DH or me? Not making space for baby

[Moonandstars88]

DH and I need to sort out what will be our LO’s nursery, as they are coming up to the age where we’ll be moving them to their own room. We had not long moved in when I got pregnant so there were some structural things to sort out and we haven’t yet decorated or bought nursery furniture for it. It’s currently just a spare room.

We have had a huge row this evening. The room currently has an old chest of drawers, a sofa bed and a small walk in wardrobe in it. I had thought great, LO has a ready made wardrobe, we can use the same chest of drawers with a lick of paint, fewer ‘new’ things for us to buy. The wardrobe currently is full of DH clothes and random bits, as is the chest of drawers. Not a single thing in there is mine. I expected that we would find other places/storage for that stuff as it’s not anything he uses regularly.

DH announced tonight that he intends to not move a single thing out of the room. He won’t clear any space in the wardrobe. He won’t empty any of the drawers. He refuses to move anything other than the sofa bed. He said we should buy a new standalone wardrobe (!), chest of drawers and cot for LO, insists that it will all fit.

AIBU to feel upset by this? I want LO to have a nice nursery with plenty of space for their clothes, toys etc. I don’t want them to essentially have to share a room with all of their father’s ‘things’, with too much furniture cluttering it up, looking mismatched and awful. It’s not a huge room by any stretch.

DH insists that it’s fine, LO won’t care what the nursery looks like and what things are in there, but it’s not about that though, is it?

We are at a total impasse. He does not see my point of view at all. I just feel really sad, even if this sounds very petty!

AIBU?

What a dick of course the baby should have their own room with own things in.

Are you short on space? We’re lacking storage and 3YO DS has a massive wardrobe that goes all the way up to the very tall ceiling so he shares the hanging space with DH’s suits and we stash stuff like skiwear and spare bedding/towels on the upper shelves. I don’t think it’s unusual is it? 7YO DD has the only access to the eaves storage in her room and all the suitcases live under her bed. Needs must!

I assume DH is just naive to the realities of older babies, toddlers and eventually kids and all their stuff! I’d do exactly @MMmomDD says.

Thanks for all the replies - lots along the same theme so will try and answer here for ease!

He has a LOT of storage and lots and lots of clothes. I’m quite minimalist in comparison. There’s a whole other spare bedroom which is majority his things. He absolutely could cut down or store some of the stuff in the attic or garage, so it’s not a question of not having the space.

I asked him what about when DC is older and his answer was either we will have sorted out better storage by then (what, I’m not sure!) or have moved to a bigger house!!

Unfortunately yes, this is quite symptomatic of how he is generally, very selfish and precious about his things.

I’m really hoping as time goes on he will realise that DC needs their own space but I’m fuming at the moment.

What a horrible selfish attitude your DH has.
You would think he would be really wanting to be involved in making this room special for the baby.
Instead it sounds as though he wants to establish his wants/ needs are more important than his child's.
Particularly unpleasant as you say his things could be stored elsewhere in your home.
I dread to think what your DH is going to be like going forward if he always is going to put himself before his child

I think (and hope) you’re right - I don’t think he has quite grasped that we now have three people living in this house and DC will need their own space like he does with his things. We will prioritise the cot and go from there. I’m hoping that he will soon see how ridiculous it is to stuff the room full of more furniture and how much storage DC actually needs!

i guess part of it is me just feeling sad we won’t have the nice well furnished nurseries you see on SM - I’m not usually one for looking at SM as reality but I really wanted to give DC a lovely bedroom.

Does he have hoarding tendencies?

100% yes! I manage to keep him in check so our house looks normal but it’s hard work! He has the loft basically filled with his things etc.

Initially I was going to say that sometimes children do have rooms where other things are stored if there is lack of storage but your updates sound worrying. If he has a whole other room ,I'd move the wardrobe and chest in there and then furnish your child's room. Just do it of he doesn't agree because it's rediculous not to and he's go his things still and the furniture. Hope you can wrangle the furniture to the other room.

Oh for goodness sake. The baby won't have a clue for a good couple of years.

I can't believe people are talking about when the kid is 14.

