Inheritance argument with DP

[Closie]

I’ll start with some background. DP and I have been together for 14 years, lived together for 10. We were both married before and had a son each from our previous relationships. His son is 28, my son is 27. I got divorced, my ex is alive and involved with DS always has been. DPs wife passed away.

Our current home is the home DP and his wife bought together before their son was born. When his wife died the life insurance paid off what was left of the mortgage, covered his sons uni costs and took them on holidays etc.
When I got divorced we sold our marital home, I saved my half and lived in a rental for 6 years as I couldn’t afford a mortgage alone. The money I saved has since been used for DS’ uni costs and gap year.

DP has decided we need to get our wills in order and a point of contention is the house we currently live in. He believes it should be left to his DS in entirety when we both die, his argument being that it was paid for first by his and his late wife’s hard work, then by his late wife’s life insurance so I haven’t actually contributed anything. I disagree, I’ve lived here for 10 years which has prevented me from having an asset of my own and I’ve contributed to upkeep and repairs. I think at the very least it should be 25/75 though ideally 33/66. We have agreed though that however it is split I should be allowed to continue living here if he were to die first.
He also thinks we should leave everything else we have (life insurance or pensions) to our respective children, I think I’m ok with this.
Now I’m not sure if this is clouding my judgement so I will mention that his
DS has recently inherited from his grandparents on his mother side, a 7 figure sum with which he has bought a house outright. Now I know that technically isn’t relevant but it certainly influences how I feel.

So AIBU to think the house should be split between our children in some way, or is he right?

@Wotcher a couple of posters isn't "all the posters" though is it? The vast, vast majority of posters have said that the OP has been in a very privileged position and paying for some decorating is not the same as investing in the house. Stop trying to make this a male versus female issue-that is not the case here and just derails the thread.

And she is not a lodger, she is in a relationship. It's one thing to pay rent when someone has mortgage costs but again, that wasn't the case here, as her partner owns the house outright. You shouldn't be looking to make money from your partner, but to share the costs. The OP has done that as she says she has contributed to the bills and house stuff which is fair enough, although that still does not give her a claim on the house, which again, is fair enough.

If I were you & considering you've not done any major projects, I'd see the decorating / upkeep as you paying some "rent" + leave it at that. I don't think you should have a share of the property, to be honest.

You've admitted you haven't been saving in the time you've been living rent & mortgage free & have reduced to part time, which was your choice, but that inevitably means you haven't built up a pot. I don't think you can have some of his late wife's to compensate!

Also, you've chosen not to marry, which suggests you weren't looking for the relationship to have a legal standing.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you say you've been married & divorced + you're clearly a reasonably intelligent person, so this one comes down to you not planning/ having those conversations earlier. X

so you've gone to part time rather than working full time and buying your own investment property to give to your own son, so want DP to give him part of his? You say you've not even invested massively in it beyond half basic decorating so it isn't like you've chucked in 50k for renovations etc.
Sorry but yabu. Yes his son is now technically a millionaire and will get his Dads house too, but that's life. It doesn't affect your son in anyway.

General decorating etc is not really contributing to upkeep imo.
Lots of people decorate etc a rental property, it doesn't make it theirs.
From what you've said it hasn't needed anything substantial anyway.
You could have bought a rental property as you had no housing costs. If you wanted your son to inherit a property.
I think your partner is correct. It should go to his son. It was his mothers life insurance that paid for the house.
Even if you had contributed to more than general upkeep i would think the same. You would have benefitted from any improvements whilst living there and you will retain the right to live there even if your partner passes before you.
Why would you expect more?

How long did your son and the DPS son live together as a blended family.

Maybe just my thinking but as your DP's wife died while they were a married couple I'd naturally see it that the 50% which would have been his mum's would go to your DP's son anyway.

If I died I'd like to think that my DH would consider that would be my wishes.

Sorry OP, but you are absolutely deluded if you think your son is entitled to one penny from a house he has never lived in, owned outright by his mothers partner.

The inheritance by your partners son has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with you.
Your partner is 100% correct in securing the inheritance for his child as a result of his mothers death years ago.

He is to be hugely commended for this.

I can understand your disquiet at the discrepancy in situations but that is 100% on you and your Ex husband.

Start a savings plan for your son if you can, but you would be very silly to mess up this relationship for this issue.

You are very lucky that he is agreeing in your right to remain until death in the house.

Apologies if this is not what you hoped to read.

Excellent question!

This.

Agree. And start putting money away. You're in a very precarious position.

But the house isn't yours or your son's. DP seems really attached to it though. Do you live in her shadow generally?

