What's your secret, selfish fantasy life?

[hairymclary45]

I preface this by saying I love my dh and my dc very much and I know I'm lucky to have them and a job and a roof over our heads etc etc etc.

However my entire life revolves around my obligations to everyone else. Work, clubs, housework, weekends taken up with kids parties or activities. No childcare so dh and I rarely get a break.

I would never wish their childhood away but sometimes (egged on by instagram probably) I think about a selfish, solitary life and what it would look like for me.

I've decided I'd love a very small cottage or flat. Our house is big but full of clutter and crap. I love the idea of having a tiny space where everything I own is either necessary or precious. I would live somewhere in the country, maybe a little market town where I could take myself out early for a lovely walk in nature with my dog. Then go to an independent cafe for a breakfast and coffee. I'd go home, light a fire, read and watch tv all day. Then I'd have a nice bath, get myself dolled up and go to a local pub to watch the football and have a meal.

In reality I'd probably enjoy this for a day or so before I'd miss my kids and my ridiculously busy routine. But it made me wonder what everyone else's dream, selfish, solo life would be.

I'm perpetually 28, live in an amazing apartment in Berlin and have a job in the music / arts industry. I spend my life smoking, drinking German beer and going to gigs. I rent my spare room to touring bands and occasionally have a fling with a gorgeous but arrogant musician.

I want to live in rural Scotland, the Shetlands or somewhere by the coast. I would have a small cottage, my cats and huge fire to read by. I often search for houses and dream about it!

Mine involves a Arts and Crafts house in the Shropshire hills and lots and lots of antiques. I of course would look like my optimal self and drift around in remarkably crease free linen (replaced by quirky yet flattering velvets in the winter) while making frequent forays out to source more of the said antiques, visit galleries and museums and go to concerts. Oh and optimal self will have flowing pre Raphaelite curls, artlessly secured by a silver comb.

As I would be absolutely stinking rich, I'll also have a Huguenot weavers house in Spitalfields for the London life. With a roof garden.

I know I don't want much 😂but as it's a fantasy, I'm making the most of it!

Nine bean rows would I have there and a hive for the honey bee.....

Yes, it’s sad but not surprising that so many women’s fantasies have solitude as a central component. I’m wondering whether this is as a reaction against the experience of family life, as, obviously, remaining single and childfree will have been an option for these posters — as in, that particular aspect of their fantasy was achievable, if not the Scandi chic beach cottages.

I actually have a good friend whose life resembles some of the recurring elements in some fantasies on this thread . She’s single and childfree in her 50s, lives alone with her dog in a tiny house on the coast, teaches yoga, goes sea swimming daily, spends a lot of time dog walking in beautiful woods, makes her own bread, gardens and has excellent friendships, and is genuinely content. But the reason I mention her is that people I know who know her certainly don’t consider her to be living an enviable fantasy life.

Mind you, Yeats wouldn’t have lasted an hour on Inisfree!

I’d live on a big farm somewhere hot and sunny, near a beach. I would have donkeys, goats and chickens and a cat sanctuary.

@Subfusc I actually have a good friend whose life resembles some of the recurring elements in some fantasies on this thread . She’s single and childfree in her 50s, lives alone with her dog in a tiny house on the coast, teaches yoga, goes sea swimming daily, spends a lot of time dog walking in beautiful woods, makes her own bread, gardens and has excellent friendships, and is genuinely content. But the reason I mention her is that people I know who know her certainly don’t consider her to be living an enviable fantasy life.

I'm curious to know what you mean here. Do you mean she seems unhappy, or is it more that they perceive she'd be happier with a partner/children/more going on?

My fantasy life actually differs from most of the ones on here! Mine is a lovely flat in London, I have a high flying corporate job and go out to restaurants, theatre and events on the weekends.

I think having grown up in Devon and living in the country now my fantasy life is the opposite - lots of buzz and fun!

I would live in a caravan travelling permanently around Australia. Rent out my current house to provide an income and just explore. It would take me years to see everything I want to see and plenty of people to meet on the way to keep me company.

I occasionally spend quite a lot of time on Right Move looking at 2 bed cottages with gardens and views for me and a cat. I like my house with my husband ... but sometimes I look back at my single life and think....that was nice.

No, she’s certainly not unhappy, but genuinely, I think, contented. In fact the one thing I envy her is her solid, sane groundedness. She’s the one person I know for whom ‘self-care’ is visibly a thread that runs through her entire life, rather than being occasional bouts of mindfulness/ breathing, and has visible results. Her life suits her, and I have no doubt she will change it if that stops being the case.

