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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH or me? Not making space for baby

118 replies

Moonandstars88 · 09/07/2024 18:03

DH and I need to sort out what will be our LO’s nursery, as they are coming up to the age where we’ll be moving them to their own room. We had not long moved in when I got pregnant so there were some structural things to sort out and we haven’t yet decorated or bought nursery furniture for it. It’s currently just a spare room.

We have had a huge row this evening. The room currently has an old chest of drawers, a sofa bed and a small walk in wardrobe in it. I had thought great, LO has a ready made wardrobe, we can use the same chest of drawers with a lick of paint, fewer ‘new’ things for us to buy. The wardrobe currently is full of DH clothes and random bits, as is the chest of drawers. Not a single thing in there is mine. I expected that we would find other places/storage for that stuff as it’s not anything he uses regularly.

DH announced tonight that he intends to not move a single thing out of the room. He won’t clear any space in the wardrobe. He won’t empty any of the drawers. He refuses to move anything other than the sofa bed. He said we should buy a new standalone wardrobe (!), chest of drawers and cot for LO, insists that it will all fit.

AIBU to feel upset by this? I want LO to have a nice nursery with plenty of space for their clothes, toys etc. I don’t want them to essentially have to share a room with all of their father’s ‘things’, with too much furniture cluttering it up, looking mismatched and awful. It’s not a huge room by any stretch.

DH insists that it’s fine, LO won’t care what the nursery looks like and what things are in there, but it’s not about that though, is it?

We are at a total impasse. He does not see my point of view at all. I just feel really sad, even if this sounds very petty!

AIBU?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 09/07/2024 21:18

If he's using 2 bedrooms for his stuff, why can't the furniture just be shoved in the other room?

I'd wait till he was out me and just do it and why are you caving?

Tbh I couldn't live with a hoarder, it would be separate houses all the way. Do what they want then.

Inkyblue123 · 09/07/2024 21:19

If you are in a small house with only 2 bedrooms then I can see his point about keeping his stuff in there. My LO room as a chest of drawers and wardrobe with my SO stuff cos we don’t have the space in the main bedroom. Whist a pretty nursery is lively , they won’t really need it till they are a bit older. We plan on redoing my LO bedroom when she’s old enough for bunk beds and we can sort out proper storage. How much if his stuff is just clutter - could you declutter the main bedroom and make space?

Tiredalwaystired · 09/07/2024 21:19

Remind him that your child is a human being. He seems to have forgotten they have their own needs. Which in a matter of months will be very different from now. He isn’t going to get away without making this sacrifice.

thecatsthecats · 09/07/2024 21:22

GrumpyPanda · 09/07/2024 18:10

Can you put some baby stuff and toys into his space so that they're maximally annoying to him? For instance, impacting on wfh space if applicable?

Edited

I did this. Baby is almost nine months old, and the boxes are all over the floor of our spare bedroom/his office. He winged about them because he gets asthma and can't vacuum.

However about a dozen t-shirts have made it into a bag for a charity shop. Woopdedoo.

(note, in spite of my offer of taking it to the clothes bank, he says he wants it to go to a shop - in spite of being hampered by the baby, I've taken 15 bags of outgrown stuff to charity, yet his half-filled bag hasn't budged a smegging inch)

Just evict the stuff OP. And don't give up any of your fair share of space because he can't get his act together and sort his crap out.

EatTheGnome · 09/07/2024 21:23

I'm, I'm not laughing about this at all but I did actually laugh out loud at his solution!

Ask him if he deserves a bedroom and doesn't his child? It's nit a spare room any more, it's his child's space that he is encroaching on. What a tool.

FeatherBoas · 09/07/2024 21:23

Is there room for him to put his stuff somewhere else? How much storage space do you have?

Iaskedyouthrice · 09/07/2024 21:29

Sounds like you have pandered to his hoarding tendencies for long enough. I'm confused as to why you are 'hoping' he will change as your child grows and not willing to tell him to move his stuff. He's a hoarder, he won't change will he? By the time baby is older, there will be even more shit. When it starts to affect your child, it's time to start speaking up.

thatstakingalongtimetoboil · 09/07/2024 21:34

That's horrible. I'd want it all cleared out and done especially for the baby. His probably not gonna use any of that stuff anyway

OhcantthInkofaname · 09/07/2024 21:36

To JLT24: your idea on the half and half won't work because the hoarders "half" keeps expanding.

Catnipcupcakes · 09/07/2024 21:42

“note, in spite of my offer of taking it to the clothes bank, he says he wants it to go to a shop”

He’s thinking he could go down there and buy them back…

OhcantthInkofaname · 09/07/2024 21:46

I didn't get to edit my above post but hoarding is a mental illness. He needs treatment. People who live with these people always come in second to the hoard.

Lourdes12 · 09/07/2024 22:05

Hoarder! It will only get worse

Elphamouche · 09/07/2024 23:16

Just bin his stuff a bit at a time. Our Nursery was DH’s room of stuff, massively condensed by him (and then re condensed by me!) before she came along. She’s had a full nursery to herself since I was 37 weeks pregnant and she will be in with us until she’s at least 6m!

coolkatt · 09/07/2024 23:46

Sorry I would turf him out. What a selfish greedy git.
Making up the nursery is all part of the fun part of being pregnant and eating so to speak, your baby deserves the cutest room with all her/his stuff all together. The fact ur man has another room on top of this is pathetic. I swear I'd kick him out. Do u think he is jealous of the baby? Cos he sounds like one himself.

