To think that my child daughter can have equally awesome childhood as I did?

[NotAlexa]

Long post, but hopefully can give a sufficient preamble to show where my concerns about modern generation and safety stem from.

When I was 2-3 (from words of my entire family), I could not comprehend why children were crying next to a wagon with sweets. I understand now that it is because i didn't know what sweets were until the age of 7, where i was introduced to Kinder Surprise. Before, I had carrot and apple for sweet tooth.

When I was 6, I actively resorted not making friends with any kid that cried. Errr, so embarrassing being seen with a loud trouble maker. From that age until about 12, I exclusively preferred playing rough, climbing trees, and running wild. A few scars on the leg are a great reminder of fun i had outdoors, while my neighbours helped stitch me up until my mother returned home from a bit of shopping.

When I was 7, I would l go to school alone, crossing 2 unregulated roads with no traffic lights. because apparently i made a huge fuss when my mum was dropping me off, and told her off for not trusting me. Needless to say, I was a formidable kid!

When I was 10, in summer me and my friend (then 12) would get a bus across the city to get on a ferry to then go up and down the hill to reach UNESCO beach (Curonian Spit if interesting to anyone). All alone. No supervision. We would prepare ourselves sandwiches and all sort of junk food and fruit and spend entire day sunbathing and swimming in the sea. We did that until 16. Every summer. We were never stopped doing something because we were too young. And never have we been asked where were our parents. Although some doggy alcoholics did approach us once or twice, we just gave them cold shoulder and the looks of disgust.

Nowadays, I barely ever see kids roaming the streets. I live in a quiet town in SW England, with low crime rate and it baffles me as to why kids are always always being supervised. They are only playing in playgrounds, being told off for making mess, being obliged to when they are asking for sugar and having tantrums!

I worked in the University Gym when I was a student, and i remember many many parents coming with their adult children (freshers at Uni) to buy a membership for them. The so called adults would hover behind their parents shoulders and let the parent speak. It was soooo odd! I mean, they are going to the gym, not parents; they are responsible for their own health and wellbeing, it will be their signature on the admissions form.

I am 30 years old, pregnant with my first child, and am very worried about this 'coddling' society. Is it just a phase in the society do you think? Or are we indeed keeping children on leashes so tight that they do not learn independent thinking and risk assessment?

It is still like that where I'm from (other than the not eating sweets). Unfortunately where I live now it seems to be a lot more sheltered. I'm pretty sure my further kids will be considered neglected 😅

What a serious over reaction. Neglected ?

Op I do think it’s naive that your child will eat carrots instead of sweets until age 7 unless you are extremely protective, don’t let them go to parties etc . But I agree with a lot of this post . I remember I used to walk all around town with my friend when I was 10. We used to go into building sites too and mess around climbing on scaffolding and all sorts. It was fun but a bit dangerous looking back. I never see kids out playing now. Just loads of empty trampolines and slides in gardens .

You've been given some pretty sound advice here, some of the best being to wait and see what it's actually like being a parent, and who your child is. I would add that you might want to be mindful of parenting TOO differently from those around you. I appreciate that you will have your own parenting values, as we all do, but if your child's friends are more what you might think of as 'mollycoddled', your own child may well compare you unfavourably to their parents, may feel pushed away or uncared for. That may feel monumentally unfair when you're just doing your best (like everyone else is), but it might be worth bearing in mind. I've seen this in action (I'm a teacher) and it's such a shame for all involved. There are plenty of ways of helping your child develop resilience and independence which don't involve the scenarios or approaches you've described.

My brother used to climb electricity pylons in his early teens. And take acid with his mates and once got stuck when tripping and fell down a hole in a massive ten high block of hay bales around the same time. And I used to ride on the roof of my dad's van as he zipped round country roads. Let's not even get into the 'chariot' my dad built for my dog to pull me around in as a small child 🙈

It was all fun and games at the time but maybe not the safest of choices!

Kid in my school did climb the electricity pylon and touched the live. He did survive, mostly intact but not entirely complete.