You don't need a perfect fancy pants nursery at the detriment of your DH

Where is all your stuff? Are you using more of the space in your bedroom? Maybe you should budge up and make more space for your DH in your room

@Moonandstars88

Those pretty SM nurseries are pointless, really. And it’s really more important that when your child is a toddler+ that you have a functional and safe space for them.

I know its annoying H is not on board with prioritising the child’s needs. I think it’s often a man‘s thing. It takes them a while to get adjusted to the new pecking order - ie not being the Centre of the family universe….

Just keep at it. Annoying as it is now - its not worth the aggravation. And - as you and you DC grows into the room - start nudging his stuff. He does not need to know.
Small creeping changes are hard to resist.

If there's an extra spare room put the chest of drawers and new wardrobe in there, it won't matter if that room is a bit cluttered. The baby gets a cot, new drawers and the walk in wardrobe. And toy and book storage! Kids spend far more time in their rooms than adults, playing etc so it makes sense for you to make it a lovely space

Oh dear you've shacked up with a hoarder.

Good luck OP as I also live with one.

Yes I was going to say he sounds like a hoarder. It’s not looking good!!!

At the DETRIMENT of the DH, @letsgoooo ?? The selfish arse has manspread his belongings all over the house, he’s hardly disadvantaged!
Will you need a chair, etc. for feeding, OP? It should be a lovely, calm, practical space for your baby to learn how to feel safe and settled - not constantly invaded and banged around in trying to find stuff!
As the child whose room was used for ‘communal’ storage (and who hated it as it never felt like the space was truly mine), I would urge you to try again to set some ground rules now…

You need to make sure your dc does lots of painting and glitter play in their room once they reach toddler years

Oh God you live with a hoarder.

If you buy more furniture for baby how long before you find his stuff in there too?

I was going to say that the first sign of a hoarder, rather than somebody who happens to have a lot of possessions, is where their solution to needing some of their stuff moved is to buy additional furniture and 'solutions' to put stuff in.

But you've confirmed he's a hoarder.

It doesn't get any better.

You have two spare rooms. His stuff goes into one of 5em, fill it up. Then the baby has a room that is theirs, perhaps with the sofa bed in as well.

if his spare storage bedroom is too cramped, up to him to sort.

So he has the loft space, the other spare room, "baby's" room, presumably half of your bedroom - all full of his stuff?! He's a hoarder for sure.
How does he afford to add to all this "stuff" with a new baby?
You need to sit down and talk about where this is heading.

Same here. Mine would be told to shift it or it’s off to Oxfam in my car. But he wouldn’t- because he never would have thought that he could store clothes in our DC’s room.

I mean, it'll be a long time before your DS is playing in his room. At this stage it's literally somewhere for a cot, cuddles and clothes.

I do get it, I really wanted a perfect nursery for DS. I grafted to get it ready before he came but then we moved when he was 8 months so it was only actually used for 2 months anyways! When we moved house, we had stuff in every room for ages. Took several months to get his room ready so he was close to 2 before he actually had his proper bedroom.

I don't think your DH needs to shift stuff straight away, but I would worry more that he doesn't want to, seemingly ever(?). He should want to give his child a nice bedroom.

He needs to pick which bedroom to give up.

He’s a hoarder and therefore it’s going to be very difficult to win him around but I don’t see why he can’t store his stuff elsewhere in the house, it’s not like you’re saying get rid of it? Why can’t he store it elsewhere?

If he won’t shift could you compromise
and find a way to keep most of his stuff in that room whilst still achieving the look of the nursery that you want by maximising storage usage.

So for example can you buy a larger set of drawers and get rid of the current smaller one, then he has half and the baby has half.

Also can he clear some space in the wardrobe, babies don’t really need much hanging space at all. Fill any space in wardrobe (spare shelf,
on top, on floor etc) with organisation boxes, you can fit loads of stuff in them.

You could get a cot with get a cot with under cot drawers you can use to store bedding and toys etc.

Use lots of storage boxes/baskets/shelves around the room for storing more baby stuff.

It could still look lovely.

Doesn’t fix his selfishness though.

And husband, I would say.
Doesn't seem keen on becoming a father.

I'm sorry your husband is a selfish idiot, and you've got a nightmare ahead of you with his hoarding.