I just mean what I said. That of the people I know who also know her, I don’t think any would consider her life in any way particularly enviable, yet she’s living on a day to day basis many of the key elements from the fantasies posters have described — solitary, minimalist, tiny seaside house shared only with a pet, very part-time yoga teaching job done chiefly from home, grows her own food, bakes her own bread, lots of swimming and walking, few external demands on her time etc. Yet lots of friends and social activities she engages with when she wants.

She chose this life and made it happen. Why have the many posters who describe something like this as their fantasy not made it happen for them? Were they trapped in family lives by the societal expectation that it’s the norm to marry and have children, when in fact their fantasy lives would have suited them better? Do people only have these solitary beach house dream lives be cause they have spouses and children? Because I don’t see women queueing up to actually do what my friend has done.

Ooooh good shout! I'd be forever 28 as well and also have romances with rock stars 😂

In my secret dark soul, I think of a sceanrio where my money is not constantly wrapped up in taking care of everyone else, where I am not needed day to day so much and I am free to bugger off on UK breaks 4-5 weeks a year. Just me, alone in various beauty spots and a car loaded with walking gear and good food.

One day I guess the financial and social responsibilities will be gone - I just hope I am not too old myself by then.

Enough money to travel the world forever

Stay in some places for a month, them move onto another place or move every couple of days

Also travel by train, plane, boat, motorbike, horse, sled, bus, camper van etc

That’s not true of everyone. I loved living alone. Did it for 10 years & will do it again one day. I don’t get lonely living on my own. It just suits me. Busy family life not so much unfortunately.

In mine I'm married to Pedro Pascal and I'm an actor too and we live a lovely happy life in New York City. Ahhhhh to dream

Omg have you done a mind meld and seen my fantasy life?!

I would love a full time osteo/physio/sports massager
💆‍♀️ to live on the grounds of my house somewhere sunny and hot and to be at my call
And a live in cook to make me lots of healthy food and I'd be slim and tanned

Little, cottage with just me, the cats, my cross stitch and some books.

Alternatively large 3 winged property where DH and I can live with the DC in separate wings. Plenty of money so no one has to work and meet up for coffee regularly.

I don't do it for a fortnight but I do book a couple of nights in a Premier Inn less than an hour away overlooking the beach. I love it when the wind is howling and the rain is lashing down so I can can feel guilt-free about staying in with books, bath, junk TV and nice things to eat which I've not had to prepare.

I do this roughly every 6 weeks

I wouldn’t change anything other than my career. I would be a doctor, it is something I always wanted to do but was too embarrassed even to admit it incase I couldn’t achieve it, I am now 33, I have a wonderful life with beautiful children, a husband (who is equal parts great and annoying!) a very successful self employed career that I have worked very hard for and that I enjoy and I’m happy.
but in my fantasy life, I would be a hospital doctor.

@Subfusc

That's a really interesting post. I think it's love that pulls us into lives we do not necessarily want and have to make a lot of compromise to work and, of course, being a parent means you put yourself on the back burner for many years.

My real life is a great one. My kids are grown so I don't have day to day caring responsibilities and I can enjoy their company more. My DH is a wonderful man and we have a great marriage. I live a pretty stress free rural life, doing a job I love part time while looking after a menagerie of animals, and I have a beautiful home filled with books.

But I also have a selfish fantasy where I have my dream job, a luxury apartment in Manhattan with a walk in wardrobe, no pets and I never cook, just slip into fabulous clothes and jewellery and eat out every night. But there are no people in that fantasy and I can't do without my DH and my children! I think that is what stops women having the life your friend has - because we don't want it enough to give up certain people and that comes with a lot of compromise. The problem women have, as far as I have observed, is that they are the ones making more compromises and therefore do not get enough balance in their lives, so the pull of your friend's life is much stronger, at every stage.

If something were to happen to my marriage, I think I would happily stay single for the rest of my life and my life would look just like your friends and I would be blissful and content. But the flip side of the coin is that, now that I have met him and shared a life with him, your friend's life does not sound appealing to me at all.

I am also aware of how very lucky I am.

I would have a proper piano, spend half a day a week on my hobbies, and go to the office two or three times a week without feeling guilty about it. I would come home from work to a hug rather than a telling-off. I would be good enough.

@DiscontentedPig Half of your fantasy life is achievable in a very short space of time. Put yourself first. x