I don’t understand why you have only just thought of all this!

Seems to me it's all there in the OP; the DP earns much more and clearly there's a LOT of money in the family for the stepson to have received a huge inheritance, so perhaps OP thought she was well set?

Maybe it would also be wise to use caution about that "discussion" so many have suggested ... push for yet more and OP could easily lose that lifetime interest in the house too

I am sorry but also agree with the house going to his son. If the life interest is in his will, it means you have somewhere to live and a decent pension so you can look after yourself. This in itself is a gift to your son (who won't need to look after his elderly Mum financially).

However, I think you are vulnerable in the event of relationship breakdown. I would start saving heavily (going back to full time if necessary) so in the event of you breaking up, you can house yourself. If you don't need that money/savings - that could go to your son as inheritance. Also I think I would ideally want to be paying bills etc proportionate to income if you aren't already (on the basis that presumably they would be cheaper if you had a smaller place and didn't live in 'his' house).

I suspect the OP doesn't really think it matters what with the first wife being dead..

She didn't say that. She said his son recently inherited a lot of money.

I kind of disagree with that - OP isn't paying rent, and her contributions to upkeep and repairs would have to have been ginormous to match what she's saved in ten years!

@Closie, I don't understand why you haven't made provision for yourself while DP generously shares his home with you for free? It looks as though you saved funds to give to DS. Fair enough; it's your choice, but it's a bit rich to say DP should give him stuff as well. He's already indirectly funded DS's uni and gap year.

Have you saved anything in the three years since DS graduated?

If you were able to say that over the last 10 years your contribution had in some way helped your DP pay the mortgage, I might feel differently. But it hasn't. The asset was fully owned before your appearance and you are not married. You have 'paid your way' in terms of bills and food, as you would have had to wherever you lived.
Therefore, I also agree with your DP.

If you hadn’t got together with your partner you still wouldn’t have anything to leave your ds. I don’t see why your ds should benefit from the deaths of two people who have never been parental figures to him.

my dad died and left a lot of his money to his wife of ten months. About a 100k. When my stepmother dies I’m sure she will leave her estate to her son (who was an adult when she met my dad). So ultimately he will benefit from 100k of my dads money which doesn’t seem overly fair but I accept is life.

Another agreeing that the house belongs to your partner. You've benefitted from living in a nicer place that you could afford. Your contributions presumably would have been your normal living fists anyway. If you want your son to inherit, you need to make your own investments. I won't be leaving my house to my partners son, that's for him to consider and save for.

OP you are taking the absolute piss here. If I were him I'd be extremely unhappy about this conversation and would consider breaking up with you.

• Your son has both you and his involved Dad to inherit from
• Your son has never lived in the house or with your partner
• Your partner isn't a father figure to your son
• You were given the opportunity to save or invest loads for your son by living rent free but you chose to go part time and spend on luxuries
• You have already given your son loads of financial help (great) but you could have saved that money for his inheritance. Basically he has had it early.
• You want to effectively steal part of your stepson's inheritance to give to your son.
• Sounds like your son may have already burned his bridges with stepson by messing around with his ex.

You don't come out of this well.

The main takeaway from this thread is how financially exposed the OP is. Hopefully she’ll talk to her DP about her fears. Although they’re not married it sounds like they’re in it for the long haul. I’d expect him to take some interest in her financial position and help her work out some options for her, never mind her DS.

If you didn’t actually buy the home, then it’s nothing to do with you. Leave your son what you’ve got, let your partner do the same. You’re not married, so no legal rights.

Your DP hasn't prevented you from investing. Your life choices have done that - part time work and holidays!! Nothing wrong with either but that's what's stopped you investing in your own property.

@Closie you're coming across as grabby and entitled.
You chose to work PT,rather than ft.
You could have had more security if you'd kept on working and put that half of your wages away for your ds.

You’ve lived rent free for a long time and reduced your work to part time hours. Presumably paying for occasional redecoration is a lot cheaper than paying for a private rental.

I’m in the same position as your partner’s son. I expect to inherit entirely the business and properties built/bought when my DM was alive!! My DF’s girlfriend has lived a charmed and kept life for 30 years. No idea what her retirement plans are. She hasn’t worked since they met, so it isn’t really retirement 😂

I wouldn’t bank on lifetime interest until you see it in the will. His legal advisor will set out pros and cons of this.
I obviously don’t know your ages but women usually outlive men.
He may not want to tie the asset up for years after his death before his son inherits it and the whole emotional side of you living in his family home - you could totally change it, move a new man in etc.