My friend's kid would be the same age as me but ran out from behind an ice cream truck.

It's all a balance.

I know! To make matters worse, I tried to report it to the police and was put on hold for ages and eventually abandoned the call. In the end, dh went and read the wanker the riot act. He cleared off, but men doing stuff like that often graduate to committing worse sexual assaults. People like Wayne Cozens. 😡 Parents are absolutely right to take appropriate precautions.

Do you let your daughter cross the M25 alone? No.
Everyone has feelings of nostalgia, that's all this is.

lol that’s so funny about the chariot.

Not sure it is a case of being reasonable or not. Society has moved on. I was raised in an age before the gaming systems entered mainstream. Playing out in the street with friends until the street lighting came on was usual, as was cycling to places a couple of miles away from home from about age 10. Older siblings looked out for the younger generations (whether they wanted to or not!). Parents were respected and we lived by their rules or faced the consequences of being 'grounded' - the ultimate worst punishment of hearing friends playing out, whilst you were tidying your own bedroom.
My own children were not raised in this way, because of the digital age and change of times. My DH and I consider ourselves relatively liberal parents, teaching our children right from wrong and reminding them to make 'good choices' when they have decision making power. The population of where we live has increased more than 10 fold since my childhood and life is tougher nowadays in lots of ways.

To be fair the OP hasn’t stated that this is exactly how she will be parenting. She has raised concerns about the way as a society we are so much more protective of children than years ago and asked for a discussion about it . Which is a valid topic . I don’t plan on giving my son the amount of freedom I had when he is bigger, I just can’t imagine it.but I think it’s a shame in a way, kids just don’t roam around having the same outdoor adventures the way they used to. There is nothing wrong with having a discussion about this topic. And we are all a bit naive in a way before a child arrives .

I too completely disagree with @Ozanj and @Poplarmoth that it was neglected childhood. Although the no sweets and the crying child sounds odd. I was completely loved and cared for but spend all day off with my 2 older brothers and loads of other cul-de-sac kids on our bikes and building dens all day and only came home for my dinner in the summer holidays. That was very much the norm back then.

I also had a childhood of playing out with other children on the street, we’d be climbing trees and making dens and cycling around. We’d know where everybody was because there’d be a group of bikes left nearby. I am 30 so this was in the 90’s/early 00’s. My mum was at home though, she didn’t go out all day and leave it to neighbours to patch us up if we hurt ourselves. I think that’s odd, letting your kids out and then disappearing. Letting your 7 year old wander to school alone because they were being petulant sounds neglectful/can’t be arsed parenting. I was allowed to walk to school aged 10, with my brother who was aged 12. I was also allowed to cry and hang around with children who cried 😄

It's completely a different culture here and now. I grew up in another bit of FSU maybe 10-15 years before you did in Lithuania. You may have felt independant and alone, but I guarantee you would have had far too many eyes on you. Neighbours, omnipresent old women sitting about, tower block wardens, bus conductors etc. I expect anyone that saw you out and about felt entitled (and felt a responsibility) to point out your transgressions whether that was not wearing a hat or behaving badly. I remember hanging out in a cafebar after school and suddenly one of the staff bundling us all into the kitchen because a "bad man" came in who liked young girls. When life is harder, people look out for each other more. England now is individualistic and fractured. No one will tell a teenager (or younger!) off because they worry they might get stabbed, or have the parents angrily turning up at their door. Even teachers in school are wary of telling children off. I came home once to find a random old woman telling my mother she had seen me drop litter. I never did it again!

It can feel claustrophonic sometimes to be constantly scrutinised. But people behave better when they feel observed and this makes society safer for everyone.

Finally few children whined (for sweets or anything else) since we all accepted it would achieve nothing. Scarcity was so fully understood and accepted. Crying for sweets was a luxury childhood behaviour. When whining doesn't pay, kids stop doing it. The worst whiners are the kidds with parents who give into it.

