DH or me? Not making space for baby

[Moonandstars88]

DH and I need to sort out what will be our LO’s nursery, as they are coming up to the age where we’ll be moving them to their own room. We had not long moved in when I got pregnant so there were some structural things to sort out and we haven’t yet decorated or bought nursery furniture for it. It’s currently just a spare room.

We have had a huge row this evening. The room currently has an old chest of drawers, a sofa bed and a small walk in wardrobe in it. I had thought great, LO has a ready made wardrobe, we can use the same chest of drawers with a lick of paint, fewer ‘new’ things for us to buy. The wardrobe currently is full of DH clothes and random bits, as is the chest of drawers. Not a single thing in there is mine. I expected that we would find other places/storage for that stuff as it’s not anything he uses regularly.

DH announced tonight that he intends to not move a single thing out of the room. He won’t clear any space in the wardrobe. He won’t empty any of the drawers. He refuses to move anything other than the sofa bed. He said we should buy a new standalone wardrobe (!), chest of drawers and cot for LO, insists that it will all fit.

AIBU to feel upset by this? I want LO to have a nice nursery with plenty of space for their clothes, toys etc. I don’t want them to essentially have to share a room with all of their father’s ‘things’, with too much furniture cluttering it up, looking mismatched and awful. It’s not a huge room by any stretch.

DH insists that it’s fine, LO won’t care what the nursery looks like and what things are in there, but it’s not about that though, is it?

We are at a total impasse. He does not see my point of view at all. I just feel really sad, even if this sounds very petty!

AIBU?

He's a hoarder and needs to seek help, without help he will not get better, also did he want children?
I would more the chest of drawers with his things in into the other spare room out the way, he can't be allowed to have three bedrooms with his stuff in.

If he doesn't sort it out now he never will.

Give him another month to sort his shit out or tell him you will be booking a skip and chucking it all in.

Your child will accumulate more and more stuff as they get older and more birthdays and Xmas pass. Of course he needs to move his stuff. YANBU.

I sincerely hope OP that all of the posters pointing out to you that this is a mental health issue helps the penny drop for you.

He is mentally ill.
You denying it and tolerating/normalising this will make this worse.
He needs to get help.
You need to get help.

You are having a baby with a man with a serious mental health issue and you need to protect you both.
Speak to family and friends for support.
This will impact your child, remember that.

Take action now before the baby arrives.

Easy, keep everything in the spare room inc the sofa bed and move selfish husband in there and keep LO in with you😂

Could you get build in wardrobes made for the room? We still need some storage space in our daughter’s room as we don’t have a lot of storage space in the house unfortunately. We got wardrobes built in with sliding doors. At the moment we only need one side of shelving areas and about a quarter of the rail space as she’s just a baby. The rest of the space we keep our bulky jumpers etc and some of her toys that she’s not ready for yet. It works well for us for now. By the time she needs more wardrobe space for herself we will have moved in to a bigger house.

Have you tried asking your dh what his room was like growing up? What he wants to be the same for your child, and what he wants different?

That might get him thinking….

Do you only have 2 bedrooms in your house? Also if you need to move to a bigger house to keep his stuff then maybe he should try saving instead of buying more stuff. I'd put everything in binliners when he's out and fill the drawers and tell him to put his away somewhere else

Storage boxes don't solve a hoarding problem!

Am so sorry that you’re in this predicament and will say that as he’s a hoarder it will not improve, just worsen.
My granddaughter didn’t have her own bedroom until she was almost three and that was because his parents eventually got involved. My granddaughters dad had full boxes wall to wall and every bit of floor space, the only space for her to move about was on her parents bed, my daughter had to store pushchair and her things in her car, they’re now separated.
Living with a hoarder is impossible.
The thing is after she left him he kept blaming her, why didn’t you tell me, talk through all this through…… she had for three years!

I didn’t say it would. It solves the issue the OP is having with the look of the nursery that she wants for now though. Solving the hording problem is a longer term problem. I literally stated it doesn’t solve all the issues.

Another selfish man.

