one in any job role should be judged for their weight unless it physically impacts their abilities. I couldn’t stay friends with someone like her.

What do you mean by your friends being ‘woke’? How does that relate to them saying silly comments? I think ‘woke’ has unfortunately become a catch-all word that people generally use as an insult. It seems like you’ve intentionally used it in that way here, which I think is a pretty dismissive way to describe your friends.

I for one embrace the credenda viva la difference, and appreciate diversity. For many years I had friends whose politics and cultural alignment were the polar opposite of mine. Yet the friendships flourished because we had the sense to leave it at the door, and our politics and hobby horses never clouded our conversations.

Let's unpack your friend's statement. 'Fat people have no right to be teachers' and then she also invokes the thought terminating cliche 'bad for the children' which is a variation on the rhetorical tactic 'think of the children.'

She sees fit to introduce these ideas, which are closely related to Nazism, into a social setting. I'm not overstating by saying they are aligned to Nazism. History is full of examples of disenfranchising section of the population and you can see its growth right now in the burgeoning of extreme right wing politics.

This is not just a harmless remark that I could shrug off and ignore, not only for the nature of the sentiment, but that she saw it as a conversational gambit. 'Yeah. I really don't think we should employ those Jews, oh...I mean fat people. '

So in my case I would seriously readjust my social circles.

This.

Many years ag, I was one of four or five work colleague chatting during a coffee break. One colleague, whose fourteen year old daughter was at the time, in a private all girls school, told us that her daughter, had taken up running and was watching her diet. She announced/stated that rich people are healthier, fitter and thinner and not one of her daughter's friends were overweight. I don't think the work colleague was thoughtful but I don't think she meant to offend either.

I would probably speak up if the remarks were intentionally said to offend or were constant but otherwise I'd change the conversation.

This is a good point.

It's good to have different opinions to your friends sometimes but better to speak up if don't agree with something that's been said or done but if you think about it, this portrays more on your friend than the person spoken about. Your friend seems insecure about themself and subconsciously they have given that away but the way they speak about others is a good way to know how they speak about you when you're not there. Hope this helps.

Good for you, but not everyone is as good at confrontation, some people need some time and perspective to get their head around something and decide how to tackle it - and that is perfectly acceptable.

I think it comes as you get older and don't give as many shits. But surely if they are your FRIENDS then you should be able to say something to them? Not as though they are a boss at work or complete stranger

I wouldn't- especially someone who WAS a teacher; she wasn't just making some ignorant abstract judgement; she was by implication expressing a nasty attitude to at least some of her colleagues. And I'd worry that it could affect her attitude to her fatter pupils as well.

Mind you, she wouldn't want to be my friend anyway, as I wouldn't be the right shape and size for her.

I am no doubt what you'd call 'very left wing and woke' and, yes, I have friends who are Tories, Brexiters, etc. But different views in the political sense (or religion, etc.) are not the same thing as nastiness about other people's personal physical characteristics.

I wouldn't end a friendship over someone having different views to me. But I wouldn't want a friendship with someone who was as stupid as this woman sounds. No one with a shred of intelligence is going to think their daughter is going to look at the overweight teacher and be 'badly influenced' to live unhealthily or (horrors!) become fat themselves. The teacher may become a role model for the girls in some ways, but your friend could bet her size 6 arse, her very big house in the country and her hubby's six figure salary that it won't be for being fat. So her 'worries' are at best stupid. At worst, they are fake and she isn't concerned at all but wanted to be nasty about an overweight woman.

I used to be anorexic and used to think like this about everyone of a normal weight or overweight. It’s this woman that you are talking about who has a problem not the teacher. Having this sort of attitude and being a size 6 and hardly eating it sounds like an eating disorder. I wouldn’t want to hang around with her or the other women, cut them off and you will make other friends.