When I was a child, I was ferociously bright: a genius. I thought my son would have similar cognitive aptitude early on. I imagined he’d be much like me.

He is fucking nothing like me.

My advice is, OP: wait until your child’s here. Once they are, I imagine your hands will be more than full and you’ll have no time to fret the idealistic, unrealistic utopia from several decades before which, ultimately, exists only in your mind.

I'm glad you had a positive childhood OP, that's great. One thing your post lacks a bit of though is an awareness of diversity of children's personalities and perspective, probably because you haven't seen it first hand yet. I think a common misconception of people who are yet to actively parent is that you will have relative control of how they turn out. If I just parent this way they will turn out this specific way I desire them to be. I thought this too, I saw family members that had kids rigid with schedules around lunch and naps and wondered why they wouldn't chill out a bit. My kids were going to learn to fit around me and my DH. Ha - now we laugh together at how naive we were! Children are unique, one child has an independent streak and wants to work it all out themselves, while another will benefit from more reassurance and guidance. Your child might be shy, timid, hyper, energetic. They might sleep through from day 1 or they might be up through the night until age 5. They might grow to love outdoors, exploring, muddy walks, or they might prefer to curl up with a good book. You don't know until you take that journey with them. I have two boys. My eldest will dive into any chaos, constantly tripping up but equally resilient picking himself up and getting on with it. He is sociable and not fazed by trying new things. My youngest is more cautious, assessing his surroundings before heading into new territory. In a way I have to watch him less, he has a more natural sense of danger. We will see how that shapes in terms of his independence, we will encourage him and support. He is tidy, even as a toddler there is a neatness to him, the other is like a tornado as he is full of ideas. They are both different, and I am parenting them equally. You can parent any way you want, but your child may interpret things differently depending on their personality. There is no one size fits all.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/jul/11/how-to-be-a-norwegian-parent-let-your-kids-roam-free-stay-home-alone-have-fun-and-fail This article made me think of this thread

@LemonViewer this is a great post.

OP I'm glad you had a nice childhood. Good for you.

I grew up rurally, roaming wild, out all day in the summer. We had a great time. Then, the year I took my finals, I was home and a boy was snatched in our town. His body has never been found but we now know what happened to the poor child. The people responsible were responsible for 6 or 7, possibly more appalling child murders. And the accompanying damage to the community reverberated for years. So let's not pretend danger doesn't exist. It is worse now, more drugs, knives, county lines, on-line scams and extortion

My ds has as good a childhood as me, but is better cared for. I make no apology for that.

That!

Wtaf is this post

It's more risky now than ever when the kids go to nursery. Outdoor play with huge reels they climb on and jump off. Mud kitcken with real utensils and my favour (not) a work bench with real hammers saws and drills. So much of it is free play with no structure and little safety

Aye? Eye!

This is nonsense. You get the child you are given with its own personality. Independence means different things to different people, so does strength, so does self fulfilment - what the fuck is that? - another word for smug?

Independence might mean sleeping in their own room finally at the age of eight because of nightmares, or a three year old happy to go to nursery on their own after a struggle. Or Independence might mean your child screaming blue murder at the swimming pool when you want them to learn swimming and they are terrified and saying no to you. Now that is independent thought. it doesn’t mean going to the shops for your mother at the age of minus eleven and freedom isn’t skipping for tadpoles.
And half the computer programmers in the world found their freedom online.

The problem is that the childhood you describe is likely better for society ( in terms of producing more useful people) but comes with higher collateral damage, hence most parents prefer to provide a much more sheltered childhood because they ( understandably) can’t bear the thought of anything bad happening to their kids.

Agreed depends where you live. I am in a small village in Scotland and our kids play outside at the park or down at the woods. Some of them have phones some of them don’t. Most of the children will have to cross a road to go out to play or walk to school on their own with no traffic lights or lollipop person.

Your post sounds rather judgemental and written by someone who “would never bring up their child like that.” Perhaps wait until baby arrives before making such judgements.