You may have slowed him down a bit, but its not in check. He is already planning to fill your current house up completely and then move to a bigger house, with all that entails, stamp duty, bigger mortgage, moving costs, simply so he has more room to hoard. He's telling you loud and clear he has no intention of ever stopping. Please dont leave his stuff in the babies room, he will eventually start putting things there, but having it free of his things from the start and a hard boundary will buy your child a bit more time. Don't buy into him agreeing he won't add more stuff to the room if you let him keep his clothes there. Sooner or later he'll run out of space and he'll fill that space up to or you'll feel pressured to move.

He needs support with his mental health, this isn't going to get better without that. Failing him getting support and if you have the money Id find a psychologist that specialises in this and talk to them about what to do and long term prognosis, chance of recovery. Some PPs essentially said dont sweat the small stuff, but this isn't small stuff, it's the tip of the iceberg on a really massive problem. And like when you're dealing with any other mental health issues boundaries of steel are really important. Its different once you have a child with someone with mental health issues, your LO needs to come first now, not him.

No - put a stop to it now. Or 5 years down the line you find you’ve moved to your new house with 2 children - and somehow all the crap you told your husband to SORT OUT and THROW SOME OUT has moved with you. If you give an inch the hoarder will take a mile. From reading your comments - if this is the smaller of your spare rooms - say ok - well move rhe things from your other spare room into here and baby can have that. You at least need to keep your things in one place.

I adopted so it's a bit different. Child was14
months old and already in their own room at the foster carers house when they came to live with me.

I can't tell you how many times when I've had community health visitors and social works come visit, they want to see the child's room. It's obviously very important. They don't care about the rest of the house, but that room they always check.

I think It's really important that child have their own space, even if it's shared with another child once they no longer sleep with their parents.
You hear on here that families which are over-crowded and lack bedrooms for everyone, it's the parents sleeping on the sofa.

My child has their own small double sized room with massive built in wardrobes and chest of drawers. They came with plenty of clothes and toys, I went from having absolutely nothing in my house for a child to their room (plus loads in the loft) being jam packed!
I bulk buy nappies, wipes toiletries etc because it's cheaper and I don't unexpectedly run out. Clothes are a nightmare, so many different coats and jackets and even sleep suits because of our changeable climate and how they grow.
I have a permanent charity shop bag in the wardrobe because every week some item because redundant.
Zillions of toys stored in their room so I can rotate them and the rest of my house doesn't look like a nursery.
Spare duvets, bedding, muslins, potties, suitcase, travel cot, loads of different footwear, plus all the stuff that is slightly too big but I keep nearby because they suddenly fit that size. Books, books, books everywhere! Luckily not quite a soft toy fan yet, but still loads of them about too. Spare Towels and swimming stuff live in their room too.
I used to use the top of the chest of drawers to change nappies - but now that's done on the run

There's also a big comfortable 'nursing chair' for pre-bedtime cuddles. And a bean bag for jumping games and small side table for bricks and train track. It makes it feel homely and like it's 'their room' even if we don't play in there very much.

Luckily because of all the storage the room looks nice and not a jumble sale (I also hang my child's outer clothes up in the wardrobe as I have ADHD and if I can't see it, I won't know I've got it and it saves me buying stuff when I've already got it!)

I absolutely hate the influx of all the stuff, but it's very necessary and I want to keep it all there on hand in the same place - the room is full. I can imagine being able to store another persons stuff in there too.

Kids grow so quickly and there's never a gonna be a better time to clear out that room, I have no idea what you can do if he still says no, maybe use his clothes to catch baby vomit as 'they were closest thing to hand'!

Doesn't work with hoarders. They won't let you get rid of the current furniture and will genuinely stack it up against the built-in doors (which they will also have filled with more of their shite) if it's even possible to get into the room to build one without falling over more stuff.

So he has your shared bedroom plus two spare rooms full of his stuff.

He sounds like a hoarder;I'm betting he's not worn any of those stored clothes or used many of those stored things for ages either.

It's also abit king of the castle like behaviour too.

Did you know that you will be moving to a bigger house one day ?
' or have moved to a bigger house!! '

Is that realistic / affordable ? i.e. do you have enough money to do so, or would it need to be a bigger mortgage ?

can you afford the costs of moving house ? i.e. stamp duty / solicitors / removal companies

is this not a lot to pay out just for his storage...