Venice241 · 09/07/2024 23:54

OP, you are very naive if you think this will improve.
Hoarding is a mental health issue.
He is completely unreasonable and so are you if you think you will change him.
You have made a huge mistake having a baby with him so I would strongly suggest you bullet proof your contraception.

Yours was a 100% reasonable request which he point blank refused to entertain and caused a row.
This is who he is. Hoarders very very rarely change. His anger at the suggestion of change is who he is.

Protect yourself as I see a very stressful future ahead of you with you feeling very unheard.

InWalksBarberalla · 10/07/2024 00:02

letsgoooo · 09/07/2024 19:17

Oh for goodness sake. The baby won't have a clue for a good couple of years.

I can't believe people are talking about when the kid is 14.

You don't need a perfect fancy pants nursery at the detriment of your DH

Where is all your stuff? Are you using more of the space in your bedroom? Maybe you should budge up and make more space for your DH in your room

He already has a whole another room for his stuff. He doesn't need the nursery as well. He sounds like a garden variety selfish man child.

thecatsthecats · 10/07/2024 06:28

Catnipcupcakes · 09/07/2024 21:42

“note, in spite of my offer of taking it to the clothes bank, he says he wants it to go to a shop”

He’s thinking he could go down there and buy them back…

No, he's not quite that daft, but he is an optimist about doing things the best possible way, whereas I think adequate is better than not at all.

I've got people coming round, so I've stuck the latest bag (half full of my stuff anyway) under the pram.

JLT24 · 10/07/2024 06:35

OhcantthInkofaname · 09/07/2024 21:36

To JLT24: your idea on the half and half won't work because the hoarders "half" keeps expanding.

I didn’t say it would fix his hoarding issues. That’s a separate issue that needs to be addressed obviously. I said it’s a way for the OP to still have the room ‘looking’ how she wants for now. It’s possible to keep bare minimum of baby stuff in that room and still have it looking how she wants.

autienotnaughty · 10/07/2024 06:44

Honestly I'd draw a line and move his stuff out the room. If he doesn't like it he can leave.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/07/2024 06:55

redskydarknight · 09/07/2024 18:14

Are you short of storage somewhere else? I don't think it's that unusual for families to store clothes in each others rooms if that's where the storage is. Your baby is not going to need more than a a chest of drawers for their clothes for quite a few years, so if there's nowhere else for his stuff to go, then he could move his drawer stuff into the wardrobe and let the baby have the drawers, as a compromise.

Where is your stuff and do you have more storage space than he does? If you do, then I would suggest you can move your stuff instead and let him take over that space?

I agree with this

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 10/07/2024 06:58

Don't leave it there, it'll just creep up slowly until that rooms full of his stuff too. He's got the attic, the 3rd bedroom, your shared bedroom and the garage with his stuff in them. The child deserves a room that is safe from his Dad's hoarding. I don't think you're really containing it OP, it's only contained because he still has space to hoard and he thinks his child's bedroom is fair game too. Once he's out of hidden space he'll start storing it in halls and corners of rooms until every room is full. He's already said when this house is full the solution will be buying a bigger place.

Codlingmoths · 10/07/2024 07:03

You say calmly, every time we see friends or family from now on I’m gong to say to every single one of them that dh has a wardrobe in our room and uses two spare bedrooms and refuses to clear any out for the baby’s room,
then I will either leave it there so they can judge away, or I might add for the good friends ‘ so I’m telling you now so you understand if you hear a room in our house had a suspicious fire, as my baby is moving into their own lovely tidy room at the end of the year no matter what dh thinks.’

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 10/07/2024 07:05

JLT24 · 10/07/2024 06:35

I didn’t say it would fix his hoarding issues. That’s a separate issue that needs to be addressed obviously. I said it’s a way for the OP to still have the room ‘looking’ how she wants for now. It’s possible to keep bare minimum of baby stuff in that room and still have it looking how she wants.

Edited
Show quote history

If his stuff stays in the room it will take over the room, it's that simple. He has a very challenging mental health issue. There needs to be a very strong boundary from the start. He already has attic storage, 3rd bedroom for storage, garage and space in the master bedroom, while the OP has very little anywhere. Giving into this means her husband will take over the child's space more and more. They deserve one space free of their Dad's things. Its likely this will get worse so this boundary is very important and I wouldn't let a single one of his items in that room ever.

Codlingmoths · 10/07/2024 07:05

And add you realise our friends will not only be judging but also watching hoarders shows on tv and thinking ‘that’s him! He needs mental health support!’ I support your getting counselling if this is emotionally distressing, but you shouldn’t have agreed to have a baby if you weren’t going to make any space. Baby is here now and I am going to make sure they get space in their own house. With or without you.

3luckystars · 10/07/2024 07:06

I know what happened, he is a hoarder, when it affected you, you could cope with that, but now it’s affecting you child, you can see the ‘wrongness’ of it.

He is 100% wrong but hoarding is a mental illness so this a huge problem and will only get worse. I wish you all the best x