DH or me? Not making space for baby

[Moonandstars88]

DH and I need to sort out what will be our LO’s nursery, as they are coming up to the age where we’ll be moving them to their own room. We had not long moved in when I got pregnant so there were some structural things to sort out and we haven’t yet decorated or bought nursery furniture for it. It’s currently just a spare room.

We have had a huge row this evening. The room currently has an old chest of drawers, a sofa bed and a small walk in wardrobe in it. I had thought great, LO has a ready made wardrobe, we can use the same chest of drawers with a lick of paint, fewer ‘new’ things for us to buy. The wardrobe currently is full of DH clothes and random bits, as is the chest of drawers. Not a single thing in there is mine. I expected that we would find other places/storage for that stuff as it’s not anything he uses regularly.

DH announced tonight that he intends to not move a single thing out of the room. He won’t clear any space in the wardrobe. He won’t empty any of the drawers. He refuses to move anything other than the sofa bed. He said we should buy a new standalone wardrobe (!), chest of drawers and cot for LO, insists that it will all fit.

AIBU to feel upset by this? I want LO to have a nice nursery with plenty of space for their clothes, toys etc. I don’t want them to essentially have to share a room with all of their father’s ‘things’, with too much furniture cluttering it up, looking mismatched and awful. It’s not a huge room by any stretch.

DH insists that it’s fine, LO won’t care what the nursery looks like and what things are in there, but it’s not about that though, is it?

We are at a total impasse. He does not see my point of view at all. I just feel really sad, even if this sounds very petty!

AIBU?

Hoarding is a mental illness, often routed in anxiety etc. Usually not selfishness. He needs a solid talking to and help. Any attempt to sort it out yourself risks a very extreme reaction from him.

He sounds like prize twat to me.

Tough

When a friend of mine divorced, she realised for the first time that one person had been taking up 3/4 of the space in their house, and the other three people had squeezed into the remaining 1/4.

Tell him not to be that dad.

Ask him how he's going to feel when baby is crawling and his things gets damaged... it'll be his own fault

It sounds like it's his way or the highway in your house OP! How often do you find yourself backing down because he won't compromise? On the face of it, it doesn't seem like a big thing, him refusing to move his stuff but don't you feel that you need to put your foot down and insist at some point?

I agree, I imagine you've tried other approaches over time, if he can't accept he's got an issue with hoarding then you can't just continue to live around it for fear of causing him upset.

Technically DH is right: LO won't give a toss about its nursery.

But that's not how it works. A special room with special things inside mean tjat someone new is coming. DH's refusal to budge shows that,
a) he doesn't understand this, or
b) it's all about him.

Just do it. Too msny wpmen wait for their other half to agree wgen they have every right to organise their own homes.

Or doesn't ypur opinion count?

What will happen once your child is old enough to open the drawers and has great fun going through them and playing with the contents?

You need to know that everything in a toddler's room is child safe.

He's being an idiot. I bet half of it is crap.

We used to use an entire spare room. Two in fact. When kids come along you prioritise what you need and make space. It's a normal part of life.

God knows what we filled those rooms with now.

How is he otherwise with the baby?

Hoarding is tough. My sister has 150 pairs of socks, 58 vest tops and 95 knickers. Just for starters.

I wasted a Saturday last year helping her "organize" her hellhole of a bedroom. She would not part with a single item no matter how shit, old and ratty. So basically zero progress after six hours on my feet sorting and folding.

Will your husband attend counseling? If he expects the spare room AND the nursery to be his storage, he's got a major problem.

He’s got a spare room for his stuff already. Allocate that as his and move all his crap stuff in there. If it won’t fit in, then he needs to get rid of some of it. It’s completely selfish of him not to let his child have their own room.

My little boy is 2 now and he uses his bedroom. He has some of his toys in there and his clothes, bed and books etc. It's his space, and he knows it is his own space.

Say nothing further. In fact be totally amenable and agree with him. Buy the new furniture- stuff you really like, cram it all in so it looks shit, but still say nothing, then sit back and wait.
It will be massively inconvenient for your DH to keep going backwards and forwards , and when your LO is asleep he’s not going to get in anyway.
Sometimes battles are won not by shouting, but by letting things unfold in their own time.
Never say I told you so- it’s not worth it, but when he moves his stuff out, sit back in the smug knowledge you were right all along. 😁

I agree.

OP, you say yourself that this is social media-led, rather than a necessity.

Do you have a shed, garage, loft or cupboard? If so fold his stuff put it in bin bags and store it there.

He is a hoarder. This is a serious issue.
he needs to ask his GP for a referral for help and you need to have the mother and father not all rows to allow you shared child to have his own space.

i think too many people are underestimating this

If your Dh doesn't use the items surely it's time for him to declutter and throw some items away?

This. Hoarding is very pernicious and it isn't easy to manage. He's already taken over most of your house and will fight to retain his items. Against you and the baby.

He needs to admit he has an issue and seek help for it.

Nesting and making a beautiful space for your new child is a really special thing, I can absolutely understand why you are furious about this, it might not be a functional requirement to have only baby stuff in there, but it’s a milestone and he is fucking with something nice you are trying to do.
It’s not just about social media is it, it’s almost like a ritual or a rite of passage. And it’s not necessary for him to put his stuff there,
obviously if you had no space, it would be different but that’s not the case
The trouble is if you just give in you may feel very resentful about it. Very tricky situation, but I don’t think you’re being silly at all. Sounds like whatever happens you might have a need to to make that room beautiful in your own eyes, this is part of your journey of motherhood as well

There’s a whole other spare bedroom which is majority his things.

Fucking hell.

I asked him what about when DC is older and his answer was either we will have sorted out better storage by then (what, I’m not sure!) or have moved to a bigger house!!

The Hoarder's Playbook 101.

I manage to keep him in check so our house looks normal but it’s hard work! He has the loft basically filled with his things etc.

You will not be able to keep controlling this, and your passivity is already massively working against you. You bring up his stuff, he barks, you back off. This cannot continue. The time to deal with him is now. He cannot just lord over every inch of your home. Why have you tolerated it this long?

Unfortunately yes, this is quite symptomatic of how he is generally, very selfish and precious about his things.

I am being very serious in that you have an enormous problem on your hands which is never going to magically resolve itself. Even with therapy, hoarders are rarely "cured", and as you hopefully start standing up to him, he will become very abusive.

I’m really hoping as time goes on he will realise that DC needs their own space.

Whether he realises it or not isn't the issue, because even if he does, he still won't do anything about it. He's a hoarder. Nothing, not you, not your child, is more important than his stuff.

I have personal experience with a hoarder and this does not get better, and you doing nothing about it is only going to prolong the inevitable. You will not be able to live like this happily, and if he refuses to change, right now, you and your child will be living in an absolutely horrendous environment. The children of hoarders are scarred for life.

I'd actually put your foot down on this one.

You say that he has another room where he stores his stuff.

I'd move all the stuff from the child's room into that room.

He needs to realise that there are three people living in the house and all three need to be treated seriously

And actually living with a hoarder is really bad for other people's mental health .

So this is actually serious and you need to tackle it

I 100% agree. Being patient and nice isn't going to get you anywhere. Push has definitely come to shove, and it is entirely reasonable to move his stuff. He is not the fucking master of the home.

Totally agree. This is very very serious and needs tackling tomorrow and you need to read up on hoarding and really work out what you are currently tip toeing around.
it’s serious enough to consider moving out with you little baby

He does sound like hard work OP.
I guess I would have some sympathy if he really is a hoarder as they literally will not let anything go. You’re on a hiding to nothing if he isn’t prepared to